Metallover's Self Insert Apocryphal Tales
by metallover
Summary: SI, OC, AU. As if two stories weren't enough, here we go with more Self Insert goodness! A collection of the various off-canon Apocryphal Tales I've written for the main Self Insert story. Seasonal one-shots, waifu short stories, all that good sh*t.
1. Settling for Mediocrity part 1

**(DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters, places or anything else; they remain property of Nintendo and Intelligent Systems. This is a work of fanfiction and love: please don't sue me.)**

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**Author's Note:**

**Okay, seeing as there's a lot more of this style of short, Self Insert based one-shot planned, for my own digital housekeeping and peace of mind I've put them all in one place. Including the original ending for the first Self Insert book, which is the first two chapters of this story. I hope you enjoy! **

**Just bear in mind that these stories ARE NOT CANON TO THE MAIN SELF INSERT STORY. **

**Read, review and Nagaspeed!**

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**Settling for Mediocrity – Part 1**

So, let's skip the scenes of the repetitive grinding, sobriety and general boredom I was involved in for the last two years, shall we? The most interesting thing that happened was the escalating prank-war with Lissa, so I'll give you the abridged version.

The first thing I did was write out the plot of Awakening and all the relevant, important information. Support conversation flags, the enemy spawn points I remembered from the harder levels, I wrote down everything. And then locked it in my desk, because I didn't need everyone thinking I was crazy. Crazier. Whatever.

I then threw myself into my work and training, insisting that Lon'qu work me until my hands bled. I was utter shite at first, because when you have terrible hand-eye-coordination everything is hard, but I got better slowly. When the first draftees showed up for the Ylissean Army training, I started running the drills with them, too. In fact, a lot of the Shepherds did. I did so mostly to help my own fitness levels, but also for unit cohesion. After the first six months we'd built up quite the rapport with the men. After the first year, I was pretty confident they'd follow me into hell if I ordered them to. Plus, the end result was the flat stomach I'd always dreamed of but been too distracted by fast food and cake to achieve!

There were all the weddings and shit, too. I wound up being best man at Chrom's, and Vaike's, too, for some weird reason. As for my personal relationships, well… I distanced myself from Cordelia a little, and tried and failed to do the same with Tharja. Panne had eventually returned, too, but acted as if nothing had happened between us, which given my current state I was pretty okay with. Maribelle up and went back to Themis. She came up with some bull-shit excuse, but I knew why. It was simple; I'd been a jackass. Drinking was no excuse for my behavior. She tried to see me a few times before she left, but I gave Elle strict instructions to turn aside anyone except Chrom, Frederick or Lon'qu, so she left without seeing me again. Which was for the best, in the end. In hindsight, I hadn't shared the same feelings that she had for me, even if they were born out of a desire to increase her social standing. Stringing her along and being too weak to make my actual feelings known had been crueler than she deserved, that was for sure. Apparently she married Stahl about a year later. He invited me to the wedding, but I made sure I was running drills in the forest with the army regiments that week. It would have just been awkward, anyway.

We'd constructed a nice little armada of Ylissean warships in secret, too, on an island to the south of Ylisse. The flagship, a heavy corvette I'd christened _Asuna _(because apparently I was never going to see how season two ended) and then had to spend a month trying to talk Chrom out of naming baby-Cynthia the same, was a beautiful ship. Or so they assured me; the boats all looked the damn same to me. It was a small fleet, only ten ships, but ten sturdy warships was better than the zero we were supposed to have. And let's face facts, putting ten ships together in two years given their current technological level was pretty impressive in my mind. Apparently we'd still have to ask Validar for help with troop transports, anyway. Which worked for me, because I really wanted to see the look on his face when I showed up instead of his son.

I really, really wanted to see how that particular plot point played out.

Lucina and Laurent kept busy, too, running whatever errands I could throw at them to fuck with the timeline a little more. They went around, basically assassinating mercenaries and bandits that were bosses later, as well as helping Plegian refugees get over the border so there were less souls to feed Grima when the giant reptilian douche was awakened. So far my efforts were going largely unnoticed, but I wasn't about to push my luck and tip my hand to Validar this early in the game.

So I'd sent them looking for Emmeryn, she of the Spot-Pass. I had a few other units of woodsmen and scouts doing odd-jobs for me, scouting out the locations that the other time-travelers arrived in and the like, but this one was one that I trusted only Lucina to do. It took them long enough, too.

Eventually, nearly two years to the day since we'd defeated Gangrel, I glanced up from my desk in the army's barracks outside Ylisstol as the door opened. I'd set myself up there not long after the boys had arrived, citing unit cohesion again, even if I still ate and slept at the Palace with Chrom and the others.

"Welcome back," I said, perking up instantly.

Two hooded figures and one wearing a pointed mages hat stepped into my office, Lucina drawing the hood off of her long cobalt hair as a stubble-coated Laurent removed his hat. My momentary excitement was pretty much ground out when the third figure removed the hood off of her striking crimson hair, tied up in twintails.

"So I see you didn't find Emmeryn, huh?" I sighed, deflating in my chair.

Lucina shook her head, sighing as well. Apparently there was only so much screwing with the timeline I could do, in the end. It was disappointing, but I would deal with it. I had still gotten an extra body, plus I was about to get seven more, too. So I could wait.

It would have been interesting, though, getting Emmeryn so early. Especially given that she would be a promoted-level unit, while I'm pretty sure that none of the others were at that stage yet. Plus, ya know, it'd be nice for Chrom and Lissa to have their sister back, I guess. I felt like kind of a douche for thinking about it strictly strategically there for a second.

"Ben, we all watched her die. There was no way she survived that fall."

"Yet you still went looking," I pointed out, smirking. "Tell you what. If we don't find Emmeryn, alive and well, before we deal with Grima, I'll eat your sword."

"And if we do?" Lucina asked, eyes narrowing.

"You give me a ten second frencher, tongue and all," I said with a lecherous wink.

Laurent snorted and looked away, trying to stifle his laughter as Lucina sighed and shook her head, holding one gloved hand to her brow in irritation.

Yeah, just because I'd been busy for two years didn't mean my personality had changed _that_ much.

"To think I actually looked forward to seeing you again…" she muttered.

The third member of their party, silently looking back and forth between Lucina and Laurent to try and figure out what I was talking about clearly got sick of waiting, scoffed and sunk to a hip as she glared at me.

"Oh, I'm sorry, where are my manners?" I said, standing to introduce myself.

Lucina beat me to the punch, though, throwing out a snide comment that actually made me strangely proud before I could speak again.

"You had manners?" she scoffed, smirking at me.

"Ooh, sick burn Princess," I chuckled. "Missed you, too."

"Anyway," I said, turning to the redhead and holding out my hand. "My name is Ben, I'm the tactician, and until we head to Valm you will be working with these two directly under me."

"Severa," she introduced herself, cautiously taking my hand.

"Happy to have you aboard," I nodded, shaking her hand. "Have you thought of an alias yet? You'll need one until Lucina blows your cover."

"I most certainly will not 'blow our cover'!" the Princess snapped at me.

"Suuuure you won't," I said condescendingly. "It'll happen right before we go to Valm. Want to make another bet about it?"

"Very well," the Princess said with a cruel smirk. "If I do not blow the cover before we set foot on the boats as you insist we will, you must spend the entire trip across the sea in your smallclothes. If I indeed blow our cover before we embark for Valm I will give you a _twenty_ second 'frencher'."

"So it's win-win for you, huh?" I laughed. "Fine. Deal. Avoid garlic for the next few weeks-"

"Gawds!" Severa exploded, actually stomping her foot. "If you two are just about done flirting I'd like to get on with things! We've been travelling for weeks and I need a bath!"

I could already tell she was going to be a headache. Tsunderes were cute in anime and games, not so much in reality. Lucina actually went bright red at this exchange, and Laurent burst out laughing so hard his glasses slipped off his nose.

"Alright, alright ya walking tsundere-trope," I sighed. "Back on topic. You'll need an alias. Got any ideas? You know, I don't care. It's only for a few more weeks, so in that time your name is Luna. Capeesh?"

"L-Luna?" Severa asked, her brow furrowing.

"It means 'moon' in a dead language in my homeland," I explained. "It's considered one of the most beautiful words there are back home, so I hope you appreciate it."

"W-well, yeah, of course someone as beautiful as me deserves a beautiful alias," Severa said, switching to dere-mode as a slight pinkish tint rose to her cheeks.

"Uh-huh," I nodded, turning back to my chair. "Oh, one more thing. Who's your dad?"

To my knowledge, Cordelia had done pretty much the same as me in the last two years and thrown herself at rebuilding the Pegasus Knights with Sumia. So she hadn't gotten close to anyone, meaning I didn't know who to get her close to.

Severa frowned again, shifting uncomfortably.

"There are anomalies with our memories in that regard," Laurent reported dryly. "Much the same as our memories of you."

"Yeah, I'm the wrench in the works alright," I sighed, pulling the signet ring off my finger and holding it up. "Okay. Go rest up. Lucina, Laurent, get her set up at the inn with you guys. On me. If you want, you can go and use the royal bathhouse, too. Show her the ring and Elle will tee it up. Just be done before evening and bring me back the stupid ring."

"That won't be necess-" Lucina started, never finishing her statement.

Severa darted forward, snatching the ring out of my hand and holding it close to her chest with a hungry expression on her face.

"The royal bathhouse!? Seriously!?" she exclaimed.

"Yeah, enjoy it while you can," I chuckled. "Now go. I still have work to do."

Lucina and Laurent exchanged a glance at their friend's behavior. Laurent grinned and shrugged, leaving Lucina to sigh.

"Very well," she conceded. "We will report to you after dinner."

I grunted in response, already back at my paperwork and shooing them out the door with a wave of my hand. As they left I had to laugh, Lucina lamely muttering to herself as she shut the door.

"We do not… 'flirt'," she grumbled.

"Oh, hey Princess!" I called after them.

The trio stopped, looking back at me with varying levels of hostility.

"Just thought you'd want to know, your sister was born last month and now both of you have officially puked on me."

The look on Lucina's face promised murder, and I genuinely couldn't tell if it was red out of embarrassment or pure rage. Probably a little of both. Laurent and Severa both laughed, though, so I took it as a win.

* * *

That evening, after 'Luna' had been safely set up at the same inn as the other two and my work with the army was done I made the usual return trek to the palace for dinner. Again, as usual, Elle was waiting at the bottom of the stairs patiently for me, her hands clasped neatly in front of her and her posture perfect as she stood in the shade. When she spotted me a small smile rose to her face and she gave a small curtsey as I approached.

"Good evening, milord," she said. "Dinner is ready. Shall I have it brought to your room?"

"No, I'm getting sick of eating in my room like a hermit. I'll eat in the upstairs dining room if no one's using it."

"Of course, milord," Elle said. "I'll make the arrangements. Will Lady Tharja be joining you?"

"Most likely," I sighed, my head drooping a little as I began to climb the stairs.

By this point I'd given up. Tharja was like a dog that's gotten a taste for sleeping on the sofa. There is no way in hell you'd ever train her to sleep on the floor again. She had her own job, courtesy of me, to do as much research and make as many nasty area-of-effect spells as she could for the war, but she still hovered around me at every chance. At least when Elle did it she wasn't being creepy about it, it was her job.

Unfortunately, to cut a long story short, I hadn't been able to shake Tharja's attention. In fact, in attempting to do so I'd made her worse…

When I eventually settled into a chair in the small, upstairs dining room Elle already had a plate of food set out for me, and Tharja was already waiting for me. It was late, so no doubt Chrom and Sumia had already eaten and were putting itty-bitty-Lucina-and-Cynthia-babies to bed, so I'd stick my head in and say hello to them once I was finished.

I sighed, looking forlornly at the plate of roasted meat and vegetables in front of me. After two years I was getting well and truly sick of meat and veg. I wanted rice. I wanted sushi! I wanted fucking sashimi for all I cared, I just wanted something different!

"Does something displease you, milord?" Elle asked attentively, hovering by my shoulder.

I didn't miss the low, territorial growl Tharja gave, either.

"No, just pining for a little variety," I sighed, beginning to eat.

We continued in silence, me robotically shoveling the same crap I ate every day into my mouth and staring into space, Elle hovering silently and waiting for us to finish, Tharja staring at me with undisguised longing. Or lust. Or… God, I had no idea what was going on in her head. It was just easier not to make eye-contact sometimes.

As I finished I let out a sigh, pushing the half-eaten plate aside and laying my head down on the tabletop. I was fucking beat. It was hard enough sleeping at the best of times for me, and being so exhausted I dropped from training just meant I passed out. I'm sure I'm not the only one in the world that sleeps but doesn't rest. Across from me I heard the sound of Tharja setting her cutlery down.

"Are you still not sleeping well?" she asked, no doubt frowning in concern.

I muttered an incoherent string of syllables into the tabletop, hoping it sounded like an affirmative. There was a soft, warm sensation on the back of my head as Tharja put a comforting hand on it, rubbing a little.

"Is it the dreams again?" she asked. "Shall I prepare another herbal mixture tonight?"

I sat up, groaning a little and rolling out my shoulders.

"I have a better idea," I said with a tired grin. "Why don't you prepare the other herbal mixture? Along with a stamina draught and an aphrodisiac. Benny needs to work out some aggression."

"Oh?" Tharja asked, smiling demurely. "Aggression, eh? How much more aggressive could you possibly get?"

And that, right there, was the crux of our relationship. As soon as I'd found out that they did, indeed, have a form of working contraception here, in the guise of some herbal shit a woman could drink to act like birth control pills, I'd decided 'fuck it' and… well. Use your imaginations. I'd made sure she knew from the get-go that it was a purely physical, shallow relationship, though. She'd said it was enough for her, though. What can I say? I'm weak. There's no point in hiding that now. Did it make me feel guilty using her devotion to me like this? Only the first few times. Did I still think I was going to hell? Oh, you bet your ass.

After all, we were all going to die. I just intended to deserve it.

I gave her another promising grin before turning to a heavily-bushing Elle and holding out a piece of paper to her.

"Thundercat, prepare my quarters and get me all the stuff on this list. Within half an hour."

She nodded woodenly, accepting the paper and looking it over. The uncomfortable look on her face increased, becoming one of shock, too.

"Er… ropes and… a riding crop, milord?" she asked hesitantly. "A-and the… 'special red candles from Miriel'? D-do I want to know?"

Tharja shuddered expectantly across from me, a look of excitement on her face.

"Half an hour, Thundercat," I repeated, my grin never dropping.

It had been worth installing those hooks in the ceiling after all, apparently.

* * *

Later that evening I stepped back, wiping the sweat from my brow with the back of my hand and glancing over my shoulder in annoyance.

Someone was knocking on my door.

It was really bad timing.

We hadn't gotten to the best part yet, but we were getting close.

I considered ignoring it, but I knew that knock. It was Chrom, and he only ever bugged me at night when it was important.

I sighed, placing the riding crop and low-burning candle I'd had Miriel develop for me down and turned, doing my best to ignore the heavy panting and occasional moan from behind me as I pulled a pair of jeans on and shuffled towards the door.

"Wait right there, I'll be right back," I said over my shoulder to a disappointed moan.

"Aw, don't be like that. If you're a good girl and wait quietly, I'll give you a reward."

I stopped just inside the door, glancing down at the very-obvious boner in my pants before letting out a frustrated sigh. I bounced up and down a little, purposely lifting my knees as high as I could and wheeling my arms a little to encourage blood flow to route elsewhere. Satisfied once it wasn't as obvious what we'd been just about to do I opened the heavy wooden door, seeing Chrom standing there and smiling as I expected. I tried to be quick, but apparently he'd caught sight of what, or rather who, was hanging from my ceiling blindfolded before I could close the door, judging from the look of shock and horror on his face when I turned to him again.

"Just when I thought your depravity could no longer surprise me," he said, somewhat in awe.

"Okay, so clearly I'm busy. What's up?" I asked, crossing my arms across my bare chest.

"The ships are officially done with their shakedown voyages," he said, beginning to blush a little. "You, uh, said you wanted to know when they were. So I… I came to tell you."

I ignored the desperate little moan that escaped from my room.

"Great," I said, clapping my hands together happily. "That's fucking perfect! Now, we've finished training the mariners, right?"

Chrom blinked, looking up from my door to nod.

"I-er-yes!" he nodded quickly. "But only about half of them have any combat experience. Will they really be okay?"

I nodded, leaning back against the door.

"Of course. The whole point of the training regime Ricken and I devised was to teach soldiers obedience and calmness under fire. As long as their superiors keep a level head they'll be fine. And half the time we'll be their superiors on the field. So. We'll be fine."

Tharja called my name from inside the room, the sultriness and heat in her voice sending a shiver up my spine, but I hid it and continued to grin at Chrom. This was clearly making him really, really uncomfortable, and that was fucking hilarious.

"And the Captains are all happy with the ships?" I continued as if nothing was amiss.

"Er, some small changes that Ricken can handle facilitating and… uh…" Chrom fidgeted, before it clearly became too much for him. "What in Naga's name are you two doing in there?"

"Nothing much," I shrugged, grinning madly. "Curious?"

"More like concerned for both of your welfare," Chrom said, shaking his head a little.

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with a little hard-play between two consenting adults," I laughed. "If you'd like I can give you some tips? Maybe help you and the missus make a third heir?"

"I can…" Chrom started angrily before trailing off.

He glanced at the door again, chewing his lip indecisively and clearly imagining his wife in a similar position before finally sighing and shaking his head.

"Oh well, your loss," I shrugged. "Are we done? I'm actually kind of curious as to why you came to give me this information yourself."

"We have not spent much time together since the victory party," Chrom explained. "I thought… uh… well, I didn't mean to interrupt anything…"

I laughed, shaking my head this time.

"Relax," I told him. "We'll all get to spend plenty of time together again real soon."

"Ah, yes," Chrom nodded, grinning. "When 'Valm invades Port Ferox'."

"Hey, don't say it like I'm crazy," I frowned. "And I still expect you to make good on my castle when I'm right."

"Right, well, I'll take your word for it and let you… get back to it," Chrom said, nodding. "I didn't mean to… uh… keep you."

I chuckled, grinning again.

"Don't worry. Sometimes the waiting can be better than the actual deed itself," I told him.

"Oh gods, Ben…" Chrom groaned, holding a hand to his brow. "Forget it… It's too late for this kind of… Good night. Don't hurt yourselves."

"I make no promises!" I declared after him.

I watched Chrom leave before rolling out my neck and grinning again as I stepped back into the dimly lit room.

"Now. Somebody didn't stay quiet like I asked," I said, a mock disappointed tone in my voice. "I guess that means I have to punish you now."

The look of pure anticipation and excitement on Tharja's face as she craned to try and see over her shoulder, despite the blindfold, alone was enough to get me back to half-mast in an instant. It had been a long week, I thought to myself as I picked the riding crop back up. It was time to work out that frustration. In a totally healthy manner.

We had to enjoy ourselves while we could, after all. Once Valm invaded and we hit the road again we wouldn't be able to do stuff like this.

* * *

A few weeks later Cherche showed up, warning us that Valm invaded just like I predicted they would, and I scored myself a castle. It was more like a fort, really, but Chrom had made good on his word. Lucina had seemed a little pale when my prediction came true, clearly recalling the other ones I'd made.

Rather than go to Port Ferox personally, though, I'd used it as a chance to field-test my new and improved Ylissean army. The results had been better than perfect. Next to zero losses, no collateral damage to the town, and the Valmese routed in less than a day. _And _the commander had captured a number of Valmese warships we'd offered to Basilio. So while my boys were busy repairing the damage to the town that the Valmese had caused and preparing a staging area for us just outside of it the Shepherds had gone to Plegia to talk to King Validar and get his ships.

Which was where I was now, wearing a dark blue-almost black coat over my regular black vest. I had the hood drawn up as we walked through the fort on Carrion Isle, my head low. I wanted to see the surprise on that mother-fucker's face when it turned out I wasn't Robin.

I was waiting patiently, grinning under my hood while Chrom and Frederick did the whole spiel with Validar and Aversa. She kept shooting me funny looks; I guess the beard was throwing her off, considering it was the only part of my face visible right now. I glanced up a little when Frederick's grumpy tone cut through my thoughts, filling me with anticipation.

"Good hierophant, I would ask you to lower your cowl. In Ylisse, it is a courtesy expected of one in the presence of royalty."

"You are a long way from Ylisse, sir," the Hierophant said. "But very well…"

He drew his hood back, grinning expectantly. Yup, older default version of Robin, grinning like a bastard along with Validar and Aversa. Their grins diminished a little, though, when none of the Ylisseans present reacted.

"I suppose I should do the same then, too, shouldn't I?" I suggested, stepping forward and drawing back my own hood. "It's a pleasure to meet you, good Hierophant."

It took all of my willpower to maintain a straight face. I was subtly digging my nails into my palm to not laugh, and I think that's the only thing that saved me. Validar looked lost for a moment, before he frowned. Aversa's brows just shot up before she started looking between me and the Hierophant. His reaction was the best, though. Complete and utter shock.

"Who are you!?" he practically shouted.

"Ylissean Lord of Tactics," I said, offering him my hand with a cheery smile. "Name's Ben! I look forward to our two countries coming together as one against this Valmese menace!"

He looked at my hand for a moment before glancing back at a similarly confused-seeming Validar.

"So… you are the Ylissean tactician?" the Hierophant asked, slowly taking my hand.

"Yup!" I said, still smiling as I energetically pumped our hands up and down. "And I gotta say, the last King really made my life difficult! I'm hoping you guys are a little more reasonable!"

"Ben, mind your manners," Chrom instructed, a grin of his own appearing.

"Sorry, sorry," I laughed, stepping back. "It's just that I'm so excited to finally meet our allies. But we'd best be on our way, right? Lot's to do, a world to save and all that jazz, right?"

Chrom nodded his agreement, and we excused ourselves from the confused Plegians. As we left I gave Aversa one last grin and a wink, and she seemed utterly lost at how to take it.

I guess I have a thing for the dark and mysterious magey type.

* * *

The rest of the day proceeded exactly the way it was scripted to, minus Validar appearing before me and trying to hypnotize me or whatever he does to Robin. The Risen had arrived, we recruited Henry, and now I was sitting on a rock watching Lucina reveal her true identity to Chrom while Sumia shredded some poor flowers a few feet away from me.

When they started hugging Sumia let out an anguished groan and I rolled my eyes as her flower-murder increased in speed to a fevered pitch.

She stopped suddenly, turning to me with a determined look on her features.

"Oh this won't end well…" I muttered as she stomped over.

"I need you to make me a better… a better…" she started, blushing heavily and trailing off.

"Oh god, Sumia," I sighed. "Out with it already."

"I need you to make me a better lover!" she declared, tears in the corners of her eyes. "I-I don't want to lose Chrom, and you seem to know a lot about s… s…"

"Sex?"

Her blush deepened as she nodded quickly.

"No," I said. "Anything I have to teach, I teach by example, and you're totally persona non-nookified to me. It'd be like fucking Chrom. So no. I can give you pointers?"

She nodded, her blush increasing still.

"Take the lead," I offered, looking at where Chrom and Lucina were wrapping their little conversation up now. "Every man likes to be dominated every now and then. Also, try to be more adventurous. Take it up the butt, do it outdoors, have a three-way with one of your maids. Something Chrom would never expect."

I looked back at where Sumia was swaying, her face bright red now. Clearly this was all a little too much for the dainty little flower.

"Or, try wearing some sexy underwear to start with," I sighed. "I'm sure that'll excite Chrom, too."

Deciding to wrap this up I called out to the two blue-haired royals in the distance. Any more and I think Sumia might get a nose-bleed and pass out. She went right back to her flowers when I stepped away, tearing at them like a freaking wood-chipper in human form.

"Yo, Chrom!" I shouted. "Get yer ass over her! You too, Princess! We gots shit to talk about!"

They both turned, Chrom wilting a little when he spotted Sumia and Lucina taking on a familiar scowl at my tone.

"Er… Ben," Chrom said as they approached. "What is-"

Lucina beat him to the punch, slugging me in the shoulder.

"Why would you kill the moment like that!?" she practically snarled at me.

I shrugged, rubbing my arm as I indicated the rapidly-breaking-down Sumia just behind me.

"He loves me… he loves me not… he loves me… he loves me not…"

"I think that may need a little fixing before she starts treating people like those flowers," I suggested. "And don't hit me again. You know it gets me off, and I don't need to pitch a pant-tent in front of Chrom. Again."

"By Naga I swear I will kill you one day," Lucina growled, turning from me.

Chrom looked a little lost at our exchange, but I shrugged again and gave him my winning smile as I indicated towards his wife.

"Er… Sumia? Dear?" he started tentatively.

The conversation basically went the way it was scripted to after that, there were some lovely family moments afterwards which I felt a little weird for intruding on, and by the time we ended up walking back to the camp the sun had completely risen. Chrom hung back a little as Sumia and Lucina walked side by side, talking and getting to know each other as if they had never been apart.

"So," Chrom began, facing straight ahead. "I had a thought. This means that Lucina has been working with you for the last two years. Did you know who she was? Even back then?"

"Yeah, of course," I scoffed. "Genius, remember?"

Chrom nodded, before turning and punching me in the face. Clearly daddy had been paying attention to the way I had been treating Marth…

"That's my daughter, you son of a bitch!" he thundered.

Sumia and Lucina both looked back with shocked expressions, but Lucina's quickly turned to one of satisfaction. Like, euphoric satisfaction. Like, watching her dad stand over me, clearly restraining himself from kicking the shit out of me, was totally getting her off.

"Ow, hey, dude!" I shouted, jumping back to my feet. "It was all in good fun!"

Chrom laid me flat again. I decided to stay down this time. He had fists like hams.

"Would it help if I promised to behave around this timeline's Lucina?" I asked woozily from the ground.

"You are damn straight you will!" Chrom thundered, turning and stomping off.

Leaving me, dancing back and forth between consciousness and unconsciousness, to think to myself 'god damn that man has a solid right hook'.

* * *

"Relax, he'll come around," Lissa chuckled. "He really does care about you, so I don't think he'll kick you out. Plus, you are really important now."

I groaned as she held her healing staff to my face. Turns out Chrom had broken my jaw. I kinda deserved it, being a douche to Lucina for the last two years, but it still hurt.

"Fucker punches like a freight-train," I slurred.

"Yeah, well, I've only been around for a few weeks, but if that's how you've been treating her for the last two years I'd want to hit you, too," Severa huffed.

"I don't hear Laurent complaining!" I said defensively.

"Laurent barely speaks!" Severa snapped.

I sighed. I was in the mostly-deserted mess tent now, Lissa giggling as she healed my broken jaw and Severa sitting on one of the tables, watching. Laurent had been there reading until moments ago when Vaike had shown up and dragged him off. Clearly word of who 'Isaac' actually was had gotten out.

"Fine, whatever, I'm a dick," I sighed.

I moved my jaw a little, testing it as Lissa stepped back. It still hurt, but lingering pain was always a side-effect of healing magic, so I assumed it was fine.

"Thank you, Lissa," I said. "Why don't you go and get to know your niece?"

A big smile broke out on her face as she nodded and ran out of the tent, clearly eager to get to know the real Lucina now. Leaving me all alone with Severa.

"I suppose we'd best go around and pick up all the rest of your little friends, huh?" I sighed, sagging in my seat.

It had been a long night, and now I was feeling it. I mean, sure, all the training had vastly improved my stamina and reduced my asthma to basically naught, but I still got sleepy.

I glanced up when Severa didn't answer. She was looking down, a stormy expression on her face.

"Your mother is on guard-duty," I sighed again. "Otherwise she'd be over her hugging the shit out of you. Don't get all mopey on me now, Red."

"Shut up! What would you know!?" she shouted.

I quirked a brow at her, and she let out a breath.

"… I'm sorry," she mumbled.

"And I'm going to go and relieve your mother," I said, standing. "So sit right here so she knows where to find you."

"Wait, what?" Severa asked, looking up at me in confusion.

"I meant what I said," I shrugged. "Let her hug the life out of someone else for a change."

"W-wait!" Severa said as I went to leave.

I turned, quirking a brow again as she stared at me. There was a brief moment of silence as she looked intently at my face before shaking her head.

"Forget it," she muttered. "I almost had something there but… don't remember."

"Don't force it," I said lazily. "You'll just hurt yourself. Now, if I were you, I'd be looking for a chestplate to wear, because your mom won't take hers off before the hugging starts, believe me."

* * *

A few hours later I yawned as I stared out over the Plegian countryside. Chrom had decided, in all his princely authority, that we were going to move out sometime this afternoon so that people could get some rest after the previous evening's fight. Of course, true to my word, I'd relieved Cordelia, who had rushed off to meet her future daughter. Unfortunately, though, she had only just started her shift on guard duty. And mine had followed right after.

"God I'm tired," I muttered to myself, dragging my feet as I patrolled the camp.

I was attempting to plan for the next stage of things; it would take time to move the ships to Port Ferox, and I was bringing a fuck-off-huge army with me to Valm, so they'd need time to prepare for that, too. Meaning we were free to go ahead and recruit all the others on this continent.

Hell, I'd already had my boys scout out the locations. I knew where they were going to be. Now we just had to be there. I'd take a small group and go along the north, collecting Morgan, Kjelle, Nah and Noire. I'd leave the rest to Chrom. Yarne and Cynthia were in the south somewhere; if he went by horseback he could probably be back in about a month.

"Hey, Ben," Donnel said, coming out of the mess tent. "Frederick says fer me ta replace ya on guard duty. Why don'tcha go an get some shut-eye?"

"That is the best dang idea I've heard all mornin'," I said, copying his accent.

I beat feet, hoping to avoid getting punched a third time that morning for pissing someone off, and beelined for my tent. As nice as this coat was, it was heavy and I needed sleep. And god help Tharja if she was waiting for me. I'd see to it she didn't walk right for a week this time… With my cock, of course. It was times like these I really started to miss Elle, though. Just the thought that there wouldn't be breakfast or even anything to drink waiting for me was oddly depressing. The damn maid had spoiled me now.

I stepped into my tent, shrugging off my coat with a relieved sigh. I gave another, disappointed sigh when I realized that Tharja wasn't in fact waiting for me, and tossed the coat over my chair. I had to do a double-take, though, when I spotted the bowl of oats on my desk.

"I had thought you would be hungry."

"Kyaaa!" I squeaked, spinning.

Seeing Lucina standing there, eyebrow quirked, made me rethink my girlish scream.

"I mean, 'argh!' I mean… fuck it. Thanks for breakfast. What do you want?"

Lucina looked down, not meeting my gaze.

"Ah," I said, grinning knowingly.

"'Ah', what?" she snapped.

"I know why you're here," I chuckled, my grin growing.

"Y-you do?" she asked.

"Say it."

"Say what?"

"Say I was right."

"What!? About what?"

I chuckled again at the obstinate princess, shaking my head.

"Say I was right about you giving your identities away," I explained.

Lucina flinched, looking away from me again.

"Aw, it's not that hard," I laughed. "Here, I'll even help you out! Just repeat after me: 'Ben, you were right. You are always right. I should just accept the fact that you are always right'. Now you try it."

"You are making this harder than it needs to be," Lucina growled, her face beginning to go red.

"Well, just say it and-"

She crossed the space in the blink of an eye and reached up before I could react, yanking my face down to hers and reminding me that there had, indeed, been something mentioned jokingly about a twenty-second frencher. It also made me wonder, as Lucina's tongue invaded my mouth with all the subtlety of a charging horse, where she had learned to kiss? Or even learned what a 'frencher' was, for that matter.

As far as kissing went, though, she wasn't that good. Probably a lack of experience. So, deciding to make the most of the ten or so seconds I had remaining of this I took the lead, massaging her tongue with my own. She let out a muffled sound of surprise that faded into a soft moan as I pushed deeper, holding her up as she swayed a little, still never opening her eyes as-

"Lucina, are you in here? Why did you want to meet in- OH YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

I jumped back from Lucina, just in time to see Chrom's big meaty fist flying straight at my face. My nose broke and I fell flat on my ass, stars dancing around my vision as Lucina tried to calm her father down.

Sheesh, her father for less than a day and already beating the shit out of the boys. I felt bad for all the young male suitors of Ylisse.

"Keep your hands off my daughter!" Chrom roared, spinning and finally stomping out of the tent.

I groaned, falling backwards to lay on the floor. Lucina stood there for a moment before chuckling and leaning over me.

"That was a little longer than twenty seconds," she said with a grin.

"You bitch, you planned this," I gurgled. "And you know what? I respect that. Now go find your aunt and tell her that her brother needs anger management classes. And help me set my nose. I don't need to look like I got hit in the face with a shovel for the rest of my life; I'm already ugly enough."

* * *

With a weak groan I fell onto my back, resting against the cool rocks of the mountain path we were on. Just over the next rise was our destination, the castle in the mountains. There was only one more person to recruit now, and that was Robin's daughter Morgan. Judging from the fact he still existed in this world I was assuming Morgan was still his daughter, anyway.

The others all took their cues, falling from their feet just like I had. Remember, at this point I'd been cardio and stamina training with my regiments for nearly two years. So if I was exhausted, I'm surprised the others could still move. Especially Noire; poor kid was like a sack of bones. The European ancestry in me urged me to feed her. I would make her healthy.

I had set out from Port Ferox with Lucina, Severa, Lon'qu and Tharja. We'd already picked up Nah, Noire and Kjelle, rounding our group out to eight, including me.

After a few minutes my pulse had slowed, and my breathing was back under control. With a groan I pulled myself back to my feet.

"Alright, break for lunch," I ordered. "None of you can fight in this condition, anyway."

"I could still kick your butt!" Kjelle groaned, sitting up.

"Yeah, yeah, tone it down GI Jane. Eat some lunch first."

I ended up plonking down next to Severa, who passed me the food bag. Hard cheese, hard bread and cured meat was our meal. I was so. Damn. Sick. Of European style food. I may have been spoiled for choice back home, though… With a sigh I passed the bag off to Nah, who looked forlornly at it.

"Here," I sighed, handing her my share of bread and cheese. "I'm not that hungry."

The young manakete's face lit up with a broad smile as she took her own share and my offerings, passing the bag along to Noire. I remembered that, canonically, she was always hungry and in the future she'd never gotten enough to eat. I'd had a few months like that myself a few years before I'd found my way to Ylisse, but the thought of having to do it my whole life made me want to feed the kid. And hug her. Poor thing…

"Well, that was almost nice," Severa pointed out with a smirk. "If I didn't know better I'd say you have a soul under all that hair."

"Har. Har." I muttered.

"It was very nice!" Nah said around a mouthful of bread. "Thank you very much, Mister Ben!"

"Don't talk with your mouth full, kid, you'll choke," I warned, taking a big bite of my jerky.

Severa huffed, pouting and looking away.

With another sigh I held out my half-eaten jerky to her.

"Here, fuck," I groaned. "All you had to do was ask."

"Ew! Gods, no, keep that away from me! That's been in your mouth!"

"So?" I laughed. "So has L-"

Before I could finish telling her 'so has Lucina' I felt a chill run down my spine. The Princess was glaring at me, tapping her fingers against Falchion's pommel as she slowly, deliberately chewed her lunch.

"Er… never mind," I mumbled, taking another bite of my jerky.

It was not worth losing my life over a crappy joke.

Severa huffed again, finishing her meal in silence. I couldn't help but wonder as we ate at what her deal was lately. She was acting all clingy, in a super tsundere way, and it was getting on my nerves.

"Big place," I breathed as we walked into the castle's interior.

Lucina and Severa flanked me as we stepped into the area that would be our battleground. The water and bridges were a dead giveaway. So were the Risen. The usual horde shambled around in front of us, nothing anyone here wasn't used to. They caught sight of us and began to shuffle towards our little group.

"You are certain Morgan will be here?" Lucina asked curiously.

"You know I'm never wrong," I said, waggling my eyebrows suggestively. "Wanna make another bet?"

"I will stab you," Lucina warned, turning away from me.

Well, it was less of a warning and more of a statement, but the effect was the same. My attention shifted from pissing off Lucina without her father around to beat my sorry ass when Severa let out a strange groan, holding her head and swaying a little.

"Hey, whoa," I said, reaching out to steady her. "You okay? Red, talk to me."

"I-I'm fine," she said, shaking me off.

"What the hell was that?" I asked.

"Just a headspin," Severa assured me. "It was nothing. I can still fight."

"Sure, from the back," I said. "Swap with Lon'qu and don't push your-"

"No!" Severa shouted suddenly. "I won't! You aren't going to leave me behind again! You always leave me behind!"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked.

Before she could answer Lucina gave a warning shout. Apparently Severa's shouting had gotten the Risen horde's attention and they were rushing us. I grabbed Severa by the collar, hauling her shocked face closer to my own.

"You leave my side and I'll kill you myself," I warned her before I released her. "Let's go."

We breezed through the Risen pretty easily, if I do say so myself. With Lucina and Severa's swords on both sides and my own trench knives in the center we made an unpassable line that the Risen broke against, leaving the others to bring up the rear. Once we reached the fork in the bridges we stopped.

"Lucina, take everyone and make for the end of the chamber," I instructed. "Kill the Chieftain. Severa and I'll catch up."

"What?" Severa exclaimed angrily. "I said I was fine! I don't need to-"

Whatever excuse she was going to give was cut off by a small explosion, followed by two more as magic fire spells erupted among the Risen at our three-o'clock.

"That's where we're going," I said, pointing. "Lucina, don't fuck up. C'mon, Red. We got a tactician to save."

I didn't wait to see if the others followed my orders; Lucina was an experienced commander, far more so than I ever would be. I trusted her to take the Chieftain down while Severa and I rescued Morgan. The redhead followed me as I marched towards the eastern end of the chamber, where the lone figure in a black coat was still throwing spells around and hacking at whatever got too close with a sword. She had her hood up, too, which meant I couldn't tell who her mother was from her hair color, but we'd know soon enough.

With a roar I started to run, Severa hurrying to keep pace as we tore through the Risen crowding the young tactician. I was starting to think that we were a little over-leveled thanks to the training regime for the army guys, given how easy all of this was these days, but it wasn't exactly something to complain about. In less than ten minutes Severa and I were standing with Morgan, who was currently hunched over and holding herself up on her knees as she tried to catch her breath. Severa and I were hardly even breathing hard.

"Whoo! Fuck yeah, that was awesome!" Morgan declared, straightening.

She stopped when she saw me, a grin rising to her face.

"Sup, Dad," she said nonchalantly. "What're you doing here?"

I quirked an eyebrow, stepping forward. It felt like someone had dropped a ton of bricks on my head. Like I was about to have an asthma attack again. Hell, I'll say it straight; being called 'dad' terrified the crap out of me.

"What was that?" I asked.

"Er… oh! Shit! I said the f-word! I'm so sorry!" Morgan said quickly, wilting.

She studied me for a moment before cocking her head.

"Sheesh, you look good, Dad. The air here must agree with you or something. You look ten years younger!"

"Don't care, back the fuck up," I said, my heart beating out of control. "Specifically to this whole 'dad' thing."

"What the hell're you talking about?" she laughed. "Why're you looking at me like that? Hello? It's me! Morgan! Your daughter? Love of your life and Daddy's little girl and all that jazz? Wow, you're really acting out of it today. Maybe you should go home and lie down or something. Uh, but which way is home? Is it— Ngh! M-my head!"

"God-fucking-dammit, focus!" I shouted, grabbing her by the shoulders.

Her hood fell away in my grip, revealing a head of crimson red hair. She looked up at me with steel-blue eyes, just like the ones I saw in the mirror every day.

"D-dad, what-"

"Okay, hold up a sec…" I said, releasing her and stepping back.

My head was spinning, but I forced it down, looking up at Severa to see how she was reacting to this. Morgan followed my gaze, and her face lit up in a smile again.

"Heya, sis! What's crackin'?"

Both mine and Severa's jaws dropped as we spun to goggle at the girl.

"What?" Morgan asked, shrinking back a little.

Severa turned to me, eyes wide.

"I-I… you… we…" she stammered before swallowing and taking a deep breath. "I remember now."

"Oh fuck…" I groaned.

"Dad…" Severa said, taking a step forward.

"No…" I groaned.

"Daddy!" Severa cried as she threw herself at me.

"Fuuuuuuuuuuck!" I shouted above her head.

* * *

That evening we decided to camp in the foyer of the abandoned castle. It didn't appear like there would be any more Risen reinforcements, but Lon'qu had insisted on posting guards to be safe, and I agreed.

I was sitting on a rock a small distance from the castle, two red-haired girls sitting in front of me.

Apparently, these two were my daughters.

"Okay," I breathed. "Let's get this straight. You're my daughter."

"Yup," Morgan chirped happily.

"And you're my daughter."

"Well, duh," Severa huffed. "I've only said as much ten times so far."

I groaned and ran a hand over the top of my head.

This. Was. Bullshit.

I didn't want to get married. I never wanted to get married! I'd never wanted kids!

"And just to check," I sighed. "Cordelia and I were married?"

"Happily," Morgan nodded.

I groaned again, resting my head in my hands.

"Well excuse us for living!" Severa suddenly shouted. "All of the others were so happy to see their kids! Even mother was ecstatic, crying and hugging me and everything! But you-"

"Stop," I said, holding up a forestalling hand. "This is a big, big deal to me. At this point in time, I've never even entertained the thought of having children, let alone being in another committed relationship. It's… a lot for me to handle right now. I need a moment."

"Take your time, we can wait," Morgan said, leaning back.

I shook my head, slapping my cheeks a few times for good measure. If they said they were my daughters, well then…

"Fuck it," I declared after a moment, standing. "I can sit around dwelling on it, but it's not gonna change anything. So, fuck it. Come here, give dad a hug."

"Yay!" Morgan cried, jumping up and into my arms.

"Sorry if I was an ass-hole earlier," I said.

Morgan snuggled into my chest, like a big, warm cat. It was a conflicting feeling. I mean, I knew I wasn't old enough to have a kid her age, but something about it felt… pretty good. The European parental instincts were being awakened within me. After a moment Morgan stepped back, grinning up at me. I smiled back, ruffling her hair, before turning my attention on my supposed oldest daughter.

"Don't touch me," Severa said half-heartedly.

"Or you'll what?" I asked.

"Seriously," Severa warned, taking a step back.

"Either you hug me, or I hug you," I warned, holding up my arms. "We can do it the easy way or the hard way, but this is only gonna end one way."

"No!" Severa insisted. "You were a real jerk before! I… I…"

With a sniffle she gave in, practically jumping at me again. Only this time I was mentally prepared to deal with it. Severa shuddered a little, giving a weak sob.

"Okay," I said, rubbing her back. "Okay, c'mon, it's okay."

"No it's not," she said in a thick voice. "You died! You and mother both… both died and left us alone!"

"I don't remember that," Morgan piped up.

"You don't remember anything," I reminded her.

She shrugged, grinning impishly.

"And as for dying," I continued. "We're all going to die eventually. But, I assure you, I'm working to ensure it doesn't happen to any of us for a long, long-ass time yet. So relax."

Severa nodded, gripping the front of my vest even tighter.

"You'd better not," she said, stepping away from me. "Or I'll kick your butt."

"Yay, sis is back to normal!" Morgan laughed, throwing herself at Severa and wrapping her sister in a big bear hug.

I couldn't help but marvel at the fact that I had apparently had a hand in raising these two. I mean, with Morgan it was pretty obvious, but…

"Oh gods, I can't believe I forgot you were a hugger," Severa groaned as she tried to pry Morgan off of her. "This is it. This is going to be my life now, isn't it?"

"This is going to be our lives now," I corrected her.

"What about mom?" Morgan asked innocently.

The smile fell right off my face.

"Oh fuck-balls," I groaned.

What about mom, indeed?

How the hell was I going to explain this one?

* * *

**AN2019: Back in 2016 I 'retired' from fanfiction with this story. I was burned out, what can I say? I actually intended to retire with the next chapter, which I posted as a reverse April Fool's joke back in 2016, which is… wow, three years ago now. **


	2. Settling for Mediocrity part 2

**Settling for Mediocrity – Part 2**

"Okay," I said, beginning to hyperventilate. "Okay. Okay-okay-okay-okay-okay…"

I looked up at the two girls, my daughters, in standing in front of me.

"Okay," I said again.

Severa sighed and slapped me across the face. Hard. Beside her Morgan actually gasped and recoiled, but it had been what I'd needed.

"Better?" she asked.

"A little. But if you hit me again I swear to fuck I'll put you over my knee. You're not too old. I'll do it."

Severa scoffed and rolled her eyes, crossing her arms and sinking to a hip as Morgan looked back and forth between us.

I had just had an anxiety attack at the thought of talking to Cordelia about… stuff.

Like the fact she and I would eventually be, allegedly, happily married.

Or that we had two time-travelling daughters together.

"Alright then," I said, slapping my hands on my thighs and standing. "Nothing's going to be accomplished sitting here and brooding. Right? Right. Let's go and get some food."

"Jeez you change gears fast," Severa said, shaking her head a little.

"I'm compartmentalizing," I admitted. "I can freak out later. Preferably somewhere where I'm not going to lose face in front of my kids."

Severa turned to me, arching one brow with an 'oh really?' look on her face. Morgan just grinned up at me. God the kid was adorable…

"I've spent the last few weeks watching you almost constantly sexually harass my best friend and act like a child," Severa deadpanned. "Not to mention the fact that, yes, more than once I've noticed you sneak off with Tharja for Naga only knows what. So I don't really think my opinion of you can get much lower at this point."

"It's called a quickie, and thanks for the confidence boost," I groaned.

"What's a quickie?" Morgan piped up innocently.

"I'll tell you when you're older," I promised.

"I'm already eighteen! I think…" she insisted.

"Okay, I'll tell you when _I'm_ older," I groaned.

Having kids was going to be hard. I'd also probably need to be a little more careful about my language; it was pretty clear to see Morgan had already picked up on the swears, I didn't need to warp her further.

Severa leaned over to her sister, whispering something in her ear. I winced as Morgan's eyes widened and she nodded, making an "ohhhhh" of understanding.

"So that's what a quickie is…" she said with a nod, resting her hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry to hear that, Dad. I'm sure mom'll still love you anyway."

I sighed, resting my face in my hands as Severa grinned maliciously over Morgan's head at me.

Didn't take a genius to spot a premature ejaculation joke when it was that obvious.

Being a parent to two adults I had clearly already warped was going to be hard.

* * *

A few days later we were back in civilization, only another few days from Port Ferox now. I was debating whether or not to simply hire a wagon to take us back as we tromped back into whatever logging town we had passed through on the way east, not because I was tired but more for expedience's sake. I was getting sick of dwelling on having 'the talk' with Cordelia.

It was late in the afternoon, still with a few hours of light left, but if I remembered correctly we wouldn't hit another town before it got too dark to travel safely and it was a new moon that night, so it'd be too dark. With a sigh I turned, waiting for the others to catch up.

"Alright, we'll break here for the night," I called. "Pick an inn, meet back here in the morning. Dismissed. Peace out."

There were more than a few relieved sighs at my dismissive instructions, making me think I clearly wasn't the only one excited at the prospect of not sleeping in the forest like a fucking animal again that night.

Ever since Panne's training roughing it in the woods gave me weird boners…

It was a decent sized town; a number of inns and taverns near the gates, the lumber mill in the distance occupying the majority of the horizon. There was a bustling market, too, and a number of actual stores instead of the street vendors I'd expected from Regna Ferox during my first time. It was a good place to have a break before we got back to all the doom-and-gloom of Port Ferox and the Ylissean military life.

I went to turn, planning on scoping out the inns near the town gates, but something caught my arm. I glanced over my shoulder, Morgan clinging to my arm and grinning up at me. Behind her Severa looked expectantly at me, frowning as she was so wont to do.

I had a pretty good idea where this was going…

"Let me guess," I started, quirking a brow at Severa. "You guys want to rent a family suite?"

Severa barely twitched, quirking her brow right back at me. Morgan's reaction, however, was far more animated.

"Fu- er, heck yes we do!" she cheered, stopping herself short of cussing again.

She was a smart kid, but had clearly inherited my foul mouth. It was cute, though, watching her cover her swearing and bite her tongue, trying not to slip, the same way I had around my father.

"Your treat, of course," Severa added.

"Yeah, yeah," I sighed, ruffling Morgan's hair.

She closed her eyes and smiled, disengaging from my arm and grinning up at me when I stopped.

That damn kid… so moé…

I chose an inn pretty much at random and we rented a suite with two beds. It was actually a lot nicer than I'd been expecting from Regna Ferox, not to mention reasonably priced. I guessed they would have gotten a lot of travelling merchants and important tradesmen and shit, being such a major milling town. Nice beds, clean and soft linens, and a barrel of fresh water in the corner with some large buckets for bathing or whatever else we needed them for. I was already planning on using one of them as a makeshift helmet when I built my pillow-fort, anyway…

I sat down on the far bed, letting out a tired sigh as I dropped my pack at my feet. Morgan let out a little cheer as she discarded her own pack and sword, jumping and body-slamming the bed with a happy laugh. Severa did pretty much what I had, shooting a little annoyed glance at Morgan but remaining silent. I guess the girls would share a bed.

Over the last few days we'd fallen into something of a routine; we walked together, ate together, slept close to each other and basically just spent all of our time together. For me, it was taking some getting used to; I was an introvert at the best of times, after all. But I was the only person Morgan remembered properly, and Severa clearly wanted to bond a little with her parents, even if she'd never admit it. So I quelled my own selfish feelings and put up with their attention. At least until we got back to Port Ferox and I could offload them on their mother, anyway. It was nice, though, that I'd had a good relationship with my parents as an adult. A lot of my friends had gone to great lengths to distance themselves from their parents back home, but I'd managed to become friends with my own once I'd hit twenty-one. And stopped acting like a total doucher. So at least I had some idea of what to work with. Morgan was easy; she was a blank slate and apparently I could do her no wrong. Severa, though, I'd just decided to be myself with. If she didn't like me, whatever. I was still (allegedly) her father. She didn't have to like me. But, I was optimistic. It was hard to tell with little-miss-tsundere-pants, but I think she was warming to me.

"Ah, I'm so sick of walking everywhere," Morgan groaned, rolling onto her back.

"Get used to it," I sighed, leaning back and letting myself fall onto my bed. "God I miss my car. Why don't you two get cleaned up and we'll go grab an early dinner? Yes, Severa, my treat."

"Yay!" Morgan cried.

Severa scoffed, chuckling a little.

I stared up at the ceiling, letting my mind wander as the two girls went about preparing themselves for dinner. Me? I was male, so I could get away with stinking and looking like shit. I know, I know, unfair double standards and all that shit. But, that was the world we (apparently still) lived in. Hopefully we could beat the shift-workers to one of the taverns and grab a feed before I had to start busting skulls for hitting on my kids. I ran a hand over my fuzzy jaw, considering shaving anyway just for shits and giggles, but my plans were derailed when Severa let out a small shout of disbelief.

"Morgan, what the hell are you doing!?"

"What?" my youngest asked innocently. "I stink."

I glanced up, immediately regretting my decision and throwing my head back down.

Morgan had disrobed and was cleaning herself with a rag and water from the barrel in the corner. Severa had obviously only just turned and noticed, goggling disbelievingly at her sister with a hairbrush hanging off of one crimson twintail. All of this I had taken in in an instant, my own eyes wide as I tried to wrap my head around what was happening.

At… at least Morgan was comfortable around me?

And amazingly this was the first time I'd seen a pair of tits and felt nothing. She was clearly if not my daughter then some other blood relation of mine. Unfortunately for her, though, it appeared she'd inherited her mother's bust. I still thought she was cute as a button, though, if a little air-headed at times-

I gave a muffled grunt as a red-faced Severa jumped up on my bed and smothered my face with a pillow. Great. The last thoughts I were going to have in my life were mild surprise that I wasn't aroused by my time-travelling daughter's boobs. Awesome note to go out on.

"Gawds, Morgan! Hurry up and get dressed!"

"I need to at least wipe myself down! I smell so bad!"

"So wear some perfume! Why would you just take off your clothes like that!?"

"But I'd still feel gross! What's the big deal, anyway?"

"This pervert is!"

"What? Ew! Sis, that's dad! Besides, it's not like he hasn't seen it a million times before!"

"_You haven't been born yet so no he hasn't now get fucking dressed!"_

As illuminating as this conversation was, mostly because I had learned that Morgan was apparently something of a neat-freak like me and Severa had apparently also inherited a small part of my vocabulary, I was beginning to suffocate. I slapped the bed, tapping out as Severa shrieked at her sister.

"Er, Severa? Honey? Daddy can't breathe."

"Alright, alright, I'm getting dressed," Morgan sighed. "God I want a change of clothes… Hey sis, do you have any spare panties?"

"MORGAN!"

"I'm serious!"

"Yes! Bottom of my pack! I want them back clean!"

"Yay! You're the best sister ever!"

My head was spinning as my life flashed before my eyes, oxygen deprivation beginning to cause that annoying, constricting pain in my chest before Severa finally got off of me. Bolting upright I sucked in a deep breath of clean air, holding a hand to my chest.

"I thought I was gonna die!" I groaned.

I gave a weak cough, furrowing my brow. Huh. My first asthma attack in almost a year. Amazing how they could still sneak up on me…

Severa rounded on Morgan as I bent to retrieve a vulenary from my pack, coughing a little again and fumbling.

"Er, dad? Are you okay?" Morgan asked, leaning around Severa.

Her sister spun, the look of contempt on her face fading to a subtler one of worry.

"Fine, fine," I chuckled, coughing again. "Sheesh. Where is that stupid *wheeze* thing? I *cough* know I have one…"

Wrapping my hands around the vial safely wrapped in my spare trunks I sat back up, tearing out the cork with my teeth and drinking about a third of it.

"Jeez, I didn't hit you that hard," Severa mumbled, wilting guiltily.

"No, but suffocating me did give me an asthma attack," I shrugged. "Don't worry about it. It's no big deal."

Both girls went quiet as I took a few deep breaths, letting my lungs return to normal. Unfortunately, just being fitter and stronger didn't cure anything. Once I was sure I was good I slapped my thighs, standing and grinning.

"Who's hungry?"

* * *

That evening, after some emergency shopping for Morgan to get some basic necessities like smallclothes and a medieval toothbrush, I found myself sitting at a table in one of the cleaner-looking eateries in this town with my two daughters. And also Tharja and Noire. Funny how Tharja always seemed to know where I was…

The others were floating around, too, clearly having decided like I had that this was the optimal establishment to eat at. Lon'qu and Kjelle were both at the bar, the swordsman trying to subtly increase the distance between them as she ordered enough ale for the two of them to kill their livers with. Nah was sitting in the back with Lucina, the blue-haired royal watching a stack of plates growing ever-larger as Nah spent the entirety of the weekly stipend I'd provided her for food and essentials in one sitting. Whatever, kid deserved it. I'd shout her for the rest of the week.

Severa, Morgan and Noire all laughed at something that the young tactician had said, Tharja looking on with a soft smile as she watched her daughter.

Tharja. With a soft smile. Usually a look reserved for me after we'd spent the night defiling my bed. It was enough to make my head spin. But it did remind me of one important question.

I waited until a lull in the girls' conversation before giving voice to my curiosity.

"Hey Noire? Who's your dad?"

The effect that the question had on the girl was instantaneous. She went pale, paler than usual, and wilted, shifting a little to open space between her and her mother before looking down at the table. Clearly, I'd hit a sore spot.

"Hey, c'mon, it's not that big a deal," I tried laughing it off. "I just wanna know."

"I… er… t-that is…" she mumbled, casting a fearful glance at her mother.

Tharja was glaring dangerously at her, though, making me even more curious.

"C'mon, out with it! I wanna know!" I urged.

"Yeah, me too!" Morgan added, grabbing her by the shoulder and shaking her a little. "C'moooooooooon!"

"Oh for Naga's sake!" Severa finally snapped, turning to glare at me.

"It's you! You're her father! I'm sorry Noire, but I can't handle them when they get like that!"

The silence at the table was deafening. My jaw dropped. Again. Severa huffed, crossing her arms and returning the death-glare a furious Tharja was shooting her. Noire was doing her best to look as small as possible, while Morgan just quirked her head as she tried to understand all of this.

Judging from Noire's little panicky reaction, Severa hadn't just been joking. To be sure I took a quick peek at Noire's ample cleavage spilling out of her loosened collar. Clearly she had inherited her own mother's bust, and… Nope. Nothing. Not even a twitch in my pants. That settled it, then. I just instinctively knew… My cock was never wrong.

As I shut my mouth I turned a glare of my own at Tharja, who wilted almost instantly under it. I was the only person that could glare her down like that, something I didn't like doing. But it felt fitting right now.

"Something you want to tell me?" I asked, my voice low and dangerous.

"I won't let you take her from me!" Tharja hissed instantly.

"Why, pray tell, would I do that?" I asked levelly.

"Don't think for a second that the Ylisseans wouldn't take the child of their vaunted tactical genius and a Plegian mage-"

"I don't want to take her!" I shouted, slamming my hands down on the table.

Fortunately, it was already rather loud in the bar, so no one even batted an eyelash at the scene I was causing. Noire and Morgan did jump at my shout, though, which gave me a pang of guilt.

"Dad!" Severa hissed. "You're really bad at this!"

"Dammit, I know!" I sighed, falling back into my seat. "What I meant was that there's no way in hell I'd willingly separate a child from her mother. Noire, why didn't you tell me?"

"B-because… mother asked me… not to…" she mumbled, looking up at me guiltily.

"Noted. Tharja, that was stupid of you. While I am pissed off right now, I am also happy. And slightly confused as to how I'm going to survive surrounded by so much feminine energy, but that's a problem for later. Noire, make no mistake. Your father loves you."

The young archer, apparently my daughter as well, sniffled and smiled, her whole face lighting up. Tharja looked downtrodden, though, realizing the mistake she'd made. Of course I'd be happy! I mean, I loved Tharja, but not in a 'let's get married' kind of way. More like… a sister I occasionally had rough sex with. I'd explained that to her. Human relationships were complicated in reality. She'd accepted that. Why in god's name would she want to hide this from me now?

"And why didn't you say anything?" I asked, turning to Severa.

She shrugged dismissively. "I still have gaps in my memory. That one only came back to me when I thought to myself 'god I wish he'd shut up'."

"Ooh I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are," I deadpanned. "I clearly did not spank you enough. So where does she fit into the timeline?"

"Oldest," Severa huffed.

"Ah, middle child syndrome," I said, nodding sagely. "That explains so much…"

Severa rolled her eyes, turning away from me again but remaining mercifully silent. I spun back to Tharja, red in the face now and looking at the table.

"Tharja," I called out. "This is a lot to take in right now. But I'm not going to just abandon you and take Noire away. I care about you, and I come with automatic love for Noire. So… relax. Trust me."

"I'm pregnant," she said without looking up.

Noire winced as Severa sighed, shaking her head.

"What, now!?" I asked, aghast.

Tharja nodded meekly.

"B-but the herbs…"

"They are not fool-proof," Tharja said. "I did warn you that sometimes they didn't work…"

And with that the table fell into silence again. Oh, the awkward silence was painful. I didn't know how to deal with this. I had done absolutely zero preparation for this eventuality, and it was clearly showing. After a few moments Morgan stood up, and all eyes turned to her.

"Fuck. This," she announced, stepping back from the table.

I inwardly groaned, preparing myself mentally for a teenage freak-out. And who could blame her, being surrounded by all of this stupid adult bull-shit? However, she surprised us all, I think, when she stepped around Noire and threw her arms around a stunned Tharja in a tight hug.

"I'm so happy for you!" Morgan laughed. "How does this make us related? Are you, like, my Aunt? Fuck it, you're my aunt! Congratulations, Aunt Tharja! We're all happy for you! Especially Noire, because now she's going to be born! _Right, _everybody?"

Severa's eyes widened as she nodded, clearly shocked by her little sister's domineering attitude. Noire sniffled and shifted again, joining Morgan in hugging a catatonically-shocked Tharja, the Dark Mage's mouth hanging slightly agape as she tried to comprehend what was happening.

At that point I was so fucking proud of Morgan it hurt. She could successfully adult far better than me.

And with that realization, I gave up. At that very point I gave the fuck up. There really was no fighting it at this point. Hell, I made more than enough to support two families if I had to, thanks to the little fact that I was Chrom's retainer, so money wasn't an issue. I had a big fuck-off fort to house everyone in. As for whether or not I was emotionally ready to have six kids? Well, there was only one way to find out.

"Yeah," I said with a smile. "This is great news, Tharja. I'm so fucking happy right now."

Tharja blinked and smiled back, her eyes getting a little misty as she basked in the attention.

Everyone was happy. Why wouldn't they be? I would just have to be happy now and figure out how, exactly, this fucked up family dynamic was going to work later.

At least I now had a big fucking fort to house everyone. I kept focusing on the fort. It helped.

* * *

After dinner I found my ass on the floor outside the door to our room while the girls had a bath. Of course, this being one of the nicer inns they'd had enough hot water to fill a tub. It had cost me quite a bit for such a luxury, but both Morgan and Severa had been a little subdued after my sudden asthma attack and Tharja's revelation at the tavern, so I'd decided to just shell out to cheer them up. Judging from the giggling and happy shrieking inside the room, it had worked.

I'd never understood that whole 'fun-bath-time' thing. I didn't even like fucking in the shower back home. The shower was there for one purpose and one purpose only; to get clean. Soaking in a hot bath just seemed like a waste of time to me. But if the girls enjoyed it who was I to judge?

Noire and Tharja had retired to their inn next door, and I promised to make time to talk to them properly once we were back in Port Ferox. One thing was for certain, though. I'd just lost one of my major magical presences, because there was no way in the name of unholy fuck I was bringing a woman pregnant with my daughter to a warzone. She'd just have to stay behind and get first pick of rooms in my new fort.

I was considering calling it Fort Kickass, or something equally absurd. Fort Condor? No, no one would get the Final Fantasy reference… Fort DILLIGAF (which is an acronym for 'Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck'?) was also a front-runner. Why was I sitting there thinking about what to name my Fort? Because I was drunk and reeling with the knowledge I was about to be surrounded by more estrogen than a man trapped in a women's locker room.

It had been a long time since I'd drank. Since the victory party, in fact. But it had seemed fitting this evening.

Knowing that I didn't marry Tharja had helped. Apparently in the future she'd been one of the first to go, during the Valmese war in fact, and I'd gotten Noire at quite a young age. Which explained why she had memories of her mother, but no actual Dark Magic know-how.

I would make sure that no one went without both parents in this fucking timeline. I promised myself that, right there and then.

However, the question of how to explain the newest development in the train-wreck that was my life to Cordelia was still eating at me.

Before I could ruminate further on this conundrum, though (and yes, I use big words when I'm drunk), the door behind me opened and I fell flat on my back.

"Okay Dad! It's all safe!" Morgan said.

"Good to know," I said, blinking from the floor.

Morgan snorted before doubling over with laughter. So we'd all had a little to drink that night. So what? Well, except for Tharja. No booze for my baby-mama. Oh god, I had a baby-mama. Holy fuck. My life was rapidly spiraling out of control and there was no light at the end of the-

"Rargh!" Morgan roared, throwing herself down on me with a text-book body-slam.

Like, a perfect, pro-wrestling body-slam, complete with landing most of her weight on the floor so it sounded painful, but really wasn't. And then she proceeded to start tickling me.

"Oh my – BWAH-HA-HA – God, girl, I'm going to fucking – HA! HA-HA-HAH! – kill you if you don't – HE-HE-HAH! – MORGAN! Get the fuck off of me!"

"NEVER!" Morgan declared, increasing the rate of her attack.

Clearly I was not the only one still slightly intoxicated. After a few more moments of torturous tickling I only endured due in no small part to the fact that I was, indeed, still drunk, Morgan stopped. Both of us panted as we lay on the floor, Morgan resting her head on my chest with one arm slung over me. We lay like this for a time, how long I wasn't sure. Time passes funny when you're drunk. After a while Severa appeared, leaning over top of us with a slightly less intense scowl than she usually wore on her face. Hell, it was almost a smile.

"Hey honey," I grinned. "Think you can help me up? Daddy had too much to drink."

"So did Morgan!" Morgan added, her head lifting slightly off my chest before plonking right back down. "Help us, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You're our only hope!"

"That you know that reference alone proves you are my daughter," I said, looking down at the girl laying on my chest.

"Yeah!" Morgan cheered. "I remember you telling us the story of Star Wars when we were kids! It was always my favorite bedtime story! I liked Chewy! GWARBLERAWGLERAGH!"

"Everyone likes Chewy," I agreed, nodding and grinning at her Wookie-impersonation.

Severa sighed and shook her head before reaching down and dragging Morgan off of me. I lay there as the sound of shuffling feet receded and approached again, Severa bending again to help me to my feet and closing the door now that I was finally out of the doorway. She led me to a bed, funnily enough already occupied with Morgan.

Okay, so we were both a whole hell of a lot drunker than she was. I could understand her not wanting to spoon with a drunken sister or, heaven forbid, father. So I made her life easy and flopped down next to Morgan, who giggled happily and snuggled back up to my side.

"Okay, scootch over," Severa groaned, making shooing motions with her hands.

Morgan and I both glanced up at her before shrugging and doing as she said. I was pretty easy to corral when I drank, and clearly so was Morgan. So we did as we were told. And then Severa blew out the lamp illuminating the room and slid into bed on the opposite side as her sister, snuggling up close to my side the way Morgan had.

"D-don't get the wrong idea!" Severa huffed, tsundere to the core. "I'm only doing this because… it gets cold at night!"

"Why did I even pay for the extra bed, then?" I sighed, wrapping an arm around both of my kids.

Okay, this? This I could deal with.

* * *

A few days later we tromped back into Port Ferox, spirits high. Well, everyone else's spirits, anyway.

Now that I was finally back in Port Ferox I had to face the music and talk to Cordelia.

I debated getting cleaned up, first. Then I debated getting really, really drunk. In the end, though, I settled for simply finding Cordelia and telling her everything, otherwise I'd end up putting it off until it blew up in my face (if history was any indication). I hadn't thought of anything worth saying. I didn't really think I had anything worth saying. Hell, I didn't even know if I'd be able to say anything when I did find her.

But, I had to try.

According to the guard rotation, she was supposed to be patrolling along the edge of the town at the moment, so that's where I went. I found her before long, her pegasus trotting along behind her as she meandered her way along the path, eyes scanning everything despite her relaxed pace.

"Hey," I called out, jogging a little to catch up with her.

When she spotted me her face broke out into a small smile, the same one that she always got when I did something particularly stupid that she couldn't help but laugh at.

"Hey yourself," she said as I finally caught up. "Didn't you just get back?"

"We did," I said. "I haven't even had a chance to catch my breath yet."

"Or take a bath, apparently," Cordelia laughed.

"Hey, ouch," I chuckled, feigning hurt. "First thing I do after a month on the road is rush back here to see you and this is the thanks I get?"

"Oh, met by the smelly Grandmaster himself," Cordelia laughed. "I must be the luckiest girl in the world."

I chuckled and shook my head, and we walked along in silence for a time. I marveled at the fact that, at some point, the people here had stopped being 'characters from a game' to me. They were real people, and I'd stopped making the distinction between the two groups a while ago now. I couldn't pin down when.

"So to what was so important you had to rush all the way out here just to see me?" Cordelia asked.

Here we were, then. The crux of the matter. Time to take the plunge.

I took a deep breath to steady my nerves, clenching my fists to stop my hands from shaking.

"Well, I met my daughter," I explained. "In fact, I met all three of them."

"Three?" Cordelia asked, genuinely surprised.

"Yeah," I said with a grin.

"Well, tell me about them!" Cordelia insisted.

"They're all great," I laughed. "Noire, the oldest, she's… a little weird. Eccentric, likes to snap and shout random shit. She looks just like Tharja, too, but has shorter hair and smiles more."

Cordelia's face went slack for a moment before she made a thoughtful sound, turning back to the road as we continued to patrol. I stole a glance at her, wincing. She was wearing the same fake smile, the same mask, she'd worn in the months after her squad's deaths during the war with Plegia. It hurt to see it again.

"I see," she said eventually. "Lady Tharja must be ecstatic to have born you three children in the future."

"Actually, Noire's the only one," I said, my grin widening. "The other two, they've got a different mother. You've already met one of them. But Morgan, the youngest, she's my baby. Takes after me way more than her sisters. Like a chirper, happy version of me. But so mature for her age! Totally pulled my ass out of the awkward-fire a bunch of times while we were travelling! Full of energy, and looks just like her mom and sister. Oh thank the gods none of them look like me. But yeah."

Cordelia stopped, eyes widening as I turned to look her square in the eye.

"She looks just like her sister, Severa. And her mother. You."

Cordelia's face burst into a radiant smile, and she shook her head a little, brushing past me.

"You know, you and Severa are a lot more alike than you might think," she said. "I knew as soon as I met her who her father was."

"Yeah, I know it's a lot to… wait. What!?"

Cordelia laughed, tilting her head back as she spun to look at me again.

"She acts exactly like you when you're in a mood," she explained. "And she has your nose and eyes. I would very much like to meet this Morgan that takes after me so much, though."

I blinked a few times, trying to comprehend this new twist.

"So you're telling me you knew the whole time and didn't tell me?" I asked, just to be sure.

"I wasn't certain," Cordelia explained. "Her memories of her childhood were hazy at best. And after our little talk in Ylisstol two years ago…"

She trailed off, and I involuntarily cringed.

"Yeah, so I'm hardly the most stable guy," I sighed. "I'm terrified of commitment. I'll admit it. Hell, I'll shout it from the rooftops. But… I do love you. And I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it, but- MRPGH!"

Whatever else I was about to say was cut off as Cordelia stepped forwards, sealing my lips with her own. She dropped her spear, wrapping both arms around my neck and pulling herself closer to me. When she finally broke away she grinned at me a little, blushing slightly.

"I've waited two years to hear you say that," she said. "And I love you too, with all that I am. With all of my heart."

"A-are you sure?" I stammered. "Because, you know, I'm grouchy. And hairy. And short. And any boys I have will probably go bald, too. And, and I'm a total workaholic. And I have a child with another woman."

Cordelia laughed again.

"Yes, that last one isn't… ideal," she agreed. "But we'll work it out."

"Okay, this seems too good to be true," I said, furrowing my brow. "Like, this is way too easy. What's the catch?"

Cordelia's smile took on a slight hint of sadness, a note of pity in her next statement.

"Have you considered that I may just want to be with you?"

I blinked. "No. That doesn't make sense. I don't even want to be with me. Why would someone like _you_ want to be with me!?"

"Because of your kindness," Cordelia said, blushing. "When I was at my lowest, it was you that was there to pick me back up. You were there, my hero, when no one else ever had been. You give yourself far too little credit."

"But I-"

"No buts," she interrupted me. "Naga knows I'm not perfect either. But you love me."

"I do."

"And I love you, too. I am tired of being alone. And I want you to be the one that ends my loneliness."

I honestly never thought someone would ever say that to me again. 'I love you'. It had been such a long time since I'd heard those words… I was choking up a little.

"I love you," I repeated, my face breaking into a grin. "I… I don't even have a ring to give you. But… would… er… I mean… if it's not moving too fast… marry… me…?"

Cordelia was silent for a moment, looking up at me before a trail of tears began to run from her eyes, and her smile grew to the point where she could no longer contain her half-laughing, half-sobbing answer.

"Yes. Yes! Yes, I will marry you!"

I gave a relieved sigh, letting my forehead come to a rest against hers.

"Thank you," I whispered. "I didn't think I'd… ever get another chance at this. This kind of life. I'm so fucking happy, Cordelia."

"Not half as happy as you've made me!" she said, shaking her head slightly. "Thank you. I thought nothing could warm my heart again. I shall love you above all others, for the rest of my days."

I grinned, the familiar line making me chuckle a little. But where it had been an irritating source of guilt at first, I welcomed it. Because it meant that I'd made it. S-rank support, marriage and children. Of course, this didn't mean diddly-squat in reality. I'd have to work on it. Work on myself. Be a better man. The man Cordelia and Severa and Morgan, and even Noire and Tharja, all deserved.

I had a lot of work to do, in other words.

But, for the first time in more than four years as I held Cordelia against me, I felt a little inkling of hope for the future; that I wouldn't be alone any more.

I shifted a little, frowning. This was physically uncomfortable, and not because I didn't like to be touched…

"Woman, for once in our lives lose the breast-plate!" I grunted.

"W-wha-" Cordelia managed as I started tugging at the straps on her armor.

"No buts! For once I want to hold you, not the damn armor! I don't care how small your boobs are!"

Cordelia laughed, swatting at my hands.

"N-no! Ben, not in public! Stop!" she giggled.

I'm pretty sure we were both smiling like idiots, but who cared. We were finally happy.

* * *

About a week after my confession to Cordelia and our subsequent engagement I marched through the Ylissean countryside, a clear destination in mind. We still had more time before the ships arrived, so I was running one last errand before we left for Valm; something I'd put off for far too long.

I'd opted to travel almost alone, with a few guards for my 'safety'. A shadow passed over me, Morgan letting out an excited whoop as Cordelia led her mount in a sweeping dive before racing back into the air. Noire reflexively grabbed my sleeve, hiding a little behind my shoulder and Severa huffed, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes at her sister's meek behavior.

Tharja was already halfway back to Fort Kickass. Elle and Bertha would take care of her until we got back (that's right I'd totally poached Bertha and half of the other staff from Chrom before we'd left Ylisstol). She'd clearly not wanted to go, but Morgan and I had managed to talk her down with promises that I'd lead from the back ranks and play it totally safe. That, plus a fort full of unprotected servants to try out mean hexes and shit on, had apparently swayed her.

And now I was marching through idyllic Ylissean farmlands with my fiancé and time-travelling children.

God my family was screwed up… my brothers would have had a field-day.

But, as weird and broken as it was, it was still my family. The one I'd made for myself. Or… would make, once the kids were born… or… whatever.

I'd also come to terms with the fact I'd probably never go home now. Why bother? I missed my family, sure, but I had people here who depended on me. Honestly, I was pretty important in the Ylissean military, too. Something that had happened totally by accident. I had rank, I owned land, and I even employed servants for Christ's sake. Why would I screw up a good thing by leaving?

"How much further is it?" Severa asked in a huff.

"Not much further," I chuckled, mind returning to the task at hand. "Ask me that again, though, and I'll turn this convoy around and there'll be no clandestine mission for anyone."

Severa shot me a glare before sighing and shaking her head. She had learned fast not to enable my stupid. Which was disappointing, sure, but it showed she was smart and capable of learning.

Papa Bear was so proud. That's what they'd taken to calling me around camp. Thanks to a certain loud-mouthed manakete that liked to harp on me for being covered in hair… Nowi really did remind me of my youngest brother sometimes.

Noire looked up at me guiltily, grinning like a kid when I winked and ruffled her hair the way I did to Morgan. She got on great with her sisters, but it would clearly take some time for her to warm up to Cordelia. Which was fine; I wasn't about to force them to have a relationship of any kind, but they were both trying for my sake, and that made me feel… strange.

It was strange, having a family like this. I took it for granted that my brothers and parents back home would put in as much as I did; that we'd compromise for each other, let shit slide to not start fights, and that we'd just be there for one another.

That the girls were all doing that here made me feel equal parts guilt, terror and blinding happiness.

In the distance the form of a farmhouse was growing ever larger. That was our destination.

He was waiting for us there.

Okay, so he had no idea we were coming. But before I went to Valm and potentially died I wanted to talk to him and settle the score.

Morgan let out another whoop above us as Cordelia spun her mount in a tight barrel roll, and Severa sighed.

"Knowing Morgan we're going to spend the entire walk back picking up the stuff she dropped out of her pockets," the tsundere-goddess muttered.

Noire instantly perked up, her sharp eyes scanning the ground around us to get a head-start on the clean-up, but I just grinned and shook my head. All of Morgan's shit was currently weighing down my own pack; kid had common sense about the weirdest shit, I'd give her that. Noire jumped again, though, when an armored form appeared out of the stalks of wheat swaying in the breeze, his plates painted a dull green and his face smeared with black mud. Severa froze, hand already automatically going to the hilt of her sword.

"Report," I said, forestalling their freak-outs.

The scout nodded.

"Sir. Target Alpha is in the farmhouse. We have squads positioned at points around the farm and in the village. Awaiting orders."

"Stand-by. Dig in, prepare for a long stake-out. We need to make sure that nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, gets anywhere near him. Understood?"

"Sir!" the scout said, nodding deeply and disappearing back into the wheat.

"Sometimes it's easy to forget you're actually a respected military commander," Severa huffed.

"Hey, I'm competent when I want to be," I shrugged. "C'mon. Let's not keep our host waiting."

Morgan and Cordelia flew around the farmhouse, circling it as Severa stood in the shade of a nearby tree, standing watch with a frown on her face and her arms crossed. Noire followed me as I stepped up to the farmhouse, a determined set to my features.

The door opened and a man in plain clothes, a few years my junior, stepped onto the porch to meet us.

"I was wondering why there were so many soldiers hiding in my crops. Now I see that I'm paid a visit from the Lord of Tactics himself? To what do I owe the honor, milord?"

I stepped up to the man, about my height but thinner in the shoulders. And a thick shock of white hair atop his head.

"Robin, I presume?" I asked solemnly. "We need to talk."

* * *

About an hour later Robin nodded slowly, setting down the simple tea cup he had been drinking out of. Noire and I sat across from him, both holding similar cups. He'd invited us inside to speak, and had even offered us tea. Not wanting to be a rude doucher, I accepted. Now I had just finished explaining things to him. Everything.

"That's… quite a lot to take in," he said after a moment.

"Yeah," I agreed, casting a worried glance at Noire.

She was taking the revelation I'd come from a different universe altogether pretty well. Or else she didn't understand.

"So… I'm meant to be you?" he asked slowly.

"You're meant to be in my position," I corrected. "Instead of finding you in the field, they found me first. That's how this all began."

Robin nodded again, a solemn look on his face for a moment before it broke into a grin.

"I'm actually rather glad you didn't find me, then," he said, a note of laughter in his voice. "Because the people that found me instead-"

"Robin? Darling, are you in here?"

All three of us looked up as a woman, the Village Maiden model from Awakening, walked in carrying a bundle of what could only be a baby to her chest. Robin's grin increased as he stood, greeting the woman.

"Yes, dear," he said. "I'd like to introduce you to the Lord of Tactics, sir Ben. And his… er…"

"My daughter," I supplied, standing myself now. "I know, I know. I'm older than I look."

The woman appeared flustered for a moment before nodding her head and dropping a polite, one-handed curtsey.

"M-milord, milady," she greeted, eyes downcast.

I laughed, smiling.

"Please, don't bother," I said. "I'm not on the clock right now. Just Ben is fine."

"O-of course, Sir Ben!" the maiden said quickly. "W-where are my manners! I'll get you some tea! Robin, hold Morgan for-"

I laughed again, putting a forestalling hand on the woman's shoulder. Robin was grinning, too, barely containing his own laughter.

"Relax," I said. "Robin already served us. He's been a perfect host and you have a beautiful and warm home. Very inviting."

"T-thank you, sir," she said. "It's n-not very often we see nobility in these parts. I never thought… I'd play host to one."

"It's nice to see some things are universal, though," I laughed, looking down at the baby in her arms. "My youngest, her name is Morgan, too."

"Truly?" the maiden asked in surprise.

"Yes, what a coincidence," Robin snickered.

The baby began to sniffle, clearly being uncomfortable being around so many people. The Village Maiden shushed her, bouncing her lightly and trying to calm her.

"We should probably leave," I said kindly. "Are you sure I can't talk you into joining us, Robin? We could use another sharp mind in the Ylissean Armed Forces."

He shook his head, wrapping an arm around his wife's waist and pulling her and his daughter close.

"No, milord," he said. "My place is here. Whatever was meant to be… well… I have a good life here now."

I nodded. It was fair, in my opinion. We both had good lives. His was probably better than mine, though… no one trying to kill him on a daily basis.

"Although, one thing does come to mind," he added, separating from his wife and turning. "Wait right here, please."

I looked questioningly to the woman, who shrugged apologetically. Noire shifted behind me, reminding me she was there, too. After a few moments Robin reappeared, holding a black bundle out to me.

"When they found me, this was all I had," he explained. "Somehow it feels like… you should have them. Ylisse's tactician should have them."

I accepted the bundle. A black coat, Robin's coat, unfurled in my hands. Wrapped within it was a spellbook.

"Are you sure you don't want to keep these?" I asked in a low voice.

He smiled, shaking his head.

"I'm not the man you described," he explained. "Besides, it seems like you slipped into that role pretty easily. Take them."

I nodded, folding the coat back up and tucking both items under my arm.

"Thank you, Robin," I said. "If it's okay, I'll come back to visit once we return from Valm."

"Of course, milord," he said as we left. "In fact, I should be thanking you. If you hadn't have been there that day, I never would have met my love, and I never would have been able to achieve… all of this. So thank you."

I smiled over my shoulder one more time before stepping out of the house, into the bright daylight. Noire was right on my heels, looking back and forth between me and the house. I set a slow pace as we headed back to where Severa was waiting. Cordelia and Morgan had joined her in the shade, letting her pegasus rest a little. Noire looked up at me in concern.

"Are you… o-okay?" she asked quietly as we walked. "All of that… stuff you said… about…"

"I'm alright," I chuckled, ruffling her hair. "It's all old news now. Here's where I am, and here's where I'll stay."

I stopped, and on a whim I pulled Robin's coat on. It fit perfectly, like it had been made for me.

I looked down at my daughter, smiling up at me as she fixed her hair. In the distance Morgan called out, smiling and laughing as she waved at us. Cordelia smiled as well, running a hand along her mount's neck as it whinnied. Severa glanced at me out of the corner of her eye, her expression softening as she did.

This was where I was.

This was where I'd stay.

I had work to do here. Here, I had a purpose. There were wars to fight, and people to protect. People like Robin and his wife. Like Elle and Bertha back at Fort Kickass. Hell, even people like my family, waiting for me in the shade. Even that didn't feel weird to me anymore.

"I'm alright," I repeated, a smile rising to my face as I started walking again.

Turns out Lucina had been right. There was still good in the world.

Not like I'd ever tell her that to her face, though…

"I'm alright."

_**An End**_

* * *

**AN2019: Ha ha! The original ending for the first Self Insert book, uploaded originally on April 1st 2016. God I pissed people off with that. **


	3. Metallover's Self Insert Christmas

**Metallover's Self Insert Christmas**

'_Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a-_

"Fuck this snow bullshit! Argh! Do you know where I lived before Ylisse? The tropics. Do you know why!? Because it doesn't fucking snow! Why do people even live in a place like this!? Do you know the last time I even saw my testicles!? Do you!?"

I shivered, pulling my coat tighter around my shoulders. Unbeknownst to most people that were acquainted with me I had a pretty high tolerance for the cold up to a certain point. Once that point was reached, however…

"Fuck snow, fuck ice, and fuck the holiday season!" I growled, rubbing my arms for good measure.

From my side Robin gave a little laugh, shaking her head. "I think the last time I heard you complain like this was in Valm when we couldn't get the ingredients for chocolate chip cookies."

"Raisins are not a valid substitute for chocolate, Robin!" I snapped.

The beautiful young white-haired woman just laughed, brushing one white pigtail over her coat's shoulder. We were walking through the snowy streets of Ylisstol towards the Palace, where all the Shepherds would be spending the holidays together as part of Nagamas.

Yes, fucking Nagamas.

It was a thing. A carbon-copy of Christmas except it celebrated the birth of Naga. Unlike the birth of the messiah (depending on who you ask, anyway), however, Tiki was here to verify that yes, December 25th was actually her mother's birthday. And, being the reigning monarch, Chrom had decided to throw a Christmas - Nagamas, fuck! – party just for the Shepherds. There would be a big fancy-ass ball on the 24th for the visiting nobility and blah blah blah, but all I really cared about was getting fucked up on egg nog and eating my weight in turkey.

The snow rose almost to my knees it had been falling so heavily, an anomaly for this time of year according to Miriel, and Robin's coat actually left a little trail in the snow where it was dragging. Most of the shops in the capital weren't open due to the crappy weather, but we'd still had to go and find someone to sell us booze. I wasn't spending a holiday season under any name sober. Fortunately the best distillery wasn't far from the Royal Ward, so we'd only had to trudge through knee-deep snow in what was fast becoming a blizzard for about an hour and a half to find them mercifully open. Well, okay, not open-open, but it was nothing a few extra shiny coins couldn't fix. I did feel kind of bad for breaking down that door, though. Meh, never come between me and booze. Now, burdened with bags containing a good thirty liters of spirits in various glass bottles, we were returning victorious. Chrom had heaps of ale and wine stored away, but both I and the visiting Feroxi liked the harder stuff.

"Oh bitch, bitch, bitch," Robin said, rolling her eyes. "Look, you wanted the booze."

"Yeah, only because Flavia's paying."

"Regardless, this was your idea."

"So why are you here?"

"I like to watch you suffer."

"Why are we not married?"

"Because I don't like bearded men," Robin laughed, giving me a playful shove.

However, unfortunately due to the fact that the ground beneath my feet was covered in a good foot of ice and snow, I slipped and fell flat on my back. I twisted so that the precious booze would land on the soft snow beside me. Blinking and waiting for my senses to return to me I decided 'fuck it' and lay there, my back slowly freezing and my cheeks starting to tingle, watching the snow fall lazily down on my face as Robin laughed. After a few moments she finally calmed, and something fell down into the snow beside me. I glanced over, Robin grinning at me as she lay back in the snow at my side.

"The hell are you doing?" I asked.

"You looked comfortable," Robin laughed.

"I'm just frozen."

"I can fix that," Robin said, a devilish grin on her face.

Before I could even make a witty remark she leaned over me, boobs pressing right into my chest as she rummaged around in the bag at my side and pulled out the first bottle she could find that looked like scotch.

"Warmer yet?" she asked, knowing exactly what she'd done.

"Give me the scotch, then we'll talk."

Robin laughed again as she cracked the wax seal on the bottle, taking a long swig before passing it to me. I sat up just enough to take a long drink of my own, the harsh liquor burning its way to my stomach and sending some warmth back to my limbs. Finally, reluctantly, I sat back up, brushing the snowflakes out of my beard as I did.

"Never thought I'd get away with sitting in the middle of the street drinking," Robin laughed.

I glanced around, realizing we were, indeed, sitting in the middle of what would usually be a busy upper-class Ylisstol street. High class boutiques and cafes lined the road, gardens buried beneath the snow spread out at regular intervals along the sides of the paved street. However it was deserted, all the sane people hiding from the weather in their nice warm houses. I sneezed, shaking my head and climbing carefully back to my feet.

"Alright, I want to be drunk and I don't want to freeze to death as I do it," I said, reaching down to help Robin up. "Let's go make a mess out of that fancy apartment that Chrom set us all up in."

Robin allowed me to pull her up, giving me another devilish smile.

Before pushing me back over in the snow and trying to dance away.

However, Robin and I had been partners in crime for years now, and I knew this was coming. As I went down I shouted a muffled curse, scissoring my legs and tripping the tactician. She gave a small shriek of surprise before face-planting in the snow herself, and then I was on her.

"Oh yeah, real smart! You asked for this!" I shouted, shoveling handfuls of snow into her loose collar and down her back.

"Eek! Ben you bastard, stop that's really cold!" Robin laughed, bucking me off and tossing a handful of snow in my face for good measure.

"You started this!" I repeated, flinging snow back at her.

After only a few moments we were already breathing hard, totally covered in the white powder. As a side note, my shirt was now full of snow, too; she'd gotten in close there for a few moments, just long enough to exact her revenge. I was kneeling as Robin stood, her hands on her knees, both of us struggling to catch our breath as we exchanged a glance.

"Truce?" Robin asked, brushing some of the powder out of her hair.

"Truce," I gasped, nodding.

Robin stepped forward, offering me her hand this time. I waited for her to get close, then as soon as she dropped her guard my hands snapped out, pulling the waistband of her pants out enough for me to dump a handful of snow down the front of her pants while screaming "No prisoners!" at the top of my lungs. She yelped, hitting me with a blast of subconscious wind magic that lifted me up and threw me onto my back. Then she was there, straddling my chest, hands both full of clumped snow as she smiled down at me with just a hint of that old Grimleal madness in her eyes.

"No prisoners," she repeated, her voice low and dangerous.

"I regret nothing!" I shouted, flinging another handful of snow in her face.

Thus our outing devolved into a snow-flinging free-for-all, both of us utterly frozen by the time we managed to drag our sorry carcasses back to the palace.

I still won, though.

* * *

"I cannot believe you had a snowball fight without me," Morgan sulked a few hours later.

"I totally won," I said, my teeth still chattering.

"Y-y-you… wish," Robin stammered, sniffling miserably. "That was m-my… over… overwhelming victory!"

We were seated on Chrom's ridiculously over-sized chairs in front of the fireplace in the apartment that a good ten of us were sharing for the duration, bundled up under blankets as we desperately tried to raise our core temperatures above 'cadaver'. Morgan huffed, the hem of her inherited blue coat, the same one I'd worn during the campaign in Valm and was currently hanging drying in my room, flashing in my peripheral vision next to a familiar black coat that I knew for a fact was hanging up drying in Robin's room.

"Yes, yes, you're both great heroes of the Snowball War. Here, drink these."

I glanced up, a white-haired young man passing us both steaming mugs. Robin's was tea, mine was coffee. Sweet, blessed coffee. Morgan appeared next to him, holding a mug of her own. Daraen, Robin's time-travelling son, crossed his arms and glared down at us.

"Really, how old are the two of you?" he asked, mimicking almost perfectly the tone his mother used when she was chewing me out.

I shrugged as Robin let out another sniffle, the two of us sipping our drinks in tandem. Usually the boy was mellower than this, but I guess, like everyone else, being around me had ruined him. Morgan rolled her eyes, moving to perch on the arm of my chair and leaning back against my shoulder. The girl was a mere wisp of a thing, looking even smaller in her ridiculously oversized coat, half my size and looking almost exactly like her mother. Her shoulder length brown hair was pulled away from her face in a messy ponytail, strands of hair protruding every-which-where, grinning at her male counterpart.

"Oh, leave them alone, Daraen," she chuckled. "Even old people gotta have some fun."

"Hey, fuck you I'm only ten years older than you in this timeline," I huffed, jabbing my fingers in my daughter's ribs.

Morgan let out a squeak, giggling a little as she re-settled herself against me. Robin gave another sniffle.

"I think I caught a cold," she groaned.

"You started it," I shrugged.

"And I finished it, too," she grinned.

"Well just for that I'ma be a sore loser and not share this with you," I said, slowly pulling a smaller bottle of random brown liquor I'd pulled out of my bag when I'd been changing out from beneath my blanket. I then proceeded to pour a generous helping into my mug, then Morgan's for good measure (which she seemed to be very happy about), all as Robin watched with undisguised longing in her eyes. She relented, gave a sigh and rolled her eyes.

"Fine, you won, happy?" she grumbled, holding her own mug out.

"Yes," I said, topping her off. "Undefeatable, baby. Good for morale."

"Hail to the undefeatable Lord of Tactics!" Morgan declared.

"Kiss ass all you want, I'm not giving you any more booze," I chuckled.

"Aw, you suck," Morgan pouted.

"When you turn eighteen and your liver is no longer my problem, then you can drink as much as you want," I said, taking another sip of my boozy coffee. "Until then, moderation. Because I love you."

"Aw, love you too, dad- stop trying to distract me!"

We all laughed, before settling in before the fire to warm up in silence for a little while. Morgan eventually forced me to scoot over and was now bundled under the blanket with me, while Daraen was still perching on the arm of his mother's chair. Robin cast us a few little glares, clearly still jealous I had such a close relationship with my spawn and she didn't. And why wouldn't she? Morgan was the cutest thing in this world. Hell, in any world. In existence. And she was mine. How I, a self-professed 'ugly fucking chode' had created such a masterpiece I would never know. That's not to say I didn't think Noire was adorable, too, but Morgan was small and adorable. I couldn't help it. With a sigh Morgan, the most adorable thing in existence, reached forward, placing her empty mug on the floor and snuggling back against my shoulder.

"I hope the others all make it here okay," she said, pointedly looking out the window.

Snow was still falling outside, the sky having becoming an ominous dark grey since we had gotten back. One of Chrom's servants would probably be along soon to light lanterns and lamps in every room it was starting to get so dark outside.

"Why, worried you won't be able to torture Yarne?" Daraen asked.

"Well, yeah," Morgan shrugged. "But it just wouldn't be the same without the whole set, would it?"

"I heard Yarne and Panne were arriving this afternoon," Robin supplied. "Out of everyone I think the snow would affect them the least."

"Or the most, considering how much clothing they usually wear," I added.

"Meh, I'm sure it'll be fine," Daraen said flippantly. "There's an open bar, right? I'd say that would be enough to bring just about everyone back, even Gerome."

"Ooh! Ooh! Think I'll finally see him without his mask?" Morgan asked excitedly.

"Doubt it," Daraen shrugged.

"I feel like I could make a Batman joke here, but I'm still too cold," I sighed.

"So add some more whiskey to your drink?" Morgan suggested. "I like Batman jokes…"

"Even if I did I wouldn't share," I said, pointedly quirking a brow.

"Argh! You suck!" she wailed. "Batman would have shared!"

"Morgan?" I said.

"Yes, dad?"

"I'm Batman," I said, my voice low and gravelly.

* * *

Of course, the snow didn't stop for the next few days as the Shepherds trickled in, culminating with a nearly frozen Say'ri and Tiki, the swordmaster having ridden the ancient manakete to Ylisstol when it became apparent that their caravan wouldn't be able to pass through the snow. She had then spent the entire evening trying to apologize to Tiki for riding her 'like a common wyvern'. Which had been hilarious. It had only gotten funnier when Cherche had overheard the Princess refer to the noble wyvern as a 'common flying skink'. Libra had been a busy priest that evening.

I was now sitting with Say'ri and Tiki in Chrom's study, the Exalt himself stoking the fire as an attentive Frederick watched with a very put-out expression on his face.

"Fie, but it is cold here," Say'ri complained, wrapping a delicate cream shawl tighter around her shoulders.

"If you were wearing adequate clothing instead of a freaking yukata maybe you wouldn't be so cold," I grinned.

Chrom and I were both rugged up, and even Frederick looked bulkier than usual in his suit. Clearly the knight/butler had donned a thermal onesie underneath. Chrom was wearing a dignified jacket over his thickest tunic, and I was lounging in my duty uniform with my old coat thrown over top, both of which were surprisingly warm. However, unlike us Tiki was wearing her usual miniskirt, and Say'ri had opted for a lovely kimono that would no doubt have been more than adequate for a Chon'sinian winter.

"It is unseasonably cold this year," Chrom pointed out as he sank into his own chair.

Tiki let out a mighty yawn, her eyelids clearly growing heavy. I gave a laugh as Say'ri sighed, shaking her head a little. Grinning I shrugged off my coat and handed it to a startled Tiki.

"Here, you look like you're about to hibernate," I chuckled.

"Hey, I'm not actually cold blooded you know," she huffed, taking the coat and slipping it around her shoulders. "And I'll have you know that… uh… ah, so warm… now I'm even sleepier…"

"My lady Voice, please," Say'ri groaned.

"None of that!" Tiki declared, suddenly awake again. "We are all friends here. I keep telling you, no formalities. Speak to me the way Ben does."

"Indeed," Chrom agreed, grinning. "Although, perhaps show a little bit more respect than Ben does. In any case, how was the voyage over here?"

"Hey, fuck you, I'm respectful," I muttered.

"Long," Tiki huffed. "Boring. Say'ri wouldn't come out of her cabin."

"You know I am afraid of water," Say'ri muttered, looking away as she blushed.

"But you can only play shogi so many times!" Tiki moaned.

"I had go as well," Say'ri mumbled, blushing redder.

"What, did you forget all my remedies?" I asked mockingly.

"I ate so many crackers my mouth was a desert and I tied that little cord around my wrist so tight I feared I would lose my hand," Say'ri ground out. "Tis not only the seasickness. Tis the… the water. It is so deep and… open and… fie, I feel queasy merely thinking about it."

"And the crew were no fun," Tiki pouted. "They were all so fixated on me being the Voice none of them would even hold a conversation with me! Even the Captain!"

"Then I suppose your only option is to stay here with us, huh?" I asked, waggling my eyebrows. "Either that or get a chessboard for the trip back. They're great, you can play checkers on them, too."

"I still find it strange how you can do that," Tiki said, watching my eyebrows flutter.

"We will be staying until Spring, at the least," Say'ri said, ignoring my show of eyebrow dexterity. "With your blessing, of course, Exalt Chrom."

"No. Formalities," Tiki repeated, a wide, childlike grin spreading on her face as I did my rendition of the Rock's 'people's eyebrow'.

"Yes, of course, Say'ri," Chrom smiled. "I'd be happy to play host to the both of you. I doubt I'll be able to get rid of anyone before spring anyway, if I'm honest."

"Hell, you keep feeding me and I'll never leave," I said, finally looking away from Tiki. "Remember how long it took for me to get my own place last time? Sumia had to practically chase me out. Speaking of, where is Sumia, anyway?"

"She's with Cordelia and the girls, checking on the pegasai," Chrom said. "Cynthia was worried they would be cold in the roost."

"I've been in the damn roost," I grumbled. "It's warmer than my room. Hell, it's warmer than this room."

"We're sitting a foot away from the fireplace," Tiki laughed.

"You'll excuse me if I'm still not used to drafty old castles," I deadpanned.

"My palace is not 'drafty'!" Chrom said defensively.

"Your palace is drafty and so is the damn fort you gave me," I snapped. "Send some more damn blankets up to my room!"

"How many more blankets do you need!?" Chrom asked, exasperation radiating off of him.

"Morgan keeps stealing them all!"

"Well steal them back!"

"You look at that adorable face and then tell me if you could take blankets from her! Could you steal blankets from Lucina!? Well, okay maybe not future-Lucina, because she's been grouchy lately, but from baby-Lucina!? Could you!?"

Chrom let out an exasperated sigh as Tiki and Say'ri burst into laughter. Frederick just shook his head, standing by silently waiting for the kill order I had no doubt Chrom would be giving any day now.

That'd be a hell of a fight. Me vs Frederick. I'd probably go down, but I wouldn't make it easy for him…

"I do not approve of the way you instantly react to Lucina but not to my darling Morgan," I said, my eyes narrowing.

Chrom froze for a moment before leaning forward in his chair, his face stony. "She's my adorable little girl."

"Morgan's adorable."

"Lucina is adorable."

"Morgan's cuter."

"Beware, Ben, those are fighting words," Chrom said, his voice low. "You come dangerously close to speaking treason before your ruler."

"I speak truth!" I declared. "Morgan is the pinnacle of cuteness! My daughter is supreme!"

"Lucina is a Princess! She's the cutest! Ever! Princesses are cute!"

"You're royalty, that's an unfair bias!"

"Yes, I am royalty! And as your liege I order you to admit Lucina is cuter!"

"Fuck no! Make me!"

"Fie, but you two dote on those girls," Say'ri laughed, cutting us off before we could kill each other.

Chrom and I traded glares before looking away from each other. To my great shame this was not an argument we hadn't had before. It usually ended with us in the training ground. Or, more specifically, me lying on the training ground concussed as Chrom stood over me. Just because I'd gotten stronger lately didn't quite mean I could go toe-to-toe with the big guy, but I like to think I gave a decent accounting of myself. Especially when I was defending my baby's honor.

"I'm almost jealous," Tiki said, fake-pouting. The effect of which damn near killed me from cuteness.

"Ladies, I would be more than happy to facilitate the creation of two more Morgans if you would like me to-"

"Frederick," Chrom called, finally snapping.

I was cut off, managing a strangled croak before my windpipe was restricted, as two meaty hands wrapped around my throat from behind, bodily lifting me out of the chair and dragging me from the room.

"Very good, milord," Frederick said, not even struggling as he simultaneously strangled me and dragged me from the room.

Tiki and Say'ri exploded into laughter again as I was ejected from the room, and all I could think as stars danced around my vision was '_okay, maybe a fight between us would still be a little one-sided_'.

"Tiki! Tiki I need my coat back! Ti- Frederick, fuck you, let me go, I'm going! Tiki! It's fuckin' cold in this hallway! Coat! Coooooooooooat!"

* * *

It was the day before Nagamas now, and the snow still hadn't let up. On the plus side it meant that none of the local nobility had been able to come for the big fancy ball that Chrom and Sumia were supposed to throw, so I didn't have to deal with that particular brand of bullshit. The downside was that Chrom's palace, while pretty fucking huge, still wasn't big enough to hold all of the Shepherds without copious amounts of collateral damage. And after a week of constant snow everyone was starting to go more than a little stir crazy. The weather got so bad that no one could go outside to find gifts, so at least I didn't have to deal with that bullshit, either! All my Christmas wishes were coming true! But the constant snowfall was starting to get a little worrying for the others. Every morning now the mages went up to the palace's roof and battlements to blast the accumulated snow off so that the roof didn't cave in. The temperature, too, kept dropping, and to conserve fuel and heat whole wings of the palace were being closed off, adding to the general feeling of cabin-fever-pandemonium.

Basilio and Flavia had been drunk for days. Straight. I had tried to keep up with them, but I just… I couldn't do it. They were on a whole different level, a whole different plane of existence, to me. Vaike had valiantly tried, too, but I think he was still in an alcohol induced coma somewhere…

Yarne and Panne were both dangerously close to hibernating, something I wasn't sure that Taguel even did. I think they had turned the basement into a warren of some kind. Last I heard Panne had actually shifted forms and chased the help out of the room.

Both Minervas were actually hibernating, to Cherche and Gerome's great distress. I hadn't seen Cherche out of the Pegasus roost in nearly two days, and Gerome was surlier than usual. Although if he snapped at Morgan again I was going to shove that mask up his ass…

Frederick was leading his usual 'Hell Hour' fitness sessions, ensnaring just about anyone and everyone who walked by. Including the skeleton staff of maids and butlers that hadn't gone home for the holiday. Amazingly enough it appeared that Tharja had been so bored she'd joined in willingly. And instantly regretted her decision as she realized that sports-bras hadn't been invented in Ylisse yet, much to my and many of the other Shepherds' great amusement.

Olivia, Inigo, Stahl, Cordelia, Brady and Severa had been practicing non-stop for the upcoming Nagamas party's entertainment, and I'd heard Inigo complaining more than once about blisters on his feet from the constant dancing. Which was weird, because I'd seen Olivia's feet. Now, I'm not into feet, but hers were so perfect they gave me second thoughts.

But Lissa was still insistent that we hold the Shepherds' Christmas party, even without the gifts, and was insisting on decorating every room in the palace we were still using. Which was why she, Owain, Sumia, Cynthia and Lucina were all in my shared room hanging up tinsel and other ornaments. Sumia had just left to get more paper snowflakes, though.

"Honestly I'm surprised Morgan's not helping you," I said, watching from the opposite side of the room.

"We asked, but she's arguing tactics with Daraen again," Cynthia said, giving me a devilish grin. "When do you think they'll get married?"

"It'll have to be right after the funeral, because if he puts the moves on my baby girl I'm gonna kill him," I ground out through clenched teeth.

"You didn't kill Inigo," Owain pointed out, distractedly holding up a line of tinsel while Lissa affixed it to the wall above the fireplace. "Or Virion."

"He almost killed Inigo," Lissa laughed. "It was before you arrived. He gave the poor boy such a beating. Olivia didn't talk to him for a week."

"He did?" Owain asked, aghast.

"As for Virion, I know his training routine," I shrugged. "I couldn't beat him in a stand up fight."

"It takes a great hero to admit when they are outclassed!" Cynthia practically cheered.

"Which is why he spiked Virion's wine with laxatives," Lucina deadpanned, glaring at me.

"It was funny," I shrugged defensively.

"He was ill for days!" Lucina snapped. "You almost killed him with dehydration!"

"It. Was. Funny," I insisted.

"It was kinda funny," Lissa chuckled, agreeing with me.

Lucina sighed, and Robin gave a weak groan from where she was bedridden in the adjoining room. She had actually caught a cold, but Lissa and Tharja were both caring for her, so she'd apparently be back on her feet in time for the party.

"They're not wrong! It was pretty funny," she called out, her voice sounding oddly nasal from the cold.

"You're supposed to be resting!" Lissa called back.

"I was until Owain's first 'sword hand'," Robin groaned.

All the women present turned glares on the blonde boy, who wilted under the combined scrutiny. He actually went pale. It brought a smile to my face and warmed my cold, holiday-hating heart.

"Okay, we're getting distracted here," I said, pinching the bridge of my nose. "Why. My. Room."

"Oh, I'm decorating everywhere. Besides, I have to keep this bunch busy!" Lissa said, hopping down from the stool she had been on and grabbing the three younger Shepherds in a tight mom-hug, despite diminutive her size.

Owain smiled like he'd been looking forward to this, which given circumstances he probably had been, while Cynthia laughed awkwardly. Lucina made direct eye-contact with me and mouthed the words 'help me' as obviously as she could. I rolled my eyes, just as Sumia came back into the room carrying a large box of paper snowflakes that would, in a manner of hours, no doubt be hanging from the ceiling.

I was already debating how best to light them on fire without burning us all alive.

"I'm back! What did I miss?" she announced cheerily, setting the box down on the coffee table. Without tripping. Which was personal growth for her.

"Not much, just Ben being a grouch and Robin being sick," Lissa pouted.

"Okay, well Sumia's back so I'm tapping Lucina out. C'mon, Princess, we got work to do," I said, standing. "And Lissa, it's been years. You'd think you'd be used to me being a grouchy douche by now."

Lissa stuck her tongue out at me as Sumia rounded on me, her brow furrowing in a glare. "No working during the holidays!"

"I have a lot of people that depend on my work to live," I said, rolling out my neck. "And Luce's been my assistant for years. I need her help on this."

"Do not call me that," Lucina said weakly, already crossing to my side.

"If you're going to go get high without me I'm gonna kick your ass!" Robin shouted woozily from her room.

Sumia's expression turned crestfallen as she pointed her big, watery puppy-dog eyes at Lucina, her lower lip quivering. "B-but… this is our first Nagamas as… a family… you don't want to spend it a-as a family?"

Before Lucina could cave I stepped forward, sighing out my nose and placing my hands on her shoulders.

"Okay, one, Chrom's not here either, and two, I'm not stealing her forever, just a few hours. I've got some paperwork in the study and I'm not doing it all alone. Robin would usually do it, but since she lost so spectacularly at the snowball fight I'm stuck doing it myself."

"Have fun, ya bastard!" came Robin's cackle. "To the victor go the spoils! Ugh… Lissa! The room's spinning again!"

"So lie down and rest!" the Princess called back.

"But I don't wanna!" Robin whined.

Sumia seemed to deflate, looking down, and even I felt a small twinge of guilt.

"Alright," the Queen said with a nod. "As long as it's only for a few hours."

"I'll have her back before you know it," I promised. "C'mon, assistant. Assist me."

"You're never going to let that go, are you?" Lucina sighed as we stepped out into the hallway.

I just grinned, and we proceeded to the study in amicable silence. It wasn't far, just around the corner, and as soon as I closed the door to the cluttered room Lucina let out a sigh and sunk to one of the comfortable chairs that were placed almost randomly around the piles of books and papers as an afterthought.

"Ben, thank you so much for saving me," she groaned, leaning forward and resting her head in her hands. "I love my family dearly, but they can be so… so…"

"Psychotic?" I offered.

"No, you ass, overbearing," Lucina snapped.

"Well, don't get too giddy," I shrugged. "Because I wasn't kidding about that paperwork. I was just gonna leave it for Robin, but since we're here and we're both bored…"

Lucina sat there, watching me with an unreadable expression on her face as I crossed to the small stack of forms on the mostly-clear desk. It was nothing special, some requisition stuff I'd wanted to pass off to Anna, preferably while she was drunk and couldn't rip me off as bad as she usually did. But like I'd said, I was bored and we were here, so…

"I have a better idea," Lucina said, rising slowly to her feet.

"Oh? This ought to be good…" I said, leaning back against the desk with a grin. "What, pray tell, does our paragon of virtue and goodness think more important than _paperwork_?"

"I've been somewhat… stressed out lately," Lucina said, removing the tiara from her hair and shaking it loose, smiling as her silken blue tresses fell free. "Perhaps you could help… relieve some of my stress?"

Pretty sure my jaw hit the floor. _Lucina!?_ Of all people… the Princess, the one who made my life a literal hell every time I did anything even remotely stupid, one of my best friends since coming here to Ylisse, one of the top-tier most attractive waifus _in this fucking world_, was… down to bang?

Well then.

Fuck reason, fuck morality, and most importantly fuck conscience.

"Hell, it's about damn time," I grinned, crossing my arms.

Fuck. The hell. Yes.

"So you will do as I ask?" Lucina asked, taking a few seductive steps towards me, grinning with half-lidded eyes.

"Sure, why not? Might be nice to take the passive role for a change."

"Do you promise? I want to hear you say it."

"Yes, I promise to do as you ask. Princess…"

Lucina finally reached me, giving a small chuckle as she crossed her own arms.

"Good," she said. "Then… on your knees."

* * *

A few minutes later Lucina leaned back in her chair, her back arching a little as she let out a euphoric moan.

"Ahh, that feels good…" she mumbled, brushing the loose hair back from her face.

I sighed, kneeling at the base of the chair with her foot in my hand, kneading it with a sour look on my face. The simple fact that both of us were still wearing pants was enough to ruin my entire day…

"You misled me," I muttered darkly. "You used my libido against me. Fuck you. Fuck you and everyone that looks like you."

"Ahn, you, mmm, promised," Lucina panted. "And I was not… ah! Was not lying when I said… I had been under… uhn… stress lately… how did you get so good at this?"

"Practice," I grumbled. "I don't just stick it in, wiggle it around a little and then go home. I'm a conscientious lover, thank you. Do you even know what that word means? It means-"

"I know what it means… ahhhhh… and add that to the list of things I didn't care to hear," Lucina said, grinning down at me. "Although I must say I do like the look of you on your knees before me."

"Don't get used to it," I warned. "I'm not into playing the sub. You need to get better boots. I can practically feel the knots in your feet, and I didn't know you could even get knots in your feet."

Lucina laughed, placing one foot gently on the side of my face and prompting a vein to twitch in my forehead.

"Oh don't ruin this for me," she laughed. "You so often give me grief it is nice to- eeeek! Did you just bite me!?"

"Don't put your stanky-ass feet on my face, woman!" I shouted.

Lucina grunted, kicking me in the shoulder and forcing me onto my back. Then she got that manic grin again, the kind she only got when I was about to get my ass beat, as she stood over top of me. It had been a while since I'd seen Lucina's sadistic side, and quite honestly I could have gone longer without.

"You really are a dom, aren't you?" I asked.

Lucina responded by planting one foot squarely in the middle of my chest and squatting down on top of me, chuckling darkly as she smiled only inches above me, her hair falling and creating a small shadowy world around our faces that seemed to shut out everything else.

"I am not," she said, running the tip of her index finger along my jaw. "But for you I might make an exception…"

And then, before I could come up with a witty retort or punch her in the nerve cluster on the inside of the thigh so I could roll away like I'd been planning to, the door burst open and Sumia came rushing in. And Lissa followed her. And Owain, and Cynthia. God bless anime tropes, this was even better than I'd been planning. Deciding to take advantage of this moment I unclenched my fist, which had been primed to strike, and relaxed into the floor.

"Lucina are you okay!? We heard you scream and-"

"Dammit, Sumia, you cock-blocking bitch, get out!" I shouted before Lucina could say anything.

Sumia's jaw dropped and she froze, her eyes wide as dinner plates.

"No!" Lucina shrieked, jumping off me and blushing to her roots. "It… it's not what it looks like!"

"Oh, come on, you two haven't been fooling anyone," Lissa scoffed.

"Sis… just… ew…" Cynthia recoiled. "At least use a bed."

Owain just stared, transfixed, for a moment before spinning on his heel and marching woodenly out of the room, blushing to his ears.

"Come on, Sumia, let's leave these two be," Lissa laughed, grabbing her catatonic sister-in-law by the elbow and leading her and Cynthia out.

"You've got it all wrong!" Lucina wailed, following them out without even putting her boots back on.

I just lay there on the floor for a moment before I sat up with a huff.

"Guess I gotta do the paperwork on my own now," I mumbled, climbing to my feet. "Meh. Worth it. Don't fuck with the master, Princess. Merry fucking Christmas. Nagamas. Whatever."

* * *

Turns out it hadn't been worth it, because what would have taken Robin maybe twenty minutes ended up taking me three hours and a bottle of scotch. It had been one of the smaller bottles, but our booze supplies were beginning to run dangerously low. I had also missed dinner, and being that Basilio and Flavia were still shit-faced they had opted to carefully split my dinner between themselves. I mean that literally. Morgan told me later about how they both got down to the table's level and began to measure their portions exactly off my plate.

Not only had I missed dinner, I'd missed watching Basilio and Flavia make fools of themselves _while fucking cooperating for once_.

"This goddamn holiday is ruining my life," I muttered, staggering through the halls that evening, looking for either someone to beat up or something to eat.

"Oh gawds, are you drunk again!?"

And finding neither, apparently.

"Severa. Go away," I grunted, doing my best to ignore her.

"Well excuse me for living!" the volatile redhead snapped. "I bet you'd be happy to see my mother, wouldn't you!?"

"No, because she berates me for drinking too much, too!" I defended. "Only she does it quietly. It actually makes me feel guilty. Not the point. I'm tired, drunk, and hungry. Either feed me or go away."

"Well I was going to offer you these cookies, but now I don't know if I want to," Severa huffed. "Not because I was worried you didn't have dinner, though! I'm just not that hungry!"

"Severa you beautiful, angelic, amazing woman you," I said, finally looking up. "Marry… me?"

I blinked. Something was off. Something was different…

"You let your hair down?" I asked, quirking my head.

Severa clicked her tongue in annoyance, shoving a small, cute bag of cookies into my chest and blushing. For a moment I thought Cordelia had been doing an impression of her daughter again or something, but the Wing Commander didn't have the frown lines on her face. She looked good, though. The long hair framed her face in a way her mother's didn't, and it was actually far longer than Cordelia's, too, reaching almost down to her knees.

"Yeah, so what?" Severa snapped. "Shut up and take the damn cookies!"

"You sure you want me to shut up and not tell you how good you look with your hair down?" I asked, grinning.

Severa froze for a moment before blushing and doing the patented tsundere move of huffing, crossing her arms and looking away before she spoke. "I… I guess you could, if you wanted. No, I'm allowing you to compliment me, so you better be grateful! And do it right!"

"You look good, Sev," I said, stepping closer and popping a cookie into my mouth. "You make almost all other women look like crap by comparison, second only to Morgan, and I'm a little biased there. And your cookies aren't bad, either."

"You lose points for saying all that with your mouth full," she sighed. "But that was adequate."

"So how'd practice go?" I asked with a shrug.

"Fine, thanks," Severa snapped.

I quirked a brow, waiting. Severa just rolled her eyes, sighing. "It's… mother's so… nitpicky about everything! I make one little mistake and we have to stop and start again! Or those comments on my playing posture! How does she sit so perfectly straight!? I have to lean forward to see what I'm doing! I don't know how Brady's putting up with it! It's like, 'I'm sorry I had better things to do with my time in the future aside from play the damn lute, how careless of me'. I don't see Olivia giving Inigo such a hard time! They're having the time of their lives!"

"Wow, it sounds almost like your mother's a perfectionist," I said sarcastically when she was finished.

"You know what? Give me back those cookies," Severa growled.

"Fuck no," I laughed, popping another into my mouth. "She's just worried about everyone else enjoying their night. She's not being hard on you, she's being hard on herself and that's kinda spilling over. You want to make life easier? Bring her a cup of tea, sit with her and talk for a little while, chill her out. Best do it now before tomorrow's festivities, or she'll be a wreck. And enjoy Christmas morning with her, even if there's no presents."

"Do you mean 'Nagamas'?"

"Fuck the little differences between our cultures, you know what I meant."

Severa gave a thoughtful sound as she absently ran her hands through her hair, frowning and staring into space. I took the moment to lean back against the wall and pop another cookie into my mouth, grinning. They were simple cookies, the kind that one would have learned to make with limited resources in a dystopian future, but clearly she'd put a lot of effort into them. They were little Christmas tree shortbreads. Tasty.

"How do you know it'll work?" Severa finally asked, her voice small.

I barked out a laugh. "Are you kidding? Trust me, just do it. Aside from Sumia and your father no one knows your mother better! Fuck, I almost _was_ your father!"

Whoops, probably the wrong thing to say, but I was drunk…

To my surprise, however, I was not treated to one of Severa's patented Tsundere Meltdowns. Her lip quivered for a moment as she broke into a grin, then the walls came down and she burst into laughter so hard she had to put a hand on my shoulder to hold herself up.

"Oh, hey, wow, fuck you I'm taking these cookies back," I huffed.

"I'm sorry, I just can't see you… and mother…" Severa started, her words lost to her peals of laughter again as she turned to lean next to me against the wall, clearly too exhausted from laughing at me to stand on her own. "She's just so much… taller than you! And you sw-swear so much and she's so… so…"

Further peals of laughter exploded from the redhead as she almost collapsed in her laughter. It was rare, seeing her smile so unguarded like this. As far as I know Noire and Lucina were the only others that had seen this side of her. Her whole face lit up, totally different to her mother's. Cordelia was always smiling, always glowing, but Severa was like a firework, blazing bright and colorful before fading away back into her tsundere shell. Seeing her smile with her hair down, though? This was a unique moment. Like spotting a unicorn or the Loch Ness Monster. Or a unicorn riding the Loch Ness Monster to a Pantera reunion tour. I would burn this sight into my brain for the rest of my life.

"We've been friends for years," I countered, grinning a little myself. "If I hadn't gotten drunk and friend-zoned myself…"

"I'm glad you did, though," Severa said with a sidelong grin. "You make a better friend than a father."

"Oh, underhanded compliments now," I smirked. "There's the Severa we all know and love."

"Yeah, you'd better love me," Severa smirked. "I make the best damn cookies here."

"Morgan makes the best damn cookies here. You're a close second."

"You have an unfair bias, you just admitted it earlier," Severa huffed, crossing her arms and still grinning. "In any case, I'm going to go and find some tea and bring it to my mother before she worries herself to death. Seeing as you're so worried about it. I'm doing this for you, you got it!?"

"Yeah, yeah, go on, then," I yawned. "I'm worn out from dealing with all this holiday cheer all day anyway. Go spend quality family time or… whatev… er…"

I trailed off as Severa leaned up, planting a kiss on my cheek.

"Thank you, and Happy Nagamas," she said, looking away with a strong blush.

She then spun on her heel and stomped off down the hall towards the stairs to the kitchens, totally ignoring me. I made a thoughtful sound of my own, popping another of the quickly dwindling cookies into my mouth before bouncing off the wall and continuing on my way to my room.

"Wonder if they have mistletoe here?" I wondered aloud.

* * *

And so it was that Nagamas morning came, and Morgan dragged my sorry carcass out of bed at the crack of dawn, as was tradition. Apparently. We were spending Nagamas with Tharja, Robin, Noire and Daraen, my odd, messed up little family, while the various other familial groups did their own similar things.

We passed Virion, Cherche and Gerome on the way out of the room, all laughter and smiles and _holy fuck Gerome was smiling without his mask on was I still dreaming!?_

"C'mon, Dad, the others are waiting!" Morgan said, pulling me along as I froze.

Gerome glanced up at me, our eyes meeting for the briefest of moments, and flashed me a grin. Then we were out in the hallway, and I was left to wonder what foul sorcery this holiday concocted.

Because Morgan and Daraen had wanted to score some extra 'good boy and girl' points with their various parents we had relented the apartment and the kids, and with Lissa and Sumia's little gaggle's help had set up in one of the various random sitting rooms that were crammed into empty space during the palace's construction. She stopped in front of one door seemingly at random, a big green wreath hanging on it as if to say 'welcome to holidays hell', and she grinned that adorable little grin at me. The one that would make me light myself on fire if she asked. That one. C'mon, fathers know the face. I'm not the only one.

"Wait here a minute," she said, before disappearing inside and shutting the door in my face.

After a few moments of muted speaking on the other side the door opened again, a confused-looking Daraen being shoved out by three or four sets of hands before the door slammed closed again. It all happened so fast I couldn't count them. Judging from the look on the boy's face he had no idea what was going on, either. Gripped in his hands were a couple of classic Santa hats, and he shrugged, holding one out to me.

"Guess we're supposed to wear these?" he said, grinning a little.

"What fresh hell is going on behind that door?" I groaned, accepting the hat as Daraen pulled his on.

"No idea," he shrugged. "All we were supposed to be doing was decorating."

"I call bullshit."

"Call whatever you want, I don't know."

"Bullshit!"

"I don't!"

"Liar! You're banging my daughter, you gotta know something!"

"What!? Ew, that's gross! Morgan and I are just friends-"

"MY DAUGHTER IS ADORABLE YOU SON OF A BITCH YOU WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE HER!"

The ladies chose that exact point to open the door, coming face to face with me strangling the life out of Robin's son.

"Please don't kill my son on Nagamas," Robin laughed, prompting me to release him.

"You get a stay of execution, boy," I hissed dangerously as we both turned to the room.

Robin, Tharja, Morgan and Noire were all standing arrayed for us to see, and all in Christmasy, Nagamasy, festive outfits. Robin had found or made a replica of her coat in bright red trimmed with white fur, baubles hanging off it like she was a tree, and was wearing big thick red gloves. Morgan and Noire both wore more familiar Santa mini-dresses and Santa hats, the kind of get up you'd see in an anime Christmas episode. Judging from Morgan's more confident pose as Noire cowered behind her just a little the younger sister was far more comfortable with the outfits. Which just left Tharja, bunched up entirely under her cloak, the only red showing being the blush on her face.

"Surprise!" Morgan cheered, pulling us inside. "Since we couldn't get any presents because of the weather we decided, 'hey, we'll be the presents'! What do you think?"

I laughed, wrapping Morgan and Noire in one arm each, planting a kiss on both of their foreheads. "I think you both look great. Nice coat, Robin. What, too shy for the dress?"

"I think it looks great, mother!" Daraen said excitedly, focusing on her and doing his best to hide the blush he was getting from seeing Morgan and Noire's exposed legs and cleavage.

"We had time while I was out for the last week," Robin laughed, patting her son's head. "The girls made the outfits in my room to keep me company."

"Aw, you're such sweeties," I cooed, giving both another kiss and earning an embarrassed giggle from Morgan as Noire desperately tried to hide her satisfied grin.

"What about you, Tharja?" I asked, looking up. "Not getting into the festive spirit? Hell, even I'm wearing the stupid hat."

"Hey, I made that hat!" Morgan pouted.

"Hell, even I'm wearing the amazing hat," I corrected myself.

"Come on, Tharja, we all did it," Robin urged. "And you're the one that decided on the outfit, not us."

"This is beyond mortifying…" she muttered, turning her back on us and rummaging around beneath her cloak.

Morgan and I had to suppress our laughter, because Tharja had pinned a piece of paper with the word 'mortification' written on it in big, thick letters to the back of her cloak. Daraen quirked his head questioningly as Noire let out a small sigh. Robin, though, looked strangely excited right now, and…

Tharja leaned forward, putting a pair of little toy antlers on her head before spinning back to us with a big cheery smile on her face, arms spread wide to showcase her Christmas outfit. Or rather, lack-there-of. It was closer to a Christmas bikini, a decorated bright red bikini with little strips of white fur.

My jaw dropped, and Daraen let out a little over-stimulated squeak. Or that could have been me. The kid could have passed out for all I knew, because I was utterly entranced. I don't think I need to remind you all that Tharja was one of the most beautiful women in the Shepherds, and her body was absolutely perfect. Not toned like the fighters, but soft and supple, and dear sweet lord this bikini covered none of it.

Of course the spell was broken when she started to speak…

"Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!" she laughed, smiling and spinning. "What a lovely holiday! What marvelous decorations and splendid costumes! We should be thankful for everyone being here together on such an important day!"

My jaw dropped again. Goddamn 'normal mode' Tharja had made her return.

"Why, tis such an important day I made breakfast for all of us!" she went on. "With the help of my darling little girl! Right Noire-y-poo? Little Morgan even helped!"

"Oh dear sweet Naga please strike me dead where I stand," Noire muttered, closing her eyes.

"This is the greatest day of my life," Morgan whispered, a huge smile on her face.

"What…" was all a flabbergasted Daraen managed before Tharja moved on.

"And Robin, I just adore your coat! What a merry sound it must make!" Tharja continued, sashaying over to the tactician and giving the coat a little shake so that the bells and baubles hanging off of it jingled. Robin stood, clenching her fists and biting her lip as she desperately tried not to laugh.

Of course this proved to be too much for Robin, and she stepped back from Tharja, doubling over as she burst out laughing. Noire and Morgan let out a collective sigh, politely averting their eyes. Daraen just stood, slack-jawed and staring at the alabaster skin showing between the- dammit Ben, focus!

"Tharja," I called.

She spun to me, her big sunny smile lighting up her face. Except her eyes seemed almost desperate, just like last time. "Why yes, Ben, my dear-"

"I want you to hex Robin so she stops laughing."

This made her freeze, Robin barely glancing up before exploding into fresh peals of laughter. Tharja fidgeted a moment before smiling again.

"I… I fear I have no idea what you're talking-"

"Tharja, it's Christmas-"

"Nagamas," Morgan interjected.

"Oh fuck off," I snapped to a victorious chuckle. "Tharja. It's Nagamas, and this is my present for you. For the next twenty-four hours all bets are off. As my Nagamas gift to you I'm repealing my ban on hexing any of the Shepherds, but only if you go back to 'Classic Tharja' right damn now. And no death hexes."

Her face fell for a moment before slowly lighting up in a very genuine, very terrifying smile. "I'll go get my tools!"

And with that she was gone, racing back towards our apartment in a flash of creamy skin, bright red bikini and black cloak.

"Merry Christmas, Virion," I muttered, grinning as I imagined the archer's reaction to seeing so much of Tharja. And then Gerome's reaction. And then Cherche's reaction as she fed both of them to Minerva.

"Okay, ladies and dingus, I prepared for this eventuality," I said, reaching into my pocket and pulling out a handful of talismans. "These are consecrated coins from the Church of Naga. Anti-hex wards. She can hex everyone else to her heart's content, but for fuck's sake Robin, stop laughing."

She just proceeded to laugh harder, falling onto her back and rolling around on the floor. I let out a sigh, waiting for Robin to stop laughing as the three kids just kind of sitting there, but before that could happen…

"WHAT IN NAGA'S NAME ARE YOU WEARING!?"

There was a moment of silence, even Robin stopping as we all exchanged glances.

"Was that… Virion?" Morgan asked.

"Hope you kids didn't like Uncle Virion," I said with a grin.

"Oh," Robin snickered. "Oh you evil… evil man you…"

Virion shouted something unintelligible, followed by Gerome's deep voice shouting as well. Then there were racing footsteps and screaming as the two men ran down the hallway.

"I did nothing wrong! How was I supposed to know she would come into the room!?"

"Mother! Put down the axe! Mother, please!"

"Dearest you would look much better than her in that outfit! I swear! Stop, that one almost ruined my hair!"

"Father you are not helping!"

The only response to their pleas was bone-chilling laughter, the likes of which I'd only heard from Cherche once or twice before. Once was when Virion spilled wine on her wedding dress. The other was… well, I think that time Virion had suggested a three-way.

Eventually the screaming grew distant, leaving us standing in silence watching the door.

"Well, damn. I wish I had've planned that," I sighed. "Oh well, happy coincidences. Didn't Tharja say something about breakfast? All this commotion's made me hungry. Ooh, pancakes."

* * *

So, after an eventful Nagamas morning and a light lunch came time for the festivities.

Owing to the fact that they had not been able to hold the big fancy ball, Chrom and Sumia had turned our low-key party into a full-blown dinner and drinks affair. Which, in my experience, is never a good idea. Because there's food in peoples' stomachs to puke up when they're drunk, and given the way these idiots drink it wouldn't be long. But my warnings went unheeded, and we were all sat down at the giant banquet table, piled high with foods. Turkey, roast ham, smaller birds like chickens and pheasants, various salads (I was eyeballing the potato salad, Chrom's chef made a mean potato salad) and enough wine and ale to drown a fish. But probably still wasn't enough to make Flavia and Basilio pass out.

"What are those two made out of…?" I asked, marveling at their constitutions.

As the room watched they grabbed a pitcher of wine each and upended them, seeing who could drink their pitcher first. Flavia won, but only by seconds. Basilio's punishment for losing was to drink a second pitcher and I was starting to feel drunk just watching them. For his part, Vaike let out a weak little moan and ducked his head under the table. Judging from the way Miriel jumped a little he had hidden in her robes.

"I think it's good for them to let loose like this," Chrom grinned. "They don't get the chance often. Besides, keeping them drunk is better than rebuilding my palace."

He then turned a frosty glare on me from the corner of his eye. "However I suppose I should caution about letting _too _loose that people forget about propriety."

"She came on to me, and I swear if you start hitting on Morgan I'll beat you to death with your wife," I warned.

"Boys, it's meant to be a festive party," Sumia huffed from between us. "Play nice. Dear, Lucina is an adult and is free to make her own mistakes. Ben, I… uh… behave."

"Yes, dear…"

"Hey, I'm not a goddamn mistake-"

"Ben…"

"I'd be the best damn son-in-law you could ever-"

"_Behave._"

"Yes, Sumia…"

Across the table Lucina glared at me with a blush, pointedly jamming her knife into the tabletop. To my great amusement, Chrom and Sumia ignored this.

Dinner was basically the circus I was expecting it to be. Clearly Sumia had been expecting it, too, because we were eating off the dishes that the servants would have used. Which was a good thing, because as soon as they were done eating Flavia, Basilio, Gregor and Lon'qu automatically picked up their plates and smashed them in the fireplace. This didn't go over well with Lissa, who tore into her husband Lon'qu like he had the turkey leg he'd eaten earlier.

It was nice, having everyone together like this, though. Well, okay, it was bedlam, but bedlam like a good Christmas gathering should be. Thoroughly satisfied that I'd gotten what I wanted I leaned back in my chair, looking for a mop of white hair along the table.

"Yo, Henry!" I called.

The mage in question leaned back in his own chair, a manic smile on his face as he fiddled with some of the bones from the nearest chicken carcass.

"Yes'm?" he asked.

"You can call off the storm now," I told him.

The Dark Mage let out a cackle, rocking back and forth before frowning. "But nobody's died yet!"

"What, the sheer level of human suffering not good enough for you?" I smirked.

"I suppose," he sighed. "Alright, I'll cancel the weather curse. But you still owe me!"

"Yeah, yeah," I waved dismissively, turning back to the table.

Only to find it had gone silent, and everyone was looking at me with astonishment in their eyes.

"What?" I asked.

"Did… did you… orchestrate the blizzard?" Sumia asked haltingly.

"Yes?" I said, quirking my head. "Why?"

"Unbelievable…" Lucina groaned, hiding her face in her hand.

"You really… why!?" Chrom asked in his shock.

"I don't like the other nobles," I shrugged. "Besides, isn't it more fun if it's just us?"

"Hell yeah it is!" Sully shouted, hefting an overflowing tankard.

"Yeah, sorry Chrom but your Court is boring as watching grass grow," Flavia slurred, grinning as she leaned on Basilio's shoulder.

"Ylissean grass," the other Khan agreed with a sagely nod. "Which grows a lot slower than Feroxi grass."

"While I appreciate your reasoning I do not approve of you hexing my nation," Chrom sighed.

"Ah, cursing," I corrected. "Hexes only affect people or things. Henry used a curse. I had to promise he could have my body after I died to get him to do it, too. Just so we could spend the holidays as one big, dysfunctional family."

"Don't lie, you already said you didn't like the nobility," Lucina snapped.

"Oh, that was just the frosting," I grinned. "What, didn't you enjoy spending time with your family for Nagamas, Princess?"

I jumped a little as Chrom stabbed his own knife into the table beside me, chuckling nervously. "Speaking of families, I think I'm going to go spend time with mine. Over there. Thanks for the food!"

Maybe I had pushed a little too hard this time…

And with that I beat a hasty retreat, wondering why they were so pissed off. I mean, all they did was bitch and moan about the nobility, you'd think they would thank me for that, but no apparently I get to be the bad guy.

As conversation picked up again and dinner wound down Cordelia rose before we could all spread out too much, looking far calmer than she had for the last few days, and clapped her hands. "And now, for tonight's entertainment!"

The group gave a raucous cheer as the performers rose and made for the pile of instruments in the corner, Inigo and Olivia disappearing as the musicians began to tune their instruments. A few minutes later they returned, both wearing fun, Christmassy versions of their usual performing clothes. We all watched raptly for quite some time, even Basilio and Flavia settling down to enjoy the show, and before we knew it nearly an hour had gone by. Panting and covered with a thin sheen of perspiration Olivia stepped forward with a knowing grin.

"And now, for a surprise! Girls?"

We all turned to mutter amongst ourselves until Morgan and Noire rose, sheepishly taking to the stage in their Christmas dresses. A cheer went up from the Shepherds, and Morgan gave me a little wink and a wave as Noire tried to erase her presence from existence.

"Dad always used to sing for us on Nagamas, so… We're gonna sing!" she announced cheerily.

The roar of approval from such a small group was awe inspiring, and only died down when Cordelia, Severa and Brady began to play. Then I watched as Morgan and Noire regaled us with Christmas songs. And I don't mean Nagamas songs, I mean honest-to-god Christmas songs, from my own world. _Silent Night, White Christmas, Jingle Bells, All I Want for Christmas_… all songs I had apparently taught them. I sniffled at some point, not even aware I was tearing up, and Robin reached over and clapped a hand on my shoulder.

As the girls sang the last words of _Joy to the World_ and the musician trio played their last notes, the crowd practically exploded, Morgan and Noire both blushing at the attention and grinning furiously.

"So, we had to teach them these songs!" Morgan called out, getting everyone's attention again, "But there's one more that Dad didn't know we'd heard him sing!"

"I'm not singing it," Noire stated plainly.

"Dad, you come and sing it!" Morgan called out.

I froze up. It was a well-known fact that I couldn't sing at all. In the slightest. In fact, I was amazed either of the girls could sing. They must have gotten it from their mothers. But what song could I possibly…

"He looks a little shy, why don't we get started and maybe he can join in?" Morgan laughed.

Then, to further cheering, a very familiar tune started to come from Cordelia, Severa and Brady. A tune that made me wonder how Morgan had managed to convince them to play this one. I rolled my eyes, grinning a little as I went over the lyrics in my head and took to the impromptu little stage.

"You two are helping out with the chorus," I said, leaning down to Morgan and Noire before turning back to the audience.

And for the first time in a hella long time, I started to sing.

"_There ain't nothing more depressing than a pine tree_

_Gussied up candy canes and balls_

_Those carolers have kept me up for hours_

_It's Merry Christmas seeping through my walls_

_Now I'm no Wiccan commie nut or nothing_

_But there's one damn holiday that I can't stand_

_It ain't Halloween or Thanksgiving or even April Fools_

_But it'll surely make a fool out of every man_

_HA!_

_So if I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas_

_You know where to stick those jingle bells_

_If I ain't hammered it ain't Hanukkah_

_Fa la la la la go fuck yourself!_

_If I ain't cockeyed it ain't Kwanzaa_

_Joy to the world of getting stoned_

_If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas_

_So leave this god damn scrooge the fuck alone_

_HA!_

_MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!"_

* * *

**AN2019: Originally done in December 2017 or something, I don't remember. I don't really remember why I wrote this, either. Boredom? Boredom. Let's go with that. **


	4. Metallover's Self Insert Valentine

**Metallover's Self Insert Valentine**

Ah, Valentine's Day.

As a younger man it was a day consistently up there in my most hated days, along with any athletic event during school and the day before pay day. I know it may be hard to believe this, but I was for a very long time a member of the 'forever alone' crowd. I hated Valentine's Day because no one ever gave me any chocolates or flowers or cards, not even of the pity variety. I know, I know, 'what a salty fuck, go have a cry' right?

But Valentine's always had a little saving grace that the school athletic events didn't until I got a car and could simply skip those days. The day before payday still sucks, though. But I digress.

Valentine's Day also has the distinction of being my baby brother's birthday.

So rather than focus on the fact that I was an ugly fucking chode in high school that no women so much as glanced at, I could focus on the pizza and the cake that would be waiting for me at home. I mean, for my brother, but I got the periphery so there was still pizza and cake.

Heh. Damn near thirty and the thought of pizza and cake is still one of the most exciting things there is…

However, after a number of years in Ylisse I had all but forgotten about my own birthday, let alone my brother's. We had been busy. Busy fighting wars or building a kingdom or, in my own case, reforming the army into something that worked. But once that was done, once Grima was gone and we were all left sitting there wondering 'what now' I was confronted again by Valentine's Day, and my brother's birthday.

And the fact that I was a very, very long way away from home.

I always found it funny that Ylisse had so many coinciding holidays to match our own. Nagamas to replace Christmas, Grima's Fall to replace the Easter long weekend (which was pretty much the same thing, the Ylisseans just celebrated the death of Grima over one glorious four-day-weekend of drinking and feasting), and the newest addition: Saint Emmeryn's Day.

Yup. At some point while I hadn't been paying attention Emmeryn had been canonized and given her own day of celebration. February fourteenth. A day to celebrate the loving and caring side of the Ylissean saint. By giving flowers and chocolates to your loved ones or people you love, forgiving your enemies and living in harmony with the world for one beautiful day.

I figured if I was going to be remembered for a day it may as well be something like this. Or Saint Patrick's Day. I'd prefer a 'Ben Day' to be like Saint Patty's. Drink til you puke then drink some more.

Again, though, I digress. Saint Emmeryn's Day, the Ylissean stand-in for Valentine's, was just around the corner, which was how I found myself in the worst kind of harem-anime hell I could ever imagine…

* * *

For the last week leading up to the day the ladies around me had been acting weird. Despite the fact we had the full roster, including a bunch of the spot pas characters just to confuse me and stress me way the fuck out during recruitment missions, a lot of the Shepherds were still single. And the child characters were being hella-tight-lipped about who their parents were. I mean, I knew who everyone's mothers were, but there was a lot of 'I'm not telling you who my dad is' going on. So on days like Emmeryn's Day I liked to sit back and watch for signs of blossoming romance.

Or I had, before we'd beaten the main story and I had nothing to do _except _watch for signs of blossoming romance day in and day out.

However, Emmeryn's Day also fell on the fourteenth here in Ylisse, too, which meant my brother's birthday. I missed my brother. I'll admit that. The fact that I was still here in Ylisse while he was back home or god knows where made me a little sad.

So, like any good idiot would, I drank myself into a stupor the previous evening to get myself over the hump and into today. I had planned to spend the entire day blasted, but as I cracked open my eyes and beheld the clutch of bottles on my bedside table, all full of amber liquid and waiting patiently for me, I let out a piteous groan and rolled back over in bed.

The fourteenth just so conveniently fell on a Sunday this year, so all my hung-over brain was telling me was 'go the fuck back to sleep', advice I wholly planned on following.

Until I heard the sound of my door creaking open.

Which was amplified by the pounding in my head, eliciting another small groan from me as I curled up into the fetal position.

As always, my maid Elle had terrible timing…

As I curled up tighter and wished I could just die I felt a warm hand resting atop my head, someone giving a small chuckle at my suffering before my blankets were lifted and a very small form crawled into bed behind me.

"Nowi…" I groaned the name like a curse.

"Good morning," the deceptively little manakete whispered, her husky voice and wandering hands leaving no doubt to what she was here for.

"Nowi, I am hungover and dying," I practically sobbed.

"A little… exercise will make you feel better," she promised.

"Just the word is making me want to puke," I warned her.

With a sigh I rolled, my eyes just barely open to slits so that I wouldn't have to behold the cheery Spring morning sunlight that streamed through the windows. No doubt Elle had thought she was being helpful by opening them for me… Nowi scooted back, her lime colored hair already a mess atop the cheeky grin she wore. A grin that made her look even younger; despite the fact she was a very 'experienced' thousand-year-old dragon she still looked like someone that had just hit puberty.

And she was currently in my bed wearing what looked to be nothing but a pair of bright red ribbons wrapped around her chest and hips and that cheeky little smile.

"Oh Nowi what the fuck," I groaned, falling back onto my pillow.

"Today's a special day!" she chirped, bouncing a little. "The others told me that today is a day we're supposed to give gifts like chocolate and flowers and stuff to the people we love!"

"So why are you dressed like that, then?" I almost didn't ask.

Nowi gave an adorable little huff, crossing her arms over her almost-non-existent bust and pouting.

"Because they didn't tell me until last night! So I had to improvise!" she explained, jumping up on the bed. "I'm your present! Be gentle when you unwrap me…"

She said the last part in a sultry tone, giving a little wink for emphasis. I looked at her, gobsmacked for a moment before I decided 'nope' and rolled over, taking the blankets with me. And, by lieu of the fact she was standing atop said blankets, sending Nowi tumbling off the bed to the floor.

"Ow! Hey, that was mean you big jerk!" Nowi shouted, each word like a hammer-blow to my head.

"Leave me alone and let me die in peace!" I snapped back, holding my head. "No means no! I do not consent! I do not consent!"

With a growl Nowi climbed back on top of me, straddling me with both hands on my shoulder. Before she could do whatever it was she was planning, though, I rolled again, flipping the blanket up over top of her. Then, because I was in a bad mood, I grabbed the corners of the blanket and tied them all together while she was still flailing around trying to right herself. My work done, I left a very irritated manakete on my bed wrapped up in my blanket as I grabbed a shirt and beat a hasty retreat.

If she transformed to get out of the blankets I wanted to be a long, long way away…

I closed the door behind me, cutting off Nowi's muffled cries of protest, and leaned back against it with a sigh. Morgan and Noire were both waiting in the common room of the barracks that we all shared, both girls perking up as I spotted them.

"Good morning, dad!" Morgan cheered, jumping to her feet.

"Argh, not so loud I'm dyin' here!" I groaned, sinking down the door a little.

"Oop! Sorry!" Morgan laughed. "But today's special, so we wanted to be the first ones to-"

Whatever else she was about to say was lost in the loud roar and crash from inside my room, and I leapt off the door like it was on fire. Which, given Now's tendency towards property damage when she transforms, it very well could have been.

"Hold that thought, honey," I said, already running from the room.

And leaving my two very confused daughters to deal with an almost-naked and very upset Nowi coming out of my wrecked room in frustrated tears.

* * *

I shivered, rubbing some warmth back into my arms as I stalked the corridors of the Palace looking for some breakfast. I had neglected to grab a jacket in my haste to escape from Nowi, and had been forced to walk through town in naught but my shirt. Which was cold, considering it was still mid-Spring. It wasn't snowing any more, but it did get a wee bit nippy, and my high-beams were in danger of putting someone's eye out.

Before I did anything else I snuck into the Royal Guards' barracks at the front of the palace and stole the first jacket I spotted, pulling it on before sauntering back out into the great hall. The jacket was a little tight across the shoulders, but with shoulders like mine that's pretty common.

It was still early, with a mess of maids and butlers running around getting the place ready for the day. A number of the immaculately presented Royal Guard, wearing the same dress uniform jacket that I was no less, were stationed at various points along the hall. They stared straight ahead, their ceremonial halberds and shields held at perfect angles. Think the Buckingham Palace guards, but wearing blue and without the stupid hats.

A few of the older Guards gave me little conspiratorial smirks, one even brave enough to offer a wink. This wasn't the first time I'd snagged one of their jackets, and a few had taken to keeping a spare on hand just in case.

I gave a yawn, not even bothering to cover my face with my hand as I strode boldly up the hall. I figured I'd take the official hallways up to the Royal Apartments. It was a little longer than taking the servant corridors, but at this time of the morning they'd be packed and I didn't feel like playing 'dodge the maid'.

"Oi! You! What do you think you're doing!?"

I kept walking, smirking at the thought of some poor young maid getting chewed out. Because I'm a bastard like that. But I was stopped by a firm grip on my shoulder and spun around to come face to face with an older woman I'd never met before. Usually Laseta, the Royal Head Maid who had now served three generations of Chrom's family, would be the one running the show.

This lady was new.

At first I thought I could have a little fun with this. Until she slapped me across the face.

"You stop when I speak to you!" she shrieked in my face. "Look at you! You are one of Exalt Chrom's Royal Guard, and you look atrocious! You haven't shaved, and your jacket is open and… gods above, do I smell whiskey!? How dare you besmirch your post as such!?"

By now my eyebrow was about halfway up my forehead, and a few of the actual Royal Guard had begun to snicker. All of the maids and butlers had stopped work, too, some watching in fascinated horror while a few of the younger ones looked on with barely contained mirth.

"You have no idea who I am, do you?" I asked calmly.

"I don't care if you're Lord Exalt Roland risen from the grave! Go get yourself cleaned up before I give you a flogging to wipe that smirk off your face!" she snarled, spittle flying into my face.

"Okay, I think a little demonstration is in order…"

With an overly-dramatic sigh I lifted my hand above my head, the one with the ring that Chrom had given me to mark me as his retainer, and clicked my fingers twice. It was about the point that I pointed down at the woman that she spotted the ring and went pale. When the two Royal Guard appeared at her sides, each grabbing an arm, her jaw dropped.

"See to it she cleans every privy and chamber pot in the palace," I instructed the two guards. "Start at the top, work your way down. The only one who supersedes this order is Chrom. Comprende?"

"Right away, Lord General, Sir," one of them answered, struggling to keep a straight face.

I ignored her sputtering apologies as she was dragged away, turning instead to the crowd of cheering maids and butlers. The Royal Guards, to a man, were doubled over with laughter. I grinned myself for a moment, feeling a whole lot better now, before coming to a parade rest stance.

"Right, you lot know your jobs! Get it done!" I said in my 'general voice' before singling out one of the maids. "You. Come here."

She scurried up to me as the rest of the staff resumed their duties, bright sunny smiles on their faces, and dropped a perfect curtsey. She was maybe thirty, her plain face unassuming and her long brown hair pinned up beneath her bonnet.

"Milord?"

"What's your name?"

"Brooke, milord."

"Where's Laseta, Brooke?"

"She's taken ill, milord," Brooke answered quickly. "It's why Lady Felicity was brought in from the Exalt's Summer Home on the Southern Coast."

"She important?" I asked.

"No, milord," Broke answered, leaning in with a conspiratorial whisper. "In fact, she's been getting in our way all week. Couldn't do nothing right by her. Thanks for setting her straight."

"I do so love putting assholes in their place," I smirked. "What about Laseta? Has anyone seen to her?"

"Wouldn't let no one, sir," Brooke said with a worried sigh. "She's been bedridden for days now…"

"Okay then. What were you doing out here?" I asked, digging around my pockets.

"I was dusting the sconces, sir."

"Fuck it, not important," I said, pulling out a gold coin from my pocket. "Take this to Tharja's Workshop on the outskirts of the Merchant Quarter. Tell her Ben wants a potion to cure a cold, don't leave 'til it's done. On your way back I want you to buy enough pastries for all the servants. Y'all do good work, happy Emmeryn's Day. Now hop to it!"

"Yes, milord!" Brooke said, snatching the coin, dropping another curtsey and darting off.

I stood for a moment, watching her go. I'd just handed over quite a lot of money, but still I hoped it would be enough to get pastries for everyone… Chrom had a lot of servants.

"Look at you, ya softie! Being all nice to the help like that. Didn't think you were that kinda guy!"

I turned, glancing over my shoulder at a perfectly presented form of knightly virtue. Uniform pressed and practically shining it was so clean, armor polished to a mirror-sheen, medals and awards hanging off the breastplate… and all of it had been done by Sully's husband Frederick.

"Sup, Sully?" I asked.

"That's 'Knight Commander Sully' in front of the boys," the red-haired woman smirked, coming down the stairs to the upper floor. "And didn't my hubby tell you to stop stealing jackets from the Guards?"

After the Second Fall of Grima Frederick had surprised everyone by retiring, deciding to devote his time entirely to serving and guarding the royal family. He'd never admit it, but I was pretty sure Frederick had retired just to keep me away from little Lucina. Sully had been chosen as his replacement as Knight Commander, and despite some of the nobility muttering 'favoritism' she had excelled at the role. Even the clerical side of it, which was surprising to me.

"It was cold," I shrugged. "You're looking good today, by the way."

"Flatterer," she snorted, giving me a playful shove. Which, coming from Sully, almost threw me off my feet. "It's Saint Emmeryn's Day. Gotta look good for the Lady, ya know?"

"Clearly not," I scoffed, indicating my shabby appearance.

"Fredrick's putting on breakfast upstairs," Sully told me. "I gotta make sure that the Knights don't skip their morning training, so I'll see you later. But first, here."

She shoved a small parcel into my hands, something wrapped in a delicate little red handkerchief.

"It's some chocolate cookies," Sully explained awkwardly, blushing a little. "To say thanks. For… stuff. Like helping us out. You're welcome! I'm going now! And make sure you put that jacket back!"

"Aw, that was almost feminine of you, Sully!" I called after her.

My only response was a rude hand gesture which had only caught on thanks to my particular influence, the middle finger, over her armored shoulder. I laughed and shook my head, carefully unwrapping the cookies as I started up the stairs. There was only a few so they didn't last long, but they were good. Frederick had probably made them, but it was the thought that counted.

* * *

I came into the Exalt's Private Dining Room to the sight from a nightmare. An armless, life-size statue of Chrom, made entirely from chocolate sitting in the middle of the table. And it was well-done. Almost like looking at the man himself dipped in chocolate and dear lord there was a mental image I didn't need… think of Sumia dipped in chocolate instead _think of Sumia dipped in chocolate instead…_

Let me elaborate: a _naked_ life-sized statue of Chrom.

"God I hope for Sumia's sake that's not anatomically correct," I muttered, glancing at the chocolate sculpture's crotch.

Frederick glanced up at the sound of my voice, dark rings around his eyes leaving no doubt to who had been up all night making this monstrosity. Over his usual beige suit he wore a brown-smeared apron, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows.

"Ben. Good morning," the knight-butler greeted, eyes narrowing. "Didn't I tell you to-"

"Stop stealing from the Royal Guards, yeah, yeah, Sully already beat you to that spiel," I waved him off. "So what's with the… uh… art?"

The big knight's entire countenance changed at the question, Frederick practically swelling with pride as he rose to his full height.

"I created this to show Exalt Chrom the depths of my appreciation," he explained, coming as close as I'd ever seen him to smiling. "It took nearly a week. But I finished in time this morning."

"That is so fucked up," I muttered to myself.

"Ah, I have some finishing touches to add," Frederick went on. "Would you be so kind as to fetch milord for breakfast?"

"Yeah, I'm his retainer, same as you," I said, waving the ring in front of him. "I don't do bitch-work."

"Yet you wear the clothes of a servant of House Ylisse?" Frederick pointed out.

"Fine," I groaned. "But only because I want breakfast out of this deal, too."

"Very well, I shall set you a seat," Frederick relented.

"Preferably not one facing Chrom's ass or junk," I added as I walked to the door.

Frederick made a noncommittal grunt, which I decided to take as an affirmative. I slipped out of the dining room and almost immediately ran into Chrom. He had a look of great shame on his face. Clearly, someone had already peeked at Frederick's gift.

"Breakfast is in the parlor," he whispered immediately. "Sumia's already there with Lucina and Lucy. I couldn't let the girls see that… uh… that. I won't say a damned word if you don't."

I fought as hard as I could to keep a straight face, patting the man on the shoulder and leaving him to suffer. As I left Chrom gave a deep sigh, clearly agonizing over how to accept Frederick's creepy-ass gift while simultaneously making sure it didn't happen again.

The parlor was pretty much just a sitting room, and when I got there Sumia and both Lucinas were already tucking into their breakfast. Lon'qu was there, too, nursing a cup of strong-smelling Feroxi tea on the opposite side of the room as the women, and offered me a terse nod in greeting.

"Ben!" the younger version of Lucina cried, setting down her cutlery and running over to me.

She hit my legs with the strength of a freight train, leaving no question to who her father was. Although I'd been punched by the time-travelling version of her, currently sighing and glaring at me, so I knew just how strong she was going to get, too...

"Heya, kiddo," I laughed, patting her on the head. "Nice to see you, but don't let Frederick see you doing that. Mind your manners."

"I know," the little girl groaned, spinning on her heel. "Sorry, mother. Sorry, big sis. I should have excused myself."

"Atta girl," I smiled, nudging her back towards the table with my foot.

"Do not kick me," the older Lucina warned, eyes narrowing.

"Good morning, Ben," Sumia said, clearly trying not to laugh. "I take it you came in through the dining room?"

"Honey, I hope that statue is not anatomically correct," I laughed.

"It's not," Sumia laughed.

"What statue?" Lucina asked.

"I wanna be a statue!" Lucy added, climbing back up on her chair.

"Not like that you don't," I muttered out of the corner of my mouth, catching Lucina's eye and grinning. "I'll explain later."

"Where's big sis Morgan and big sis Noire?" Lucy asked, resuming her breakfast.

"Slaying dragons at the barracks," I said, pulling up a seat. "Well, okay, they're just placating Nowi, but… it's kinda the same thing."

"What did you do now?" Lucina sighed.

"It's more of… what I didn't do," I said with an overt waggling of my eyebrows.

Lucina made a disgusted sound as Sumia sighed and shook her head. Lucy just quirked her head, looking from adult to adult.

"I don't get it," she said.

"I wouldn't play with her because I feel sick," I explained.

"You play with Nowi in the mornings? I wanna play, too!" Lucy pouted.

I snorted, barely containing my laughter at the glare that Lucina gave me.

"Uh, Lon'qu!" Sumia said quickly, changing the subject. "Where's Lissa this morning?"

"Sleeping," the stoic swordsman answered simply.

"Well, why don't we go get her?" Sumia suggested.

"I got it," I said, getting back up. "Have food ready for me when I get back."

Before anyone could protest I stepped back out of the parlor, resting my back against the wall as soon as I was out of sight of the door. I let out a long, low sigh as I let my head droop, closing my eyes. I don't really know why seeing such a scene of familial bliss was bugging me so much that day. I'd gotten through my brother's birthday a bunch of times with no problems since coming to Ylisse, but this time, for some reason…

I rallied, slapping my cheeks and trying to force myself back into the slightly less moody place I usually kept my personality as I bounced my back off the wall and set off for Lissa and Lon'qu's rooms. One didn't spend as much time as me mooching off the Royal Family without learning where all their rooms were, and within barely a few minutes I was standing out front of my destination marveling once again just how goddamn big the palace was. I gave three sharp knocks on the door before calling out.

"Yo, squirt, you alive in there?"

An evil grin spread to my face as I heard the indignant huff even through the thick wooden door. Lissa threw the door open, wearing only her nightgown and an open yukata Say'ri had gifted her during one of many 'cultural exchanges', glaring up at me.

"Yes, and I swear to Naga if you just woke up Owain…" she hissed in a low voice.

"Okay, okay," I whispered placatingly. "The others are just curious about what's taking so long."

Lissa gave a haggard sigh, running a hand through her messy golden hair. "He was up all night with a cold. I just got him to sleep. You can wait inside if you want, we're letting the heat out and I'll only be a few more minutes."

I nodded, silently accepting the invitation and stepping into the room. It was surprisingly warm inside, and I found myself almost immediately fluttering my appropriated jacket to cool off. Lissa wasted no time, already across the room now wearing naught but her silken nightgown, the yukata thrown haphazardly across the back of the closest chair.

"Nice to see you're comfortable around me," I muttered, quirking a brow.

"Oh! Wait right there, I have something for you," she called back in a low voice, clearly wary of waking baby-Owain.

I rolled my eyes, wandering slowly through the small common room and glancing at the detritus of life strewn about. Despite knowing where they were I made it a point to not spend too much time in the Royal Family's rooms, after all. There was a sharpening and maintenance kit for bladed weapons spread out on the coffee table, clearly Lon'qu's, and a number of letters from Regna Ferox were piled up around the edges. Lon'qu was the closest thing that Ylisse had to a Feroxi ambassador, so he'd gotten stuck dealing with the foreign correspondence.

Lissa reappeared, still only wearing her nightgown, carrying a bundle wrapped up in red paper.

"Okay, before this goes any further send someone to talk to the maid Brooke. She's gone to Tharja's to get a potion to help with the cold for Laseta, I'm sure there'll be enough for Owain, too," I sighed.

"Really? Wow, thanks!" Lissa sighed. "That will really help. I've been meaning to go see Tharja myself, but Lon and I have been too busy…"

"Great. Now what's this?" I sighed. "Let me guess…"

"Yup! Chocolate!" Lissa beamed. "Frederick had a heap left over, so I made this for you."

"Ah, so you know about Frederick's 'art', then?" I smirked.

"Are you kidding? I'm the one that gave him the idea," Lissa grinned cruelly.

"Damn. Once again you've outdone yourself, Princess," I grinned. "I'm actually impressed. Take a bow."

With that damn cheeky grin she stepped back, flourishing her hand before placing it over her stomach and giving a little bow. However, she trembled a little, wavering before falling forward into my chest with a little thud. I automatically caught her, arms wrapping around slim shoulders as Lissa gave a weak chuckle.

"Uh… sorry, guess I'm a little more tired than I thought," she muttered. "I'm a little dizzy…"

"No problem, we'll just get you onto a chair or something so you can rest," I told her, glancing around the room for the nearest chair.

As I was looking around, holding the Princess of Ylisse, Chrom's baby sister, in my arms, I noticed a draft of cool air behind me.

"Oh, hiya Lucy, Lon! Shhhhhh… Owain's sleeping!" Lissa whispered with a delirious giggle.

My eyes went wide as panic set in. Lucina and Lon'qu were behind me. My arms were occupied holding Lissa up. A Lissa who was currently very scantily dressed by the lovely medieval Ylissean standards. Who also had her boobs pressed up against my chest, I finally realized.

Hurried, angry footsteps came marching over.

With a tired sigh of my own I resigned myself to the beating that was to come.

"Guys, I doubt you'll listen to me when I say that it's not what it looks like, but could you maybe lay off the head today? I'm kinda real hungover."

* * *

A weak groan escaped my lips an hour later as I shifted my hand, sunlight glaringly bright. With a hiss I put my hand back over my eyes, closing them and wishing once more for the sweet release of death.

"Stop playing it up. I already apologized, did I not?"

I glanced out from beneath my hand at Lucina, who was sitting across from me with a fairly embarrassed expression on her face. We had relocated from the palace after she and Lon'qu had beat the ever-loving snot out of me, before Lissa had been able to explain what had happened. And of course, despite my plea to the contrary, there had been numerous blows to the head.

And to top it all off, my pained screams had woken Owain. So at least Lon'qu was in the dog house now, too.

Now I was sitting in my favorite café with Lucina, who had graciously offered to treat me to breakfast by way of apology. I was still wearing the jacket I'd snatched from the Royal Guards, too, so I'd send it back with Lucina.

"I blame you for this," I groaned.

"And I already apologized," Lucina repeated. "Had we known that my Aunt Lissa had been struck by weakness-"

"No, I blame you for all the rumors about me being an unashamed man-whore," I interrupted. "I am not that bad and you know it. What do I gotta do, get married myself!? For Christ's sake, she's married! To a man who was once my friend! Ugh… but no more, that fucker needs to learn restraint…"

Lucina just mumbled something unintelligible that sounded suitably apologetic, wilting in her seat.

Breakfast had been a simple affair; eggs, smoked ham, some under-cooked toast, and a cup of very strong black coffee. Lucina had opted for a cup of tea, having finished most of her own breakfast at the palace before she'd beat me stupid with her uncle.

She sat now, studiously avoiding my gaze, in her 'plain clothes'. Or her civvies, as I liked to call anything that wasn't one of my uniforms. A simple white blouse and dark tan pants under a duty jacket she'd snagged while she had still been my assistant. Clearly, judging by the fact that none of the colors were garish and clashing, Severa had picked this outfit for her. Her hand still occasionally drifted to the empty spot on her hip where Falchion had once hung out of habit. She'd hung up the sword, claiming that she didn't need it in peacetime, but still kept it close at hand in her quarters. Resting on the delicate golden chain was the pendant I'd given her years ago, no longer hidden beneath her tunic now that we weren't fighting wars every other day.

"You'd better not let Noire find out about this," I warned her, leaning forward to take a sip of the bitter, nourishing, life-giving brown liquid in my mug. "She'll kick your ass worse than you kicked mine."

"I know," Lucina moaned, burying her face in her hands.

I smirked for a moment before the phantom pain from where my lip had been split and healed made its presence known again and I gave a pained hiss.

"So what're you doing for the rest of the day?" I asked conversationally.

"Training and studying," Lucina answered automatically. "I wish to take the test to become a magistrate in the Fall, and I still have much to learn."

"Just don't over-do it," I warned, sipping my coffee again. "All work and no play makes Lucina a dull girl."

Lucina huffed, looking away and crossing her arms beneath her breasts. She, like all of the time-travelers, had finally stopped looking so destitute and emaciated now and had grown up. She'd been pretty before, if I'm totally honest, but now she was striking. And while her rack wasn't quite the size of her mother or sister's, she still had a nice pair that-

"You were fantasizing about my breasts again, weren't you?" Lucina deadpanned.

"Woman get out of my head," I snapped automatically.

With an irritated sigh and a swish of perfect cobalt hair Lucina shook her head, before glancing around the café again.

"Does there not seem to be… an awful lot of couples out today?" she asked.

"Do you not know what day it is?" I asked, quirking a brow. "Saint Emmeryn's Day? Chocolates and flowers and love and all that bullshit?"

"I… did not," Lucina said honestly.

"Ugh, you know we look like one of those couples too right now," I groaned.

"You would be so lucky!" Lucina snapped, frowning. "I'm sorry you find my company so disagreeable!"

"Way to overreact, Luce," I deadpanned, rising to my feet and draining the last of my coffee. "I got my own reasons for not liking this day, fuck you very much. Thanks for breakfast."

Then without looking back I left a flustered Lucina sitting alone in the café. She had stormed off while we'd been talking plenty of times, but to my knowledge this was the first time I'd gotten the shits and beaten her to it.

* * *

I wandered around town for a little while, simply lost in my own head. I had my hands in my pockets and my head down, so it's no surprise no one called out to me or approached me. I was pretty well known at this point, and usually I'd get at least one or two people asking to shake my hand or thanking me for my service to Ylisse. Fortunately, the people seemed to read the mood and left me alone.

It was a nice day and it was starting to warm up a little, reminding me of the jacket I was still wearing that I'd forgotten to give to Lucina to return to the Guards' garrison.

I stopped as I heard a familiar laugh from one of the niche little open-air bistros, glancing over to make sure the dumbass wasn't wearing his uniform to pick up girls again.

"But of course, my dears," Virion declared. "I, the archest of archers and the loveliest of lovers would love to take each of you on a date today! But unfortunately the day grows short and I only have so many arms!"

The 'archest of archers' and, as I liked to call him, the 'dumbest of dumbasses' was sitting in his gaudy everyday wear, smirking at the attention as a crowd of at least ten women pestered him. The remains of a light breakfast sat on the table in front of him, as well as enough tea to drown an elephant, and as he laughed again I felt a vein throb in my forehead.

"Good morning, Cherche!" I shouted without thinking.

"Cherche!? Where!?" Virion shrieked, color dropping from his face. "Darling it's not what it looks like please don't sic your lovely Minerva on me again oh gods above I'm far to pretty to die!"

His suave persona utterly gone as he dived over the back of his chair and disappeared in seconds, the ladies of Ylisse looked at the space he'd vacated in confusion. I doubled over with laughter, having to hold myself up on a nearby light-pole. My laughter only increased when ten very incensed women turned baleful glares in my direction, finally catching on.

"He's married, girls," I laughed. "Better luck next time!"

Before I could vacate the scene of the crime I felt a large, meaty hand slap me on the back, the distinctive deep chuckle coming alongside me.

"Hoy, was good one," Gregor guffawed. "Gregor not see skinny archer move like that since wedding day!"

"You'd run too if your wife's maid of honor was a wyvern," I chuckled.

"So, will young Ben be taking Virion's place?" Gregor asked.

"Nah, I think they're about to lynch me," I laughed. "Why don't you go keep them company, big guy?"

Gregor gave me a wink, the older man spreading his arms wide as he approached the bistro.

"Ladies, do not be shying from Gregor! May not be as pretty as archest of archers, but has muscles, yes? Round of drinks on Gregor, yes! Stay, and Gregor tells how he single-handedly saved General and Exalt in Valm!"

"Contain thine orgasms, maidens!" I added with a smirk, ignoring the scandalized glares. "It's a good story!"

Then, shaking my head I resumed my wandering. It had looked like at least a couple of the girls had been willing to listen to Gregor's stories, so I didn't feel so bad about ditching to resume my aimless walk. Of course, being Emmeryn's day and a Sunday there were couples out and about everywhere. Smiling, happy couples that made me want to puke and light them on fire. Happy normal people, man… makes me shudder.

* * *

Eventually I made my way to one of the small garden squares that the Inner Ward of Ylisstol was known for. Five benches arranged in a circle around a bubbling fountain, all occupied with a small crowd standing around them, too. It wasn't the fountain that was so interesting that day, though, but rather what was in front of the fountain.

Olivia, clad in her skimpy white dancer's attire, was regaling the crowd with one of her beautiful, graceful dances as they appreciatively looked on. Despite working for me and becoming an officer in the Ylissean army she still held tight to her dreams of opening a dancing studio, and she often went out to dance like this, collecting tips to put towards the studio.

I joined the back of the crowd, watching her dance alone with a small smile rising to my face as I was finally able to tune out the couples around me. Olivia had this sort of ethereal grace when she danced, and it was easy to get lost in her movements. There had been many nights in Valm, I'm not ashamed to admit, where the only thing that had kept me going was Olivia's dancing. And I know it was the same for quite a few of the soldiers.

Yet for all her beauty, and all her admirers, she still remained single. And that little prat Inigo refused to clue anyone in on who his father was.

Lost in my thoughts, I didn't realize she'd stopped until the crowd's raucous applause shook me out of my reverie. I clapped along with them, leaning against the back of one of the benches with my hip as I watched most of the men in the crowd drop a few coins in the little box she carried around for tips. Olivia blushed heavily as she waved off all the compliments and praise heaped upon her, bowing low from the waist every time someone dropped so much as a single copper into her box. Which, given the amount of cleavage she showed off when she bowed, only earned her more coins.

Once the crowd dispersed a little and the pink haired dancer squatted to check on her tips I sauntered up, dropping a large denomination gold coin in the box. Her gaze instantly snapped up, her delicate brow furrowing a little as she realized who had given her such a generous tip.

"Ben! I told you, you don't pay for my dancing!"

"Paying for the ambiance," I shrugged, grinning. "Was having a shitty day til I saw you. Taking a break?"

She nodded, still frowning a little as she rose, clutching the box to her generous chest.

"Are you alright?" she asked. "You look a little rough."

"That obvious, huh? Wanna sit?"

"Sure."

By now the crowd had practically disappeared, returning the small square back to its usual low occupancy level as we claimed one of the benches. Olivia sat, fingers running through the coins as she did a rough count. I spread my arms along the back of the bench, leaning back and letting my head fall backwards to look up at the brilliant blue Ylissean spring sky.

"So, what, no great plans for Emmeryn's Day?" I asked conversationally.

Olivia shook her head, piling the coins into the little purse she had with her. "No, just… dancing for the couples. It makes them happy."

"I'll bet it has nothing to do with that fat stack you just snuck into your purse," I smirked, tilting my head a little to glance sidelong at her.

The dancer smiled at the now empty box, resting her hands on its edges.

"I'm so close now," she told me. "So close to my dream."

"It'll hurt to lose you," I told her honestly. "But I think if he can rein in his pyromania Toady will make a good replacement for you."

"I'm not gone yet," Olivia said quickly. "I still have a long way to go and then there's the time to build the studio and-"

"Olivia, take a breath," I cut her off, trying not to laugh.

She complied, gulping in a deep lungful of air and blushing bright red again.

"I just didn't want you to think… I was abandoning you," she said meekly.

"I'd never think that. You're not the type," I said, taking the arm resting on the bench behind her and pulling her in for a side-hug. "You know I support your dream one hundred and ten percent. You wanna go, go for it. Any time. Okay?"

"Thanks, Ben," she said softly.

We stayed like this for a moment, and Olivia reached up to run her fingertips over the callused ridges of the knuckles on the hand I had on her shoulder. We separated then, a relaxed smile on the dancer's face now.

"So why do you look grumpier than usual today?" Olivia asked.

"Eh, it's not important," I waved her off with a grin. "I got to watch my favorite dancer and even hug her. I'd say I got nothing left to be grumpy about."

"Don't do that, don't try to play it off," Olivia huffed.

"What?" I shrugged, before letting out a sigh. "Fine. It's my brother's birthday and I'm homesick. There. Happy now?"

"Oh, Ben, is that why you got so drunk last night?" Olivia asked sympathetically.

"How'd you know that?" I asked quickly. "I thought I was being pretty damn subtle about it."

"You were up on the rooftop terrace screaming 'I'm Batman!' again," Olivia laughed. "You only stopped when Noire and Morgan dragged you kicking and screaming to your room. Virion and Robin had to help. It was… a mess."

"Aw. Now I feel even worse about blowing them off this morning," I muttered, running a hand over my head-stubble.

"So! What can we do to make you feel better?" Olivia asked, smiling at me.

"Well, I was planning to wander around all day avoiding any and all human contact and then drink myself into a stupor," I said slowly, as if considering my options. "Although, the thought of wandering around all day avoiding any and all human contact before drinking myself into a stupor sounds pretty appealing, too. Oh, what if I-"

"Wandered around all day avoiding any and all human contact and then drank yourself into a stupor?" Olivia cut in. "No. That's not going to make you feel better."

"Well, then, doctor Olivia, what do you suggest?" I asked sarcastically.

Olivia let out a little giggle, straightening and putting on a serious face and tone. "As your physician I suggest a good helping of human contact and sobriety."

"Ick. Sounds dull," I snorted, making a face.

"Come on, I know what'll cheer you up," Olivia persisted, bumping my shoulder with her own. "And it's not avoiding all human contact and drinking yourself into a stupor."

"Damn, one step ahead of me," I sighed.

"Why don't you go see Libra?" she suggested. "I know the kids at the orphanage love you, and I know how much you enjoy spending time with them."

"Lies and slander," I said. "But maybe I should go do something. I'll take it under advisement. What about you? Any plans for the most romantic day of the year?"

"Oh, I have plans," Olivia said with a sly wink.

"Please tell me they don't involve you crawling into my bed wearing less fabric than you'd find on one end of an ear-cleaner," I groaned, resting my face in my hands.

"What!?" Olivia laughed.

"Nothing. Long story," I sighed.

* * *

Just after lunch I continued my aimless wandering, thinking on what Olivia had told me. She'd disappeared after our little chat, probably to go squirrel away the coins she'd earned with her dancing so far, so I was left to my own devices. Just as I was beginning to contemplate breaking my last gold coin on lunch I was stopped by a flash of red hair and a familiar, biting tone of voice that brought a small smile to my face.

"I told you no! Gawds, you men are all the same!"

Severa huffed, her face twisted in a scowl as a well-dressed young man recoiled from her outburst. He wasn't a bad looking guy. Handsome enough, with a decent chin and a clean, well-presented outfit. Minor nobility of some sort, no doubt. Clearly someone was trying to get lucky. Too bad he'd chosen the prickliest bitch in the entire city. Maybe he was a masochist, though, what do I know?

"B-but all I asked was if you'd join me for-" he stammered, trying to pull himself together.

"No!" Severa snarled. "Now stop following me!"

She crossed her arms and turned her head away in an obvious dismissal, her eyes widening ever-so-slightly as her gaze fell on me.

"There you are!" she snapped, totally ignoring the young man and stomping over to me. "How dare you make me wait so long!? You better be ready to make up for it!"

I smirked at the crestfallen young man, giving him an apologetic shrug before Severa was before me.

"Roll with it and I'll buy you lunch," she muttered, frowning at me.

"Just don't punch me," I muttered back, leaning in and giving her a chaste kiss on the lips.

"Sorry, dear, I got delayed," I told her, just loud enough for the younger guy to hear.

Severa blushed the same color as her hair, clearly torn between kicking me in the balls and storming off and the deception she was trying to pull off. Too bad for her I found that in situations like these it was best to lay it on thick, to leave no doubt that the lie were real. To that end I took Severa's arm, entwining it with my own and began to pull her back the direction I'd come.

"Beat me up later, lunch is on me," I snickered out of the side of my mouth.

"You're lucky he was annoying," the redhead seethed.

"Yeah, yeah, thank me later," I said.

Once we rounded the corner I glanced over my shoulder to make sure we weren't being tailed, but it looked like lover-boy had taken the hint. I moved to let Severa go, but she had a death-grip on my arm.

"Uh, Sev he's gone, you can let go now," I told her.

"Sh-shut up! I know that!" she snapped, squeezing my arm tighter. "You should be grateful! You have a beautiful woman clinging to you! On Emmeryn's Day, no less! You're welcome!"

I rolled my eyes, stifling my laugh. Because if anything would make her snap it'd be me laughing at her.

"Alright, my beauteous blushing date, where would you like to eat?" I asked her.

Severa mumbled something, pointedly facing away from me. "You pick," she said quietly.

I just gave a one-shouldered shrug, seeing as Severa was so attached to the other arm, and led us to the closest restaurant I could find. It was another open-air bistro joint, like I'd chased Virion out of earlier, full to bursting with happy couples. Severa gave a disappointed frown, which the layman wouldn't really be able to tell from her usual frown in most circumstances, when she spotted the line of couples waiting for a table.

"Nice one, bringing us to a full place," she scoffed irritably.

I just smirked, holding up my pimp-hand and letting the light reflect off the ring with Chrom's signet. I strode to the low railing that separated the bistro from the street, ignoring the questioning glares I was getting from the other waiting patrons, and waved over the maître d. With the pimp hand for good measure. The middle-aged man frowned, clearly only coming over to chase me off, until he spotted the ring on my hand. His whole countenance changed, his face lighting up and his entire bearing becoming far more welcoming.

"Oh, Lord General Ben, sir," the man greeted with a wide smile. "To what do we owe the pleasure? Are you and your lady friend perhaps looking for a place to dine?"

"We were, but you look rather busy," I said archly.

Severa smirked on my arm before taking up a look of frustrated boredom right out of the Ylissean court that we so detested.

"Darling, I'm ever so hungry," she drawled. "What about that lovely café up the street? Maybe they have space?"

"No! No, no milady, we have a table that just opened up," the maître d promised quickly.

"We don't want to be any trouble," I said.

"It's no trouble at all," the man said, clasping his hands as if begging. "For a hero and the Exalt's retainer? None at all! Please, come around to the front and we'll have you seated right away!"

"Well, if you insist," I sighed, desperately trying not to smirk.

We followed the man along the front of the café, ignoring the hushed grumbling from those waiting, and were instantly led to a table in the front corner, overlooking the picturesque Ylissean street. The maître d himself sat us down and brought us our menus, promising to return momentarily to take our orders. Only when he was gone did Severa finally crack and let loose the smirk that was pulling at the corners of my own lips, too.

"This is a wild abuse of your power," she said quietly.

"What is power for if not to be abused," I shrugged. "I'd say I'm pretty tame compared to the rest of the nobility. And far more handsome."

"In a rough sort of way, I guess," Severa laughed. "If you like bald men, that is."

"Ooh, ouch," I laughed back. "My feelings. That hurt. I think we're gonna need some wine."

"Of course, Lord General," the maître d said, reappearing at my elbow already holding a bottle and two glasses. "I've taken the liberty of choosing the finest lunch wine to get you started."

I gave Severa another grin, which she returned.

Maybe Olivia had been right, and the best way to avoid the sads was to just do stuff to distract myself.

And, in my defense, I wasn't drinking alone.

* * *

Much to my surprise I ended up further taking Olivia's advice and spending the rest of the day after lunch with the orphans at Libra's little church on the outskirts of the city. Severa had been surprisingly good company, but after three courses of lunch and two bottles of wine we'd called it quits and I'd left her to the rest of her afternoon. She had been coy enough to give me a thank you kiss, though, on the lips again like I'd done earlier before disappearing into the Ylissean crowds. I'd made a stop on the way to the little church to grab some chocolate for the kids, which had lasted about as long as the last TV on a Black Friday sale. Libra appreciated the extra help, and it gave me a chance to spend the day doing something distracting and yet still constructive.

And so it was, as the sun sank low beyond the horizon and the pearly blue sky faded to dusk that I trudged back to the barracks, my hands deep in the pockets of my borrowed jacket and my head low.

There would be no pizza or cake waiting for me.

There could be a woman waiting for me, if I'd wanted.

But I'd rather just spend the rest of the day drinking myself stupid. And this time not screaming about Batman. Hopefully I could just sneak by everyone and crawl into bed.

With my head down and lost in my own thoughts it didn't take me long to reach the barracks. I glanced up when the toe of my boot caught the ledge of the first step, sighting through my nose. Deciding to simply face the music I pushed open the door, only to find the place empty and dark.

Thinking this odd, I pushed through and silently closed the door behind me. I padded silently up the stairs to find the officer's common room similarly dark. In fact, it was pitch black, no light at all coming through the windows.

"What the fu-"

Before I could finish there was a blinding flash of light, and I was forced to cover my eyes with one hand as the other instinctively dropped to the small of my back, reaching for one of the twin daggers I always had on hand. I needn't have bothered, though, because…

"SURPRISE!"

When I blinked my vision clear it was to see all my friends in the Shepherds waiting in the common room, smiling and laughing as they tossed confetti and streamers into the air. The entire common room had been set up as if it were someone's birthday, complete with a cake in the middle of the coffee table. Much to my disappointment there was no pizza, even after I taught these fuckers how to make it from nothing, but there was a decent spread on a table off to the side.

Tharja and Robin stood at the back of the room, smiling triumphantly as Noire and Morgan giggled next to the door. Virion and Cherche smiled as the archer brushed confetti from his wife's clothes, and Chrom and Sumia hoisted a young Lucina up between them as she cheered, the older Lucina attentively behind them in case her younger self slipped and fell. Cordelia was there with Severa. Owain, Brady, Cynthia, Say'ri, Tiki, Gregor, Inigo and even Lon'qu and Lissa.

Olivia stepped forward, picking bits of paper confetti out of her hair with a giggling smile on her face.

"Well? What do you think?" she asked.

"How'd you make the room so dark?" I asked dumbly.

"Tharja cast a darkness spell," Robin called from the back.

Next to her the dark mage in question gave a smug grin.

"Y'all know it's a few months early for my birthday, right?" I asked, looking around the room.

"It's not for you, silly!" Olivia laughed. "It's for your brother!"

This shocked me into silence for a few moments, before I finally rallied enough to say…

"I beg your pardon?"

"It's a birthday party for your brother!" Morgan laughed, coming up and giving me a big hug. "You know, the uncle I've never met? You should've said something! We could've done this years ago!"

"You snitch," I said, locking eyes with Olivia.

She just shrugged, blushing a little as she grinned triumphantly. And despite my accusatory tone, I felt pretty good. I felt a lot lighter than I had all day, like someone had taken a kit-bag I'd forgotten I was carrying off my shoulders. Again. I knew I could never be with my family again. That was the choice I'd made. But that didn't mean I couldn't have another family of my own right here.

Like the people I was surrounded by right now.

Like the old saying goes, 'the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb'.

I missed my brother, sure.

But that didn't mean I had to be miserable about it.

"I'm sorry for earlier today…" the adult Lucina said, stepping forward.

"Forget it," I told her. "I was acting like an ass."

Noire surprised just about everyone then, I think, when she came up and gave me a big hug like Morgan had.

"Happy Emmeryn's Day, dad," she said, moving back and handing me a parcel. "This is from me and Morgan."

"Morgan and I," the younger of my daughters corrected.

"Grammar Nazi," Noire and I intoned at the same time.

A peal of laughter spread around the room, and I stepped further in to stand before the cake, at the center of the group.

"Alright, someone beer me!" I said, much to the approval of those gathered.

A mug of ale was pressed into my waiting hand, and I hefted it high.

"Here's to my baby brother! Wherever you are, whatever you're doing… happy birthday!"

* * *

**AN2018: No, seriously, happy birthday baby bro. This was your present. Hope you like it. Love you, man. No homo. **

**And a very happy Valentine's Day to all the couples out there reading this story about a salty single man! Hope y'all have a good day. And good sex. Have fun, you crazy kids, but don't forget to use protection. **


	5. All the World's a Stage

**All the World's a Stage**

I let out a satisfied breath, rising up from where I'd been crouching and wiping the sweat from my brow with the back of my hand. Summers in Baham weren't as bad as what I was used to in Australia, but it was still possible to work up a decent sweat if you tried hard enough. Looking down from my perch I gave a small grin at the maid waiting beneath me, her face white as a sheet and her lips pursed into a tight line. I couldn't blame her; being totally honest, my track record with heights wasn't exactly great. At least there were no wyverns to punch up here, though.

"What's wrong, Thundercat?" I called down. "Why don't you come up? View's great up here!"

"I'm more worried about you coming down, milord," Elle called back up to me.

I scoffed and looked back up, smiling as I took in the city view.

My city.

Baham, the jewel of the north.

Surrounded on all sides by thick forest, the city was the first or last stop in Ylisse for most merchants on their way to or from Eastern Regna Ferox. It was one of the biggest cities on the major eastern trade route, meaning it was always a hive of bustling activity. And if I had my way, soon it would be an artistic and educational mecca, too. I had inherited lordship of the city after preventing a civil war between the territories of Baham and Fruford before the Valm Campaign, and with it had come the thing I had dreaded most.

Rank.

Duke Ben of Baham. Founder and retired General of the Ylissean Royal Regular Army. Occasional retainer to the Exalt. Liberator of Valm. Hero of Chon'sin. And, of course my personal favorite, The God-Slayer.

"Daddy! I'm hungry!"

And… recently doting father.

I looked down again, a small raven-haired girl standing with her feet shoulder-width apart and her arms crossed as she glared up at me. Noire had made Elle tie her hair in small pigtails today, making me nervous that Severa had been too much of an influence on my baby girl.

"Alright, sweetie!" I called down. "Daddy's almost done, so-"

"No, daddy! I'm hungry now!" she shouted, stomping one foot for good measure.

The tradesmen on the roof around me snickered as I sighed and rolled my eyes, setting aside my hammer and nails. I was almost done with the roof tiles anyway.

"Sorry, guys," I said over my shoulder. "Can you finish up?"

"Sure thing, Your Lordship," one of the carpenters grinned.

"Mock me all you want," I grinned, edging towards the waiting ladder. "Truth is? The women in my life have called the shots since the day I got to Ylisse. No shame in that."

"Aint that the truth for all'a us!?" one of the other carpenters called.

The men on the roof exploded into laughter as I slid down the ladder, clamping the sides with my feet and palms and letting gravity do the work. On the ground I heard Elle let out a relieved breath as little Noire glared up at me, the spitting image of her mother. And her older, time-travelling self, but that one was a given.

I smiled back, pulling the bandana off my shaved head and stuffing it into my pocket. I was wearing simple pants and a shirt with a matching vest over top. I held out my hand, my jacket magically appearing in it before I pulled the garment on. Of course, the magic was actually my bodyguard and assistant Su'ko, who had been with me since before Valm, too. The ninja woman looked deceptively unthreatening in a simple purple dress, a deep red sash tied around her middle.

"Thank you, Su," I said with a nod.

She silently bowed, but I caught the hint of a smile at the corner of her lips as she did so. Even after all this time, it still pleased her that I acknowledged her presence.

"Daddy!" Noire cried.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," I groaned, before muttering. "I swear you take more after Severa than your mother… either way I'm doomed…"

I turned to admire our handiwork as I approached the others, the shape of the building we were constructing standing tall and proud in the morning sun. The Baham Performing Arts Theatre. First of its kind outside of Ylisstol. I was overseeing the construction with Olivia, who was currently inside using her old army quartermaster skills to get the interior outfitted. We'd both retired after Grima; me because I'd been crippled in my sword arm, and Olivia because she wanted to follow her dream. This dream. Having her own stage.

Only she didn't know yet it was hers. That part was a secret.

God I couldn't wait to see the look on her face when I gave her the keys…

"Okay, sweetie, what do you want to eat for lunch?" I asked, squatting down to Noire's level.

"Cake," she said, smiling brightly up at me.

I barked out a laugh, grabbing my little girl in a hug and pulling her up in my arms as I stood. I hugged her close to my chest and kissed her forehead, grinning broadly as she smiled back, and…

"No," I said, my smile dropping. "Healthy food, remember? Cake for desert."

"You suck," Noire pouted, turning away in my arms.

"And you just lost cake privileges," I laughed.

"Aw! Thundercat, protect me!" Noire cried, throwing her arms out.

Elle gave a long-suffering groan, and from behind me I could swear I actually heard Su'ko chuckle a little. The maid stomped forward, her thin frame deceptively strong as she picked Noire out of my arms and set her back on the ground.

"It's bad enough you have the Exalt calling me that, milord," Elle said, glaring at me before turning that glare on the girl. "The young miss knows better, though."

"I'm sorry, Miss Elle," Noire said, totally unrepentant.

"You're still not getting cake for lunch," I said over Elle's head.

"You all suck!" Noire pouted, crossing her arms.

"Young lady!" I admonished with a grin. "Oh, how sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child! Where did you even pick up such language?"

"I wonder," Elle deadpanned, glaring at me again.

* * *

It was evening by the time I returned to the theater, content to just wander around the almost finished building and soak in the ambience. The smell of sawdust, something I'd found comforting since my days as a boy hanging around my father's workshop, still hung in the air even this late in the evening. The only light came from the single lantern I'd brought with me and left on the edge of the stage as I wandered through the rows of bench seats, running my fingertips along their smooth, sanded edges.

All of it was empty right now, but someday soon these seats would be full of laughing, smiling patrons. The halls would bustle with movement, the backstage would hum with nervous tension. There would be life. The kind of celebration of life that only the theater, only the arts, could bring.

I think Olivia was the only other person besides me excited like this. She was only in it for the dancing, though. As I passed through the rows of seats, I eventually reached the stage, running my hand gently over the polished wooden surface. I was here for it all. The dancing, the poetry, the acting and the music. All of it would happen here one day. Baham would become a place of art and culture, not war and hatred like I had let it be for so long. They would come from all over the world; dancers from Plegia, jugglers and acrobats from Valm, singers and musicians from Regna Ferox, poets from Ylisse… actors from wherever I could get them…

With a small grunt I hoisted myself up onto the stage, my old injured wrist screaming in protest going ignored as I stood tall on the platform. If nothing else, the constant fighting had given me a high pain threshold. I looked out over the benches, cast in shadow as the spotlight of the lantern fell on me. Slowly, unbidden, a smile rose to my face.

I was all alone here…

Why the hell not?

"_Morning in Paris, the city awakes, to the bells of Notre Dame..."_

I began to sing the first song that came to my mind; the opening to Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame. I knew the song off by heart, thanks to the youtuber Jonathan Young's cover, so…

"_The fisherman fishes, the baker-man bakes, to the bells of Notre Dame…" _

And so it went, I sang the entire opening score, utterly butchering it. I wasn't warmed up, and I wasn't that great a singer to begin with. I honestly just wanted to hear the acoustics of the theater while it was empty, and Olivia had done her job well. I hardly had to push to project, and my voice filled the whole, fortunately empty, space. As I finished, eschewing the high note at the end of the song for a more distorted metal-vocal sound I stopped, arms spread wide and panting now as I grinned a little to myself.

My goofy little grin dropped with my arms, however, at the sound of clapping.

"Woo! Go dad! Encore! Encore!"

I rolled my eyes and blushed deeply, crossing my arms and glaring at the figure sitting up in the nosebleed section. Morgan grinned as she rose to her feet, quickly approaching the front as I dropped into a sitting position on the edge of the stage, praying that the weak light hid my red cheeks.

"How long were you there?" I asked.

"A while," my time-travelling daughter grinned impishly.

"Oh god, how long is 'a while'?" I groaned, burying my face in my hands.

Morgan just grinned, hopping past me onto the stage and doing a little spin before stopping, copying the pose I'd taken at the start of the song. And then she surprised me.

"_Morning in Paris, the city awakes, to the bells of Notre Dame," _she sang, perfectly in tune.

She did the first few lines before breaking into a fit of giggles and grinning down at me.

"Well, clearly you get that from your mother," I smirked. "Because you just heard how bad I am at singing."

"Aw, you weren't so bad," Morgan laughed, pulling me up by one arm.

I sighed as she dragged me into the middle of the stage.

"Now, come on, let's sing together!" Morgan said with a radiant smile.

"No!" I laughed along.

"C'mon, it'll be fun!" Morgan pouted.

"I can't sing!" I warned her.

"I just heard you," she reminded me. "You weren't that bad!"

I opened my mouth to rebut when a thought popped into my head. With a grin, I decided that if she liked my horrible Disney singing so much…

"_Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba!"_ I 'sang' at the top of my lungs.

Morgan jumped, her face shocked before she burst into laughter again.

"What the hell was that!?" She asked, still smiling.

"The Lion King," I shrugged, grinning again before continuing. _"Nants ingonyama bagithi baba! Sithi uhhmm ingonyama! Ingonyama!"_

"Stop! Stop, I'm sorry!" Morgan cried.

She was laughing so hard that she was doubled over now, one hand holding herself up on her knee while the other clutched at her heaving ribs, tears of laughter almost running down her face at this point.

"Lesson learned?" I asked her.

"What language even was that?" she asked, shaking her head as the last of her chuckles died down.

"Zulu I think," I shrugged. "A language from back home. I'm not really sure, I just know the song."

"Well, it's no worse than when you taught us Du Hast," Morgan chuckled.

"Hey, that song is an important part of your heritage, missy!" I said, mock-seriously.

We looked at each other for a moment before my frown cracked and we both burst back into laughter. After a few minutes of laughing so hard I went light headed, we moved towards the edge of the stage and sat down.

"So, what's up?" I asked after a moment.

"Well, I am your daughter, and I do enjoy harassing my family members just as much as you do," Morgan shrugged.

"Oh, I'm sure," I smirked.

"I'm also wondering if you've found me a mom yet," Morgan said, mirroring my smirk.

"Knew it," I scoffed.

I leaned back until I simply fell onto my back, staring up at the domed ceiling of the theatre.

To this day, Morgan hadn't told anyone who her mother was. None of the other time-travelers could remember, thanks to the temporal anomaly I had created when I'd dropped myself into their existence, and Morgan was insistent on not 'spoiling' things for us. Hell, she even spent a fortune on hair dye from Anna so I couldn't find out that way. It was nice that she wanted me to find love the old-fashioned way, but when she was breathing down my neck about it like this it got annoying.

"I don't think I've ever met any daughter so interested in their father's sex life," I said from my prone position. "Are you jealous? Should I have called you 'Ophelia' instead?"

"First, ew," Morgan said, scrunching up her face in disgust and sticking out her tongue. "And second, I do have something of a personal stake in this. I'm already going to be way younger than Noire this time. I would still like to be born."

"You can't have your cake and eat it, too, missy," I grunted, sitting back up. "Either tell me where to aim my dick or stop bugging me about it. Or I start in on you and Inigo giving me grandkids again."

"Dad! Ew!" Morgan laughed. "I keep telling you, Inigo and I are friends! No fuckin'! That'd be like fucking my brother!"

"You know what they say: Incest is wincest," I shrugged.

"Oh fuck, Dad, barf!" Morgan laughed, holding her stomach. "I don't know whether to laugh or puke."

"Do both, I'll hold your hair," I smirked.

"Ass," Morgan chuckled, shoving me in the shoulder.

"Apple don't fall far from the butt-tree," I grinned, shoving her back.

"Mmmm, buttery," Morgan muttered. "Now I want a muffin."

"You're gonna end up fat," I warned.

"Please, with the exercise routine I inherited from you?" Morgan scoffed. "I got abs you could grate cheese on. Look!"

Morgan leaned back and pulled her shirt up, exposing her pale, toned stomach while I laughed and tried to pull her shirt back down.

"Okay, I get the point! Knock it off!" I laughed.

She wasn't wrong, though. Abs like a fucking boxer, that girl.

"So, what are you really doing here?" I asked.

"I'm here for opening night," Morgan said, perking up. "Think I'd miss that? Hell no!"

I rolled my eyes. "Well, at least you didn't bring Inigo along to-"

"Oh, he's already at the fort," Morgan cut me off. "He loves it there. Probably hiding and watching Olivia practice again or something."

"Why are all of you kids so fucking creepy?" I asked, furrowing my brow.

Morgan's only response was to throw her head back and laugh again, the sound echoing around the empty theatre.

* * *

"Director! Director!"

I groaned, my shoulders slumping as I turned a little to glare out of the corner of my eye.

It was morning now, and I was back in the theatre that I may as well have been living out of at this point. I'd just finished breakfast with Noire and seen her off to her tutors for the day and was looking forward to getting a few piddly things done at the theatre, then actually getting some free time to sit around and do nothing, but alas, it was not meant to be.

I ran a hand down my face, looking up to see a giggling Olivia approaching me.

"Olivia, you are the only one who can get away with calling me that," I sighed. "But please don't. What's up?"

The pink-haired dancer smiled brightly, her teeth glinting in the morning sunlight as she laughed at my standard grousing.

"I think it's a dignified title," she said.

"I think it makes me sound like I'll be a lot more involved than I plan to be," I said, rolling my eyes. "Being 'patron' is enough. I'll find someone else to run the place."

"Oh, don't be like that, I know you're having fun, you big grump," the dancer laughed, coming alongside me and playfully bumping my shoulder with her own.

Of course, after training and fighting for close to five years straight she may as well have bumped into a brick wall. I may have been retired, but I was proud to say I was still built. Olivia, too, was far more muscular than she once had been; she was still lithe and graceful in the extreme, but the defined lines of muscle beneath her silken-soft skin spoke of the hardships she had endured with us. She had taken to wearing a silk shawl around her shoulders in an attempt to hide what she considered to be unsightly muscle mass for a dancer. Clearly, she had never seen a ballerina before… but aside from that, she still dressed much the same as she always had. I had seen her, much like myself and the rest of the veterans in Baham, wearing her old duty jacket when it got colder out, though.

Despite myself I smirked at her playful behavior, the timid Olivia a thing of the past now. Most of the time, anyway.

"Did you have a reason for bugging me, or are you just here to fulfill the universe's quota of 'pissing Ben off for the day'?" I asked. "Because I'm pretty sure the idiots installing the railing up top may have already beat you to it."

"As much fun as that sounds," Olivia laughed, crossing her hands behind her back, "I did want to talk to you about opening night."

"Shoot."

"I've come up with some basic choreography, and my old dancing troupe should be arriving any day now," she began to explain. "I wanted to get your opinion on it before I went ahead and began organizing the costumes, but you seem to be-"

Olivia was cut off by a loud crash of falling lumber, both of us visibly cringing.

"Busy," she finished with a small smile.

I spun, glaring at the contractors who had dropped a bundle of balusters for the railings around the upper platforms. The two young men looked at me with guilty expressions, and I debated ripping into them, but it didn't appear that any of them were broken, so I just shook my head and turned back to Olivia.

The plan for opening night was an all-out assault of all of the arts. The two main shows would be Olivia's dance performance, utilizing musicians and dancers from all over the world, and my play. Olivia had told me her segment would have dancers performing traditional, crowd-pleasing dances around the non-traditional, experimental stuff she liked to do. I was honestly excited to see it.

"I'm gonna fucking kill those two if any of those are broken," I sighed. "I'll make time. I promise. When are you free?"

"I'm free all day today," she said with a hopeful smile. "I still have to wait for the rest of the interior to get here. Anna's taking her sweet time."

"You mean extorting more freight money out of me?" I deadpanned.

"You said it, not me," Olivia laughed.

"This place is bleeding me dry," I groaned, running both hands down my face.

"Yes, but it's good practice for me," Olivia smirked. "I get to watch you make all the mistakes so I don't when I build my own theatre."

"Right, right, I'm always the first pancake," I sighed.

Olivia just laughed again as we threaded our way through the milling builders, back outside into the sunlight. We both let out matching sighs as we tilted our heads back in sync, basking in the warm morning sun.

"How's your script coming?" she asked conversationally.

"Just making the last adjustments," I said, my face darkening into a frown. "Seriously, though. Fuck iambic pentameter. If I had any hair left, I would've pulled it out weeks ago."

"I'm sure it's not that bad," Olivia laughed.

"Not only did I have to write this fucking thing from memory, but I had to work it into the pentameter, too," I groaned. "Fuck everything. Seriously. I am not doing this again. At least the acting troupe you suggested are professional enough that I don't need to hover over them while they practice. Although I do have to keep explaining the script to them, but that's no surprise…"

"They're good," Olivia nodded. "Better than they were when we travelled together by far. It's been good to see them all again. I heard Morgan's the understudy for one of the lead roles?"

"Yeah, she offered and there's really not a lot of woman-actors out there," I said. "She is my daughter, after all. It runs in her blood."

I sighed out my nose, leaning back against the outside wall of the theatre.

"Think you might go on tour again once this is done?" I asked.

Olivia glanced over at me, a small, knowing smile on her face.

"Why Ben, are you asking because you would miss me?" she asked coyly. "You? Mister 'everyone leave me the fuck alone'?"

"Oh god, did I ruin all of you?" I laughed. "I'm just curious."

The dancer laughed, too, her smile turning bitter-sweet as we ambled back towards the city.

"I don't think so," she admitted after a moment. "I'm not as young as I used to be. Not as flexible. Not as… good. Don't get me wrong I don't regret anything that I did but I'm just not the woman I was before I joined the army and-"

"Olivia, fuck, take a breath," I laughed, some of the dancer's old timidity rising to the fore.

"Sorry," she chuckled. "I just don't want you to think… well… I wouldn't change anything. At all."

As she spoke Olivia subconsciously moved her hand to her hip, currently covered by a carefully positioned wrap of her gossamer outfit. I knew that, underneath, was an unsightly scar she'd gotten in Valm; a scar that was on full display when she danced.

"Good," I sighed, theatrically laying the back of my hand on my brow and adopting a bad 'southern belle' accent. "I fear I've grown accustomed to your face, dear."

"Oh stop," Olivia giggled. "Are you sure you shouldn't be the one up on stage on opening night?"

"_All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts_," I quoted with a smirk before stopping and snorting. "Fuck that noise, though. I have enough parts as it is, I don't even want to be anywhere near another. Opening night is going to be when all the little mistakes come bubbling to the surface, and which poor bastard is gonna have to fix em? Me."

We stopped at the edge of the cordoned off zone for the theatre's budding gardens, Olivia smiling at me again as she spun to face me.

"If you really hated it so much you wouldn't be here on your day off," she pointed out.

"Yeah, yeah, you know me better than me," I said, rolling my eyes. "Go do something productive with your day off. I'll come find you once I kick the builders' asses for a few hours."

"I'll hold you to it," Olivia said with a wink, before spinning and sashaying off down the crowded market street.

I watched her until she disappeared into the crowd before letting out a long sigh, thinking to myself that the new, outgoing Olivia was a welcome change, indeed. As I walked back into the comparatively dim interior of the theatre, I couldn't quite help but smile at the thought of Olivia's visit, letting out another sigh and shaking my head.

"_Shall I compare thee to a summer's day_, indeed," I muttered to myself with a grin.

* * *

Time marched onward, and before long the theatre was done. Which meant that, slowly but surely, people had begun to trickle into Baham for the Grand Opening gala. Eventually, every noble house in Ylisse had a representative present in my city, not to mention all the visiting foreign aristocracy. Maribelle had taken over a good half of my guest wing alone, and I had my maids and butlers beating her people off the half I kept made up in case Chrom decided to drop by. Everyone else had booked out every inn and hotel in the city. Half of the Valmese ruling caste had shown up, not to mention Say'ri, Tiki and a very large contingent of Chon'sinian nobility I was hoping I'd never have to see again, let alone entertain at my estate. I'd given the Chon'sinian group my own quarters. There was no way I could make a visiting foreign queen and Naga's Voice stay at one of the hotels in town.

Then, scant days before the big night, when I was at my most stressed out after having corrected a number of small mistakes in my script at the last minute, Chrom arrived with all the pomp and ceremony one would expect of a monarch visiting one of his territories. Sumia and both Lucinas in tow, he showed up on my doorstep at the worst possible moment, as was his usual MO.

I hurried down the stairs, ignoring a flustered Elle as she rushed after me and tried to neaten my appearance, approaching where the former Duke, the veteran Helman, was receiving Chrom in my stead.

"Your Grace," I called out across the foyer. "I didn't think you were coming."

Helman reacted first, heaving a long sigh when he saw me and shaking his head. Chrom snickered as Sumia emulated the former Duke, while the time travelling Lucina simply rolled her eyes. I was also certain I could already hear Frederick's silent disapproval from outside, even though I couldn't see him yet (nothing new there, though).

I was currently a mess. I won't lie.

I hadn't shaved in weeks; I hadn't had the time. My clothes were rumpled and creased, and I'm sure I stank to the high heavens. My fingers were dyed almost uniformly black from all the ink I'd been dealing with, and I'm pretty sure I had more than a few smudges on my face.

I got like this when any writing deadline came around. It wasn't something you really grew out of.

Fortunately, there was one person among their number who was happy to see me, no matter what I looked like…

"Uncle Ben!" a small Lucina cried, darting around her father and barreling into my knees with all the subtlety of a charging freight train.

I almost went over, laughing instead as I bent down to scoop the young Princess up in my arms.

"Wow, someone's getting big!" I laughed.

"Uh huh! Uh huh!" Princess Lucy nodded quickly. "I'm up to my older-self's stomach now!"

"Lucina, please!" the time-traveler hissed in embarrassment.

Lucy just turned in my arms and blew her older self a raspberry, earning another laugh from her father.

"Father, do not encourage this kind of behavior!" Lucina groaned.

"Still hasn't lightened up, I see," I muttered to the younger princess.

"No, but I keep trying," she told me.

"I know you do, sweetie," I laughed, setting her back down. "Why don't you and your sisters go see the girls? Remember where Noire's room is upstairs?"

"Yeah!" Lucy cheered excitedly.

She was off in a blue flash, grabbing Lucina by the wrist and apparently pulling a young Cynthia out of hammer-space, before dragging them both up the stairs; much to Chrom and Sumia's great amusement. Frederick finally chose that point to make his entrance, carrying literally all of the luggage himself. He watched the girls fly up the stairs before his eyes settled on me and he gave a long-suffering sigh.

"Sup, Fredward," I grinned.

* * *

Once everyone was settled in the suite I kept for Chrom's visits, we met back up in one of the downstairs patios I liked to use to entertain guests on nice days. Of course, Chrom and Sumia's arrival hadn't gone unnoticed, and Maribelle, Say'ri and Tiki had all joined us, as well. Elle had set a table with snacks and tea, and that's where we all sat, basking in the autumn sun.

I'd taken the time to have a quick shower and run a razor over my head, but I'd decided to forgo hacking at the beard that had formed on my face until I had time to do it properly. But at least I didn't stink now.

"Fie," Say'ri muttered, looking down at her cup. "Would that you had told me we had taken your own quarters…"

"Ah, don't worry, I'm pretty much living in my office right now anyway," I waved her off, ink stains still evident on my fingers underlining my statement.

Say'ri was wearing a beautiful kimono that was probably nearly as old as Tiki, and no doubt cost as much as all of my holdings put together. Delicately embroidered white flowers decorated the pale pink fabric, swathes of color and stylized birds beneath them. Tiki was dressed much the way she usually was, though; and so were Chrom, Sumia and Maribelle.

"One day you will begin to actually act like a noble," Maribelle sighed theatrically. "And on that day pigs will soar through the air."

I rolled my eyes but kept my mouth shut. Ever since we'd made peace with our 'relationship' when I'd first shown up in Ylisse, Maribelle and Themis had, surprisingly, been my staunchest supporters in the Ylissean House of Lords upon my appointment as Duke. However, this unofficially made me her bitch, a fact she liked to exercise as much as humanly possible.

"We could have stayed in the guest quarters," Tiki added, reaching out and piling slices of roast apple onto a small plate.

"I only have enough space for two 'official visitation contingents'," I sighed. "One's permanently on reserve in case Chrom decides to vacation for the summer."

Chrom cleared his throat, arching one eyebrow.

"Sorry," I said, rolling my eyes, correcting myself. "I mean 'I respectfully maintain a suite of rooms for the esteemed Exalt and his family, ere they require lodgings in the north'."

"Better," Chrom smirked.

"Besides, I couldn't kick my old friends out and make you stay in an inn," I shrugged. "All the classy ones are already booked out. And if I tried to oust some other noble from one of the nicer inns then I'd have to deal with the fallout from that and… ugh. Fuck politics. How do you all deal with it?"

"A lifetime of training," Say'ri said automatically.

"I revel in the challenge it presents," Maribelle said haughtily.

"Ale," Chrom said simply.

There was a moment of silence before the entire table burst out laughing, the Exalt's comment even getting a few dainty chuckles from Maribelle.

"I notice you did not extend your hospitality to General Virion," said noblewoman drawled.

"Hey, he wanted the top spot, he stays in the barracks," I shrugged.

"Aren't you supposed to at least offer?" Sumia asked.

"Probably," I smirked, leaning back in my chair. "But like I said; fuck politics."

"How do you manage to have any friends at all with that attitude?" Tiki laughed.

"Charisma and the best stock of ale north of Ylisstol," I said, flashing a grin.

"Naga knows that's the only reason I'm here," Chrom muttered, earning a swift elbow to the ribs from Sumia.

* * *

And so, finally, opening night came.

The theatre was done, and utterly packed. Every seat had an ass in it, and the warm-up acts were just wrapping up.

And I was about to have a stroke.

"No, the props for the play need to go at the back, the dancers need room to move back here! Reg! Where the fuck do you think you're going with that light filter!? I don't care if it's dirty, we need it for the next act! And why the fuck isn't there any water at the snack table!? You, you and you, get some clean fucking water!"

I stalked through the crowd of actors, dancers, singers and musicians backstage, shouting out orders with Olivia and Morgan in tow.

"Well, you can take the General out of the army…" Morgan said with a grin.

"Gods I wish I'd had more directors like him when I was travelling," Oliva agreed.

"And where the fuck are the feather boas!?" I snarled over my shoulder.

I ignored Morgan and Olivia snickering at me in favor of glaring at the prop assistant hurrying forward with an armful of brightly colored feather boas for Olivia's dance routines.

"Why are you not freaking out like me?" I asked her, turning a little more.

"Because you're doing a good enough job for the both of us," Olivia giggled. "Also, I am actually really nervous about being back on stage again after so long and its such an important night and I'm trying really hard to maintain my cool-"

Morgan and I both quirked our eyebrows at her and the dancer caught herself, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes.

"Okay, point taken," I smirked.

"Sorry," Olivia said, eyes still closed. "I'm just so nervous. It's been so long since I've been on stage that… I've got the butterflies… I… I'll b-be fine, though!"

Morgan rolled her eyes, reaching out and poking Olivia on the nose.

"Boop."

Olivia jumped a little, her eyes snapping open. Morgan pressed her attack, giving a wordless shout and…

"M-M-Morgan!? What are- EEK! Stop! Stop!" Olivia laughed.

…wrapping the dancer in a big bear hug, pinning her arms to her sides and lifting her off the ground.

"Are you distracted yet!?" Morgan said above Olivia's laughter.

"Yes! Yes! Stop before you ruin my costume!" the dancer cried.

My daughter set the slight older woman down, Olivia taking a deep breath and desperately trying to hide the smile on her face.

"… the fuck was that?" I asked with a smirk.

"My mom used to do that to me all the time when I was nervous," Morgan shrugged.

"Cute," I said, turning to Olivia. "You good now?"

"Surprisingly, yes," the dancer nodded.

"Okay, good, now go get ready, you're on soon," I said.

Olivia took a deep breath, switching over from her usual self to 'stage Olivia'. The change was palpable, an aura of calm surrounding the usually skittish dancer as she let herself simply sink into the moment. She didn't even speak as she walked away, Morgan and I watching this display of ethereal grace with equal parts awe and envy.

Then the lights went up, the band started and the dancers flooded the stage.

The warm-up acrobats beat a hasty retreat, knowing that they would just be in the way if they lingered. As Olivia's old dance troupe crowded the stage and their show began, I gave myself a moment to watch as Olivia started the dance, her swaying, willowy movements only the beginning of the powerful, energetic dance that I knew was coming.

I'd had to sit down after she'd shown me the prototype. It was that amazing.

The lights went low, blue glass filters being put over the lamps as they all took their places. Olivia was at the back, her pure white outfit contrasting sharply with the dimness of the stage, making her and the other dancers stand out even more. The music started, low and thrumming as the audience began to give their first appreciative glances as they started to move, each dancer's movements flowing into each other's like water. At the center of it all, Olivia moving and spinning, ever so slowly, tantalizingly, as she began to work the stage.

And that was all I had time to watch, cursing my luck that I was back stage and not in the audience watching this spectacle. I hadn't even seen the damned dress rehearsals of her dance; I was too damn busy with my own dress rehearsals, making sure the play was utterly perfect. Which, to my mind, it was.

"Alright, places, people!" I said, turning and clapping. "The dances only go for an hour, so let's make it count! I want everyone in costume and ready to go! This is the big one, people!"

There was a low cheer from the assembled cast and crew, keeping a lid on it so as not to distract the dancers on stage. A new fervor overtook those of us still backstage, Morgan hovering around me as I did one final check of the props we'd need for the play. Unfortunately, Murphy's Law dictating 'everything that can go wrong will go wrong' was in full force that night, and just as I was finishing with the props one of the stage hands came running up to me out of breath.

"Milord! Milord, we have a problem!" the young man said, out of breath.

"I swear to whatever gods you hold dear if you tell me the caterers bailed early…" I growled in warning.

"N-no, milord, it's… ah… well…" the young man stammered.

"Well? Out with it!" I snapped.

"You need to come to the dressing room, sir," was all he said.

I felt a familiar sinking feeling in my stomach as I exchanged glances with Morgan. The kind of feeling I only got when we were in the field and things were about to get FUBAR.

We hurried to the dressing room, the assistant leading us in and standing dutifully just inside the door as I entered into a scene from my worst nightmares.

Our female lead, in full costume, was lying on the floor holding her ankle. The male lead and his understudy were both being held apart by more of the stagehands, faces bloodied and costumes torn.

"What. The. Fuck?" I growled, stomping into the room.

Both men shook off the stagehands, exploding into accusations and pointed fingers, curses and excuses faster and louder than I could comprehend. I held up a hand for silence, my old army countenance clearly slipping on as both men clammed up immediately.

"You," I said, indicating the stagehand who had brought the situation to me. "Explain. Now."

"Maly fell, sir," the stagehand said, indicating to the woman on the ground. "Twisted her ankle, sir."

"And Wingus and Dingus?" I asked, indicating to the two bloodied actors.

"It was Sige's fault!" the lead cried, pointing at the understudy. "If he'd been on time with his delivery for-"

"Hany, shut the fuck up!" the understudy snarled. "You're always such a perfectionist you can't tell that-"

"Silence," I said, barely raising my voice.

Once again, the two actors clammed up. Maly gave a small whimper of fear from the ground.

"Neither of you can go on stage like this," I said, frowning. "Or Maly, for that matter."

I moved to kneel by her side, indicating I wanted to look at her injured ankle. She nodded, and I gently prodded at the joint while everyone else silently watched on. After so many years around clumsy farm boys playing at being soldiers, I'd gotten a feel for this kind of injury. Maly's ankle would be fine if she rested it and we got a priest to look at it. Unfortunately, even if we had a priest take care of her right now she would still be limping for a good few hours until her body realized it was healed. Which meant she was out, too.

"Morgan?" I called.

"Yes, sir?" she answered, snapping to attention.

"I want you to bring Maly to one of the quieter rooms and help her change," I said. "You think you're up to playing our lead tonight?"

Morgan's face went slack for a moment before lighting up like a roman candle.

"Sir! I won't let you down, sir!" she said enthusiastically.

"Good," I nodded.

"I'm sorry, milord," Maly mumbled pitifully. "I… I…"

"You need to rest and get better," I said gently. "Because there's still at least a week of shows here, then possibly a tour if we're well enough received. And I know for a fact Morgan still has a day job to worry about. So relax, and feel better. Okay?"

Mollified somewhat, Maly nodded and sullenly let Morgan lead her out of the room. Leaving just me, the stagehands and the two bloodied actors.

"Right," Sige said, smoothing down his ruined costume. "I suppose we should get a priest in here, get our faces fixed up and-"

I turned to the stagehand who had led us in, ignoring the man.

"Get the prop department on fixing up new outfits right now," I said quickly. "Tell them we had an incident, they weren't salvageable."

"But sir, they're just-" Hany started.

"You fuck-knuckles have bled all over them," I pointed out. "They're ruined."

Both men looked sullenly down at themselves, as if noticing the state of themselves for the first time.

"You are both supposed to be professionals," I said, turning to face them both head on. "I do not expect this from professionals that came highly recommended by Olivia, a woman who is currently out there on stage making the rest of us look bad with her fucking perfectionism. While you two, my two leads, brawl like children.

"Sorry, milord." "Sorry, sir."

"Stick your apologies so far up your ass they end up behind your eyes," I said. "Fucking… you both sound like you've been punched in the mouth. Even if we heal you now it won't be enough."

I turned to one of the other stagehands.

"Was there anyone else studying the part?" I asked.

"Not… seriously, sir," the stagehand said. "A few of the others ran lines, but…"

"Dammit," I seethed.

"Well, there's always you, sir," the other stagehand suggested tentatively. "You ran lines, and you even wrote it-"

"Not an option," I cut him off.

"No," Hany said, exchanging a glance with Sige. "No, I think it might be the only option."

"No," I said again.

"He's right," Sige sighed. "We messed up. But I don't want to see this show ruined just because of us."

"No!" I said again.

"Milord, please," Hany said, bowing. "Play the lead role."

"Fuck! No!" I almost shouted.

* * *

I stood at the side of the stage, watching as the dancers came walking off after their final bow. The curtains lowered, and the stagehands quickly set about sweeping and clearing the stage as more of them began to put the backdrops and props for the first scene of the play into place. I had my 'don't fuck with me' face on as the dancers passed me, almost all of them averting their gazes. Only Olivia hesitated, her face shocked as she was hustled past me. Our eyes met, my gaze pleading 'kill me' as she turned to continue looking at me, until she was gone.

From my side Morgan snickered, bumping me in the shoulder.

"You look weird with hair," she commented.

"I will never have sex again," I warned. "You will never be born. Don't push me."

I wore a dark brown wig of yak hair, carefully styled to look as real as possible. My beard was gone, replaced instead with some dark designer stubble where it had once been. My face had been covered in a generous helping of foundation, the make up artist commenting again and again how pretty my lashes were and what a waste it was they were on a man. I looked ten years younger. I felt like a fool.

And worse, I had a feeling I hadn't had in more than a decade.

I had stage fright.

The curtains went up, and the narrator stepped forward to riotous applause. The sound died away as he began to speak, reciting an opening that I knew by heart.

"_Two households, both alike in dignity, In fair Verona, where we lay our scene, From ancient grudge break to new mutiny, Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean_…"

"Here we go," I muttered to myself.

Romeo and Juliet, the bastardized Ylissean version, had begun.

"This is so exciting," Morgan said, bouncing a little.

I sucked in a shuddering breath, wincing at the feeling of air on my upper lip.

The narrator finished, bowing and backing off stage as the first actors went out. I watched for a time, waiting for my cue. They performed their roles perfectly, as if made for them. Shakespeare's bullshit made up version of English had stumped even the most experienced members of their troupe at first, but they had adapted swimmingly, and by the time Prince came on stage I was sold.

"_Could we but learn from whence his sorrows grow. We would as willingly give cure as know._"

"Dad, that's you!" Morgan whispered, bursting with excitement.

"I know!" I hissed back.

I took one last deep breath, glad that the foundation was hiding the nervous blush coloring my face, and stepped out on stage.

I moved languidly, sluggishly, as if the world had lost all meaning to me. Because that's how Romeo is feeling during this scene. He was lovelorn, scorned and depressed. So I had to be, too. It was time to channel my inner teenager.

The crowd went silent as I stepped on stage, no one even daring to move. I didn't dare look out past the lights, past the band pit, to the faces of literally every person I knew watching me.

A few more lines were exchanged as I milled pointlessly about the back of the stage, and as Montague and Lady Montague exited, I stepped forward.

"_Good morrow, cousin,_" Benvolio greeted.

I gave a theatrical sigh. "_Is the day so young?_"

"_But new struck nine_," the actor said.

"_Ay me! sad hours seem long. Was that my father that went hence so fast?_" I asked moodily.

"_It was. What sadness lengthens Romeo's hours?_" the other man asked helpfully.

"_Not having that, which, having, makes them short_," I answered cryptically.

"_In love?_" Benvolio guessed.

"_Out—_" I said, my voice catching.

"_Of love?_" he asked.

"_Out of her favor, where I am in love_," I finally explained.

And so it went. So we performed. I fell back into a role I had never actually played, only been understudy for. I had always played older roles; MacDuff, Claudius, that sort of older man. Hell, I'd even played Puck. This felt odd, especially now I was in my thirties, to be playing a man as young as Romeo. But, judging from the fact I wasn't being booed off stage, I guess I was doing okay.

I was so keyed up when I stepped off stage I even missed Morgan's debut as Juliet. She'd be breaking a lot of hearts tonight, that girl. She'd looked stunning all done up in costume and makeup, and I felt an explosion of pride at what a beautiful young woman she was becoming.

The play continued on, until finally it came the scene where Morgan and I were on stage together, during Capulet's party. Capulet and Tybalt just had their little argument scene about letting Romeo stay, and I slowly sashayed my way up to Morgan across the stage, an eager, boyish grin on my face.

"_If I profane with my unworthiest hand,_" I said in my best come hither voice."_This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this: My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand, To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss._"

"_Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,_" Morgan laughed, drawing back ever-so-slightly from me. "_Which mannerly devotion shows in this; For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch, And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss._"

I stepped forward again, grinning down.

"_Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?_" I asked playfully.

"_Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer,_" Morgan rebuffed.

She stepped away from me, and I reached out to grasp her hand, before I gently pulled her back to me. A small blush spread across Morgan's cheeks, enhanced by the lighting and the masterful application of her makeup.

"_O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do; They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair,_" I intoned.

"_Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake,_" Morgan said, smiling shyly.

"_Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take,_" I said, leaning down again.

Morgan turned up to face me, eyes half lidded as I closed in.

And we both froze, the same thought currently passing between us.

OH FUCK, WE'RE RELATED.

After a moment of hesitation Morgan didn't pull away, nor did she break character. So, I decided 'fuck it' and played the role, performing the scene as it was intended.

And by that, I mean Morgan and I kissed.

My time-travelling daughter and I shared a brief, tender kiss under the spotlights, the entire crowd losing their minds and cheering for the two young lovers in the story.

Morgan, hopefully just playing the part, moved her body against me as we kissed, and wary of blocking the action I turned us a little, pulling her flush against me in the process.

When we finally separated we locked gazes, Morgan's eyes sparkling as she grinned up at me, a much more pronounced blush now on her features as we separated.

"_Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged,_" I said huskily.

"_Then have my lips the sin that they have took?_" Morgan asked, somewhat amorously.

_Doing it for the play, doing it for the play, opening night has to be perfect, it's part of the play… _I desperately thought.

"_Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again,_" I laughed, pulling her close again as the crowd roared their approval.

And Morgan, much to my utter stupefaction, amped things up a notch. If the first kiss was tentative and experimental, this one was a kiss of lust and desire. Much as Romeo and Juliet would no doubt have shared. My senses were overcome as she slipped her tongue into my mouth and I grasped her tight, the roar of the crowd falling away as I simply focused on the play.

Not the kiss.

Not Morgan mewling into my mouth as we passionately embraced.

I focused on the play.

Not the way Morgan dug her nails into my back, just hard enough to be pleasurable.

We were acting.

Not making out on stage.

After a moment that seemed to last an eternity we finally separated, gasping for air. Morgan grinned up at me shyly, fluttering heavy lashes.

"_You kiss by the book,_" she said.

As the scene progressed I found myself in a sort of fugue state, performing the part as well as I could as I kept reminding myself 'it's just for the play'.

Then, once the scene was complete the curtains finally came down on the first act. There was a very brief intermission as the band began to play to fill space and stagehands rushed to change the set and prop pieces from the party to the garden scene, complete with a balcony for Romeo to climb up. This gave us a few moments to catch our breath, and the first thing I did was move for the pile of my clothes I'd left in the corner when I'd changed into this costume. I dug around for only a few moments, pulling out the bottle of whiskey I'd stashed in my jacket (I knew tonight would be stressful, I figured I'd need it sooner or later) and took a very long drink from it.

"Dad! What! The! Fuck!?" Morgan screeched, flying across the backstage area.

I had enough time to spin as Morgan advanced on me, opening my mouth to protest, and then she was there, hiking her dress to kick at my leg and dropping me to my knees, where she wrapped her hands around my throat.

"What! Is! Wrong! With! You!?" She shrieked, strangling me.

"We… were ac-act-ing!" I croaked, struggling against her iron grip. "Ack! Yo-guh-you… kissed…m-me! Ghk!"

"You set the tone!" Morgan cried, her voice shrill. "I went with it!"

To my relief, Morgan's hands were tugged from my neck by a practically glowing Olivia.

"That was incredible!" the dancer gushed, holding both of Morgan's trembling hands in her own. "You two are amazing onstage! Such chemistry! Such passion! Gods, I swooned! I haven't swooned like that for a play since I was a girl!"

"We're related!" Morgan defended, her voice still shrill.

"Which is why the two of you have such great chemistry!" Olivia chided, before turning to me. "What are you doing on the floor?"

"Dropped my whiskey," I croaked, holding up the half-empty bottle.

Morgan snatched it from my hand, upending the bottle and drinking the rest before Olivia and I could get a word in edgewise.

"Well. Okay," I said slowly.

Morgan tossed the empty bottle back to me with a glare.

"I cannot wait to watch you die," she said dangerously.

"You mean in the play, right?" I asked, terrified.

"Oh, I know!" Olivia laughed. "He's been doing such an amazing job I just bet he'll give us a spectacular death!"

"You mean in the play, right? Right?" I repeated, eyes widening.

"One minute, people!" one of the stagehands shouted.

Morgan huffed and turned away, doing a very convincing impersonation of Severa as she stomped away to take her position in the little tower prop we'd had made. Olivia chuckled, reaching down to help me up.

"I'm dead," I groaned, massaging my neck.

"She's just being shy," Olivia chuckled. "You two really are amazing out there."

"Thanks," I said. "Well, if you'll excuse me, the audience awaits."

Olivia blushed, reaching up on her tip-toes and blindsided me by planting a gentle kiss on my lips.

"It's a l-little late but… that was for luck," she said, pulling back. "Now… go knock 'em dead!"

I grinned, feeling a little better.

"You bet your perfectly-toned ass I will," I laughed.

Olivia giggled, swatting me on the arm as I turned away. I made my way back to the stage.

The audience awaited.

* * *

Later that evening, after the thunderous applause at the end of the show and the standing ovation for the actors, dancers and everyone else who had performed throughout the night, I slipped away from the after-party for the cast, crew and certain VIPs at my mansion.

It was fun, and the celebratory mood was intoxicating after the rush of being on stage again. But I just wanted a place to quietly come down from the adrenaline high. My hands were still shaking, hours later. The night air was cool on my skin as I slowly walked, basking in the moonlight and grinning up at the stars as I unconsciously made my way back to the theatre.

Unfortunately, I wasn't alone as I walked.

"My, but that was inspiring," Inigo laughed, ambling alongside me. "I think I'll have to use some of those lines. What was that one about roses?"

"_What's in a name? A rose by any name would smell as sweet,_" I supplied.

"Right, right," Inigo nodded. "Brilliant!"

I rolled my eyes, unable to stop the grin on my face. Admittedly, Inigo wasn't a bad guy. He was just difficult to be around when he went into 'horndog' mode. Although, at present I was in such a good mood I could live with it.

"You pick up using Shakespeare lines, you let me know," I laughed.

We walked along for a while, just shooting the shit and chilling out. The cool night air did wonders to help bring me back down, and the four ales I'd had were starting to cycle through now, so I was feeling pretty good. Once we began to cross the gardens out front of the theatre Inigo went momentarily quiet.

"So why are we heading back to the theatre, anyway?" he asked.

"I just want to bask while it's still mine," I shrugged.

We went inside, passing a few staff members doing a little last-minute cleaning.

"What do you mean?" Inigo asked, furrowing his brow curiously. "Are you giving it to Exalt Chrom or something?"

"No, I'm giving it to-" I started.

"Inigo! Ben!"

I glanced up to the stage, my words cut short by Olivia's shout. She waved merrily from the edge of the stage, smiling brightly in the dim light of the lantern she'd set up on top of one of the piles of props.

"Hey, Pinkie," I greeted.

"Hi mom!" Inigo called. "I'll catch up with you later! I'm heading back to the ladies at the party!"

Inigo spun, sparing me a wink before he disappeared back into the stands. Olivia made an adorable little sound of disappointment as Inigo left, her frown turning back into a radiant smile as I clambered up on stage. I wasn't as young as I used to be, and I was definitely feeling it after all the excitement of the play.

Olivia laughed, bouncing over to me and throwing her arms around my neck in a big hug. Her good mood infectious, I picked her up and we spun a few times.

"Tonight was amazing!" she laughed when I put her back down. "You were amazing!"

"No, you were amazing," I chuckled. "I was adequate. And I look like a kid without the beard."

"Oh, don't sell yourself short," Olivia said. "You performed incredibly as a stand-in with literally no practice! And you look good!"

"I did kind of write the thing," I pointed out.

Olivia smiled up at me again, and all of a sudden I was very aware of how she was still in my arms. We both had yet to clean up after the night's show, and Olivia still had a thin sheen of glitter across her exposed flesh, her musky scent intoxicating at such close proximity. Which made me feel bad, because I no doubt stank to high heaven at present. Olivia seemed to finally notice we were still holding each other, too, pulling away and laughing awkwardly. I suddenly felt cold without her pressed against me.

"So, what're you doing here instead of the party?" I asked, trying to dispel the awkward mood.

Olivia grinned almost girlishly as she threw out her arms and did a slow circle, closing her eyes and leaning her head back.

"I just wanted to soak it in," she said, turning back to me. "One day, I'll have something like this, too. I just… can't wait."

I smirked, crossing my arms and leaning back against the prop tower Morgan had cried 'Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?' from earlier that night.

"What about someday real soon?" I asked. "Like, say… tomorrow?"

The pink-haired dancer scoffed, brushing one long bubblegum strand away from her face as she smiled sadly at me.

"I'm afraid I could save for a lifetime and not have enough to own a theatre this extravagant," she admitted sadly. "Never mind tomorrow."

"And if, say, some bored Duke were to decide it was too much work to keep a theatre this size organized and running smoothly and wanted to get rid of it…" I said, trailing off with another grin.

Olivia gaped for a moment, freezing up. She brought her hands together in front of her chest, her fingers fidgeting with each other in the old nervous tic I rarely saw anymore.

"Ben, if this is a joke… it's… the cruelest thing…" she said, her voice a low whisper. "You know this is my dream…"

"Well, I do so love making dreams come true," I laughed.

I bounced off the tower, taking a few steps across the stage towards Olivia. When I stopped in front of her, she winced, looking up at me with big, wide eyes. I grinned, reaching into my pocket and producing a ring of keys before dangling them between us.

"I haven't got the deed on me, but hopefully this is symbolic enough," I said. "It's yours. All of it. Always was."

"Ben… I…" Olivia hesitated.

"Take them," I said.

"I can't…" she whispered. "I didn't… didn't earn it…"

"You made all this possible," I told her gently. "I wouldn't have even known where to start. I only did this because I had you at my back to keep me going, Olivia. You've always been like that. Always been the one that's supported us, supported me. In the army, hell, even back when we were just Shepherds. Without you… tonight wouldn't have happened."

I stopped, a familiar smirk rising to my face again.

"Which also means that I wouldn't have had to make out with my time-travelling daughter on stage if not for you, so…"

Olivia snorted, clamping her hands over her mouth to stifle her giggles. She looked down, and I jingled the ring of keys hanging off my finger again, making her glance back up at me.

"This is my dream," she said airily.

"I know," I told her.

"And you… you did this… all of this… for me?"

"Well, you and me," I shrugged. "I want Baham to be more than just a logging town and a military base. I want there to be art. I want there to be learning. I want there to be beauty. I want you to help me do that. Consider this a bribe, if it helps."

Olivia sniffled, half-laughing and half-sobbing as I jingled the keys again.

"Take them," I whispered. "I never intended to keep this place."

"You did this for me," she whispered, tearing up.

"'Course I did," I smiled.

Slowly, tentatively, Olivia reached out and took the keys from my hand. She held them in her palm, as if weighing them, looking at the keys as if they were made of glass and would shatter if she were too hasty, before holding them tightly against her chest and looking down at the stage.

"Is… is this really okay?" she asked.

"I'm kinda the Duke," I laughed, reaching out to cup the side of her face. "What I say goes. So yes. It's okay."

Olivia shuddered under my touch, drifting a little closer. I stepped in, gently tilting her face up.

"Thank you," she breathed, tears caught in her lashes.

She covered the last of the space in a flash, throwing herself at me and wrapping her arms around me to pull my lips down to hers. I pulled her in with one hand around her waist, my other moving back to run through her hair before cradling the back of her head as I deepened the kiss. Olivia gave a small gasp, pressing herself against me as our tongues met, the dancer's grace spreading, apparently, even to her tongue's rhythmic movements against my own. The dancer slid against me, our bodies meshing and beginning to grind together as we rocked back and forth a little, Olivia wrapping one leg around the back of mine to hold herself tighter against me as we moved. She was intoxicating in my arms, her scent, her feel, her taste, pressed up against me like this, and soon our kiss reached a fever pitch…

And Olivia pulled away.

"Wait," she gasped, stepping back. "Wait… stop."

"Right," I sighed, internally screaming at myself. "That wasn't fair… sorry…"

"Wh-what?" Olivia squeaked.

"I don't want you to think I'm just giving you the theatre to get into your pants," I said. "I really care about you, Olivia, and I shouldn't have… sorry. Just… sorry."

"Sorry for giving me the most thoughtful gift I've ever gotten?" Olivia laughed, smiling sadly. "Or for… th-the best kiss I've ever had in my life?"

"Woman, don't tease me," I growled, frowning as I turned away. "You're sending really mixed signals right now, and that's not cool."

"I know, I'm sorry!" Olivia said quickly. "I don't think you're just giving me the theatre to… I… I know you really care about me. And I really care about you too, but… but Inigo…."

"What?" I asked, turning back to her. "What about him? Did he say something about the future?"

Olivia shook her head, long pink hair flying about with the motion.

"N-no… but…" she said, bunching in on herself again. "I… want him to be born. I owe it to him, after everything he went through to s-save the world… with us. So… I… until I find out wh-who his f-father is…"

I gave a long, deflating sigh as I turned away again. It hurt to even look at her right now.

"Don't worry," I said, shaking my head. "I get it."

"Y-you do?" Olivia asked hopefully.

"I wouldn't do anything to risk not having Morgan," I said, running a hand over the top of my head. "So yeah. I get it."

We looked at each other a moment, sad, terrible heartbreaking understanding passing between us as-

"WILL YOU TWO PLEASE JUST FUCK ALREADY!?"

We both jumped a foot into the air as the shout echoed around the empty theatre, followed by a second desperate voice.

"Morgan are you out of your fucking mind!?"

"No! No, I'm so sick of seeing them dance around each other!"

"Morgan, stop it, we swore we wouldn't interfere!"

"Fuck! That! Do you know how much I've spent on hair dye over the years!? No, this ends today!"

"Dammit, Morgan! Stop! Stoppit!"

"Fucking let me go or I'll-"

There was a strangled yelp and Inigo went crashing over the railing above the seating area. Fortunately, he didn't have far to fall as the nearest seats were only about two or three feet lower, but he landed heavily and Olivia and I both involuntarily winced in sympathy.

Then Morgan appeared at the top of the aisle, stomping down the stairs with a look of frustrated rage on her pretty face. Inigo righted himself and hurried to follow, arriving at the stage at almost the exact same time she did, brushing his hair back from his face into its usual style.

"You two were doing so well," Morgan seethed. "And then you had to go and fucking ruin it."

"Actually, I'd say it's you killing the mood right now," Inigo said.

Morgan punched him in the shoulder without even looking.

"Shut. Up," she growled, glaring at him out of the corner of her eye.

"You!" she snapped, facing Olivia. "He may as well have just proposed! We can all see how into each other you two are! For fuck's sake, you even retired to the same city! Mom, I love you to bits, but you need to sack up!"

"And you!" she snapped, rounding on me. "I've seen you go from zero to balls-deep in half an hour! Will you please just do the deed!? Please!? Just! Fuck! Already!"

"Morgan, gods!" Inigo wailed, covering his ears. "These are our parents! I don't need to think about them… ugh… gross…"

"You are not helping!" Morgan shouted, rounding on Inigo again.

Inigo closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened them again, he placed both hands on Morgan's shoulders, giving her a wide smile.

"Morgan, I love you, but you need to shut the fuck up now," Inigo said sweetly.

Morgan opened her mouth to continue, but Inigo spun her around, wrapping one arm around her middle to pin her arms and clapping the other hand over her mouth. Her muffled screams didn't quite echo, but we all got the hint that she was displeased. Inigo grinned bashfully up at us.

"Sorry, wasn't quite how I wanted you two to find out, but you know what Morgan's like," he chuckled. "I'll get rid of her, try and get her drunk at the party so she passes out and stops shouting. You two look like you have a lot to talk about. Mom. Dad. I'll see you later."

Inigo then proceeded to drag a struggling Morgan from the theatre like a fucking pro, like he'd done this thing a million times. She struggled and screamed around his hand the whole time, and judging from the cursing she managed to bite him at one point, but in only a few minutes Olivia and I were left alone in the theatre again, watching where the two time-travelers had been with matching dumbfounded looks on our faces.

We turned, our eyes meeting… and we both simultaneously burst into laughter.

We laughed for what had to be ten minutes straight, until we were both doubled over and gasping for breath. I gave a little sigh, straightening and wiping the tears from the corner of my eye as I shook my head.

"That's girl's gonna be the death of me," I chuckled. "So… uh…"

That was as far as I got before Olivia was on me again. Only this time, I wasn't expecting her, and as our lips met, I toppled backwards, landing flat on my back as we kissed again.

"I guess… this means we're… getting married now?" I asked between kisses.

Olivia pulled back, giving me an impish little smile that damn-near stopped my heart.

"You bet your perfectly-toned ass it does," she whispered in my ear. "But you're still growing the beard back."

I grinned up at the dancer looking down at me with alluring, half-lidded eyes.

"Yes, ma'am," I laughed, leaning up for another kiss.

* * *

I let out a satisfied breath, rising up from where I'd been crouching and wiping the sweat from my brow with the back of my hand. Another year, another summer in Baham, another chance to clean and repair the roof to the Royal Baham Theatre. It had been almost three years now since that first opening night, that perfect, golden evening where…

"Daddy! We're hungry!"

I sighed, letting my shoulders droop as the maintenance crew positioned around me chuckled.

"The more things change, the more they stay the same, right?" I muttered to myself, scooting towards the edge of the roof.

I glanced down, Noire glaring up at me with her fists on her hips. She was older now, almost too old for me to carry, standing brazenly with feet spread wide as she called to me. Behind her Elle sighed, my poor maid as put-upon as ever.

Only now…

"Noire, be nice, your daddy's almost done," Olivia gently scolded. "We'll go get some lunch after that."

"Sorry, mama Olivia," Noire said in a suitably chastised tone.

Olivia just smirked, seeing right through the act, and bent down to plant a kiss on the top of the girl's head. "Just be patient, okay sweetie?"

"No, I'm basically done up here," I called down, before turning back to the maintenance guys. "You guys, uh…"

"We're fine, milord," one of them laughed. "Go ahead. We can handle the rest."

I nodded, smiling as I slid down the ladder to the ground. As soon as my feet hit the cobblestone path a little grey blur shot towards my legs, Inigo wrapping his arms around one leg as he smiled up at me.

"Up!" my son cried joyously.

"Alright, kiddo," I laughed, bending to lift him into my arms.

He laughed and squealed as I lifted him high, before settling into my arms against my shoulder.

Olivia bounced forward, a bundle containing newborn-Morgan held closely to her chest, and leaned over the two kids to give me a quick peck on the lips. She had begun to dress more conservatively once Inigo had been born, wearing a long cream skirt and a stylish white blouse that did nothing to hide her dancer's physique.

"Come on," she said with a smile. "Tharja's supposed to meet us at the mansion for lunch. You don't want to keep her waiting."

I scoffed, taking little Noire's hand with my free hand and walking side by side with my family back towards our home.

"Why do you think I left Su'ko at the mansion?" I asked under my breath.

Olivia just laughed, leaning over to kiss my cheek.

* * *

**AN2019: ****OH GOD. I AM GOING. TO GO. TO HELL. FOR THAT SCENE. ****Why **_**Romeo and Juliet**_**? Just for that one scene. I'm also a huge fan of The Bard, and his tragedies have long been a huge influence in my own work. It was nice to make as many quotes and references as I could in one story, though. **


	6. Self Insert Dark Preview 1

**Metallover's Self Insert Dark Preview: Chapter 1**

"Oh fuck. Oh my head. Ow. Ow. Ow."

I groaned, futilely raising a hand to shield my eyes from the sunlight.

"Well. Shit. Guess I'm dead."

I let out a long sigh, letting my hand drop back to the ground and doing my best to ignore the blinding light from above me.

I'd go into the light when I was good and fucking ready, thank you very much.

At least I didn't feel any pain. I always thought being literally eviscerated, gutted like a fish, would hurt a lot more than it had. God bless the human nervous system for sending me into shock almost immediately.

Although looking at my insides being on my outside was fairly distressing.

I shuddered, not yet willing to open my eyes.

If this were heaven, or paradise, or wherever good boys and girls went when they died, I'd probably be fine. Maybe a new scar to add to the roster. If this was hell… well, I'd probably be feeling it by now.

With a low groan, I decided that nothing would happen if I just lay there, and risked cracking my eyes a little.

A cheery mid-summer sky, a few wisps of fluffy white cloud drifting lazily through the blue, met my gaze. A cool breeze blew, the leaves above me swaying in the wind and causing the shade to drift with it.

"Well, at least this isn't Hell," I sighed, closing my eyes again.

I lifted my hands, feeling oddly sluggish about it, and patted down my stomach. When my fingers didn't find a giant gaping cavity, I opened my eyes again, looking down at my ruined coat and shirt. This had to be some kind of trick, some kind of joke of the demons in charge of torturing me in hell.

My stomach was whole. No marks, no scars.

_No scars._

I knew for a fact I'd had a couple of smaller stab and arrow scars on my gut. Now they were gone.

My groping hands travelled up my torso to my chest, finding only chest hair and dense muscle. I blinked in astonishment, pulling my hands out of the ruined remains of my clothes and looking down at my knuckles. Smooth, unblemished skin covered my hands and arms. My consciousness drifted to the rest of my body, amazingly finding none of the aches and pains I'd become used to after years of fighting and training. Not even a twinge in my back.

"Holy fuck is this actually heaven?" I breathed, looking around.

The only response I was given was another gust of wind, the trees rustling around me.

"This is weird," I said after another moment.

Experimentally, I clambered to my feet. When my guts didn't fall out around my shoes, I made a small thoughtful noise and started to move my arms and legs around in little circles. Feeling like a dumbass, I took a moment to inspect my utterly trashed clothes. There were tears in my jeans around my knees, not surprising really. My jacket was simply fucked, and as I rose it actually fell off of me in tatters. A shame; I'd really grown attached to it. My shirt had fared slightly better, but still, I'd need a new one pretty fast. It only had one sleeve left and covered my chest and half my stomach, but since I'd lost the gut it wasn't so embarrassing as it could have been. I reached around to my back, letting out a relieved sigh as my fingers brushed the comforting, familiar contours of my trench knives. Everything else was gone. Even my scabbard.

"This is weird," I repeated, looking around.

I pinched my cheek, stubble grating beneath my fingers. It hurt. I slapped my face. It hurt. I flicked my balls. It…

"Agh, that was dumb," I groaned as I doubled over.

… _hurt._

I took a deep breath rising back up. I was alive.

"I'm alive!" I laughed. "Yeah! Fuck yeah! Fuck you, Grima, you scaly six eyed bitch! Whoo! Fuck! Yeah! Eat my ass!"

As my delirious laughter died down, I let my head droop, running a hand over my smooth head, blinking back tears.

"I'm alive," I said, choking up.

I ran my hands over my face and then over my stomach again, just to be sure everything was where it was supposed to be.

Then I promptly fell to my knees and started dry-heaving.

"Holy shit, that was too close," I groaned between heaves.

Fortunately, there apparently wasn't a lot in my stomach to puke up. I think it was more just the shock of the fact I was still alive, and all in one piece, that did it.

But that raised the question: how was I not injured at all? Had Naga done some sort of weird healing shit? And perhaps more importantly, where the fuck was I?

The most obvious scenario was I had been dropped somewhere along the Plegian or Feroxi coast. Slightly less likely was I'd been deposited somewhere along the east Valm coast or on one of the Southern Islands. But, really, there was old magic involved and I could be fucking anywhere.

I took a deep breath, flopping backwards against the trunk of the tree I was beneath, and tried to piece together what had happened to me.

We'd assaulted Grima, all piss and vinegar and righteous fury, and as per the game-script we'd had our asses initially handed to us. Then Naga had shown up, fixed us up, and Robin and I had coordinated a two-pronged assault that had utterly decimated Grima's most powerful Risen. Then we'd rushed Grima's Avatar, the corrupted time-travelling version of Robin and…

And…

"Oh fuck," I whispered, my eyes slowly widening.

And I had been the one to accidentally land the killing blow when Grima had gotten a lucky shot on me.

"Okay. Shit. What did this do to the timeline?" I wondered aloud.

Naga had been very specific that nothing _from this world _aside from Grima's own energy would kill the evil dragon. Hell, nothing aside from Naga's own power could even hurt the smarmy, scaly fuck. But, using Lord of the Rings logic, I'd been secretly keeping my own potential ability to hurt Grima, even in the long odds, to myself. Judging from the way Grima's Avatar had reacted when I'd stabbed her, I'd accomplished something. Something aside from pissing her off enough to encourage her blasting me point-blank with enough force to disembowel me, that is.

Damn I was really hung up on that. Must've been some PTSD or something.

So, then, had Grima sent me away? But why was I healed? And why so far, apparently, inland?

With another groan I rose back to my feet and dusted myself off.

Sitting there and pondering what had happened wouldn't get me anywhere.

If I wanted answers, I'd have to go find them.

"Ugh. Life sucks," I groaned, stepping out into the sunlight and shielding my eyes.

I just hoped everyone was alive and, at worst, I'd missed the fireworks when Robin finished Grima off. Worse came to worst, I could at least train baby Lucina myself and make her a slightly more well-rounded person as well as the killing machine I'd come to know and tolerate…

With a little smirk at how familiar this felt to when I'd first arrived in Ylisse, I chose a direction at random and started walking.

* * *

I walked for a few hours, silently feeling the guilt mount as I enjoyed a leisurely stroll through what I was now sure was Ylissean countryside, all while my closest friends and allies still potentially fought for the fate of this world against Grima.

Even though I had, in fact, done a fair bit of work in that fight I still felt guilty about not being there at the end.

It was odd, though, that I was back in Ylisse. I mean, back in Ylisse without the fanfare and the work and the 'hey we just saved the world!' It felt weird being back in Ylisse alone. It had been so long since I'd been alone I'd almost forgotten how much I enjoyed it. I gave a deep, content sigh as I stopped and leaned my head back, just allowing myself to bask in the moment.

The sun warming me, despite my rags…

The breeze washing over me…

The scent of wildflowers and the distant pines of the mountains…

"Hail, friend!"

I opened one eye and half-heartedly glared at the person interrupting my very rare opportunity to bask in my own presence. This weak, one-eyed glare soon turned into a wide-eyed expression of disbelief for a moment before I got it under control.

Chrom, Lissa and Frederick were approaching me, all smiles and waving and without even meaning to I found myself smiling and waving back.

"Oh, thank fuck," I groaned, moving to meet them. "You guys have no idea how worried I was! So? Did we win?"

"I'm sorry?" Chrom asked, face twisting with a slight hint of confusion.

"You know, against big, scaly and ugly," I said, eyes narrowing. "Where's everyone else? Back at the capital already?"

Chrom and Frederick exchanged a glance, and from their stances I could tell something was wrong. They were too wary, too… too tense. Lissa drifted behind the pair a little, Chrom and Frederick stepping forward.

"What's going on, guys?" I asked slowly.

"Perhaps you could tell us?" Chrom suggested slowly.

I opened my mouth to respond, but blinked a few times instead. Now that the trio were closer, I could tell they looked somewhat… different. Younger. Lissa's hair was shorter, her hips narrower. Chrom's arms, while still muscular, were still thin. Frederick didn't have frown lines or crow's feet.

Then it hit me.

The epilogue for the game.

Where Robin, the player character, wakes up in the field again.

Back at the start of the game.

"Oh, fuck the_ pope_," I groaned, running a hand over the top of my head.

It had been so long since I'd been back in my own world, so long since I'd considered the plot of the game, that I'd actually forgotten that this could happen. Of course, I hadn't been expecting this to happen to me, considering I hadn't intended on killing Grima in the first place, but still…

"Enough of this!" Frederick growled, stepping forward. "You will not use such foul language in front of-"

The big knight brought his hand up to grab my scruff, and I acted on heavily-trained, overly-drilled instinct. I grabbed Frederick's wrist and, using his momentum and weight against him, I flipped him over my shoulder and onto the grass with a perfect Judo throw that Say'ri had taught me. Then as part of the same movement, again totally on instinct, I twisted that arm around in a police hold and jammed the big man's face into the dirt as I stuck my knee into the small of his armored back. Grinding my kneecap against his armor was far from pleasant, but he wasn't going anywhere any time soon.

Okay, maybe some repressed desires were making their way to the forefront here after all the shit he'd put me through over the years…

The simple fact that I'd thrown Frederick, _Frederick_ of all people, so easily and now had him stuck in such a simple hold proved unequivocally that this was the past.

I glanced up at the sound of a sword being unsheathed, holding up my free hand non-threateningly. While still keeping a very angry Frederick pinned.

"Easy, sorry," I said slowly. "This is a misunderstanding. You three look… similar to my friends, and I'm not wearing my glasses. Spectacles. Whatever. So… sorry."

"So let my friend up," Chrom said evenly.

"What about it, bub? You gonna hit me if I let you up?" I asked, glancing down at the back of Frederick's head.

"Yes!" he growled dangerously, kicking his legs ineffectually.

"Then you can stay in the dirt for a while," I shrugged, tightening my hold and looking back at Chrom.

A thought occurred to me. A number of thoughts, actually. What now? Were we still fated to fight against Grima again? Was Lucina still going to travel back in time? What about Robin? Would they even be the same people I remembered? Would they remember me? What about the others? Clearly Chrom, Frederick and Lissa didn't, so would anyone else? If nothing else, I needed these questions answered.

"Hey, have you guys seen a woman with white hair around here anywhere?" I asked pleasantly, like I wasn't still pushing Frederick into the dirt. "She's a friend of mine, and I'm kinda worried about her."

"We haven't seen anyone, no," Chrom said, his tone still even, perhaps even bemused. "We would be happy to help you look in exchange for releasing out friend, though."

"I object!" Frederick growled.

"Noted," I smirked, getting off his back.

Frederick was up just as fast as I was in a surge of steel and anger, and despite the fact I was clearly over-leveled compared to him I made a mental note not to underestimate him.

"Milord, I object to this plan!" Frederick started. "We know-"

"Nothing of who I am, where I'm from or what I want," I cut him off. "Let me save you time. I'm Ben, I'm from Ylisstol and I want to find my friend. I'm not a bandit and I'm not here to hurt the Prince or Princess. Capeesh?"

Frederick snarled, stepping between me and the other two as Chrom chuckled and shook his head.

"Will you relax already?" I asked. "I'm from Ylisstol. Kinda hard not to know who these two are."

"Liar," Frederick spat. "I've never seen you before."

"Oh, and I suppose you know everyone in the city by name?" I asked with a smirk.

"Well, no, but…" Frederick mumbled.

"Enough, Frederick," Chrom said, placing a hand on the knight's shoulder.

"But, milord," he protested weakly.

"Down, boy," I chuckled. "Heel. Good knight."

"I will kill you," Frederick growled.

"You can try," I shrugged.

"I said enough," Chrom said, somewhat more forcefully as he put himself between us.

"Sorry," I sighed. "I'm kinda… keyed up right now."

"You are worried about your friend," Chrom nodded, misunderstanding completely. "I understand."

There was a moment of awkward silence, all of us eyeing each other. Chrom and Frederick exchanged a glance, and I used the opportunity to lean around Chrom and give Lissa a friendly little grin. She blinked in surprise as I leaned back and gave Chrom my best winning 'Chrom-smile'.

"Sooooooo… about my friend?" I asked.

"Yes," Chrom nodded.

"It could still be a trap, milord," Frederick cautioned.

"Dude, if I wanted you dead I would've done it when I had you in the dirt," I scoffed.

Frederick's lips pressed into a thin line as he blushed in shame and rage, and Chrom shot me a warning glance. I was pretty sure I heard Lissa snicker from behind her brother, though.

"Just sayin'," I shrugged.

"We cannot ignore a person in need," Chrom said slowly. "What does your friend look like?"

"About yea tall," I said, holding my hand just above my head. "White hair in twintails, hourglass figure, most beautiful woman you'll ever meet. Wears a black cloak that's a size too big for her."

"I… see," Chrom said slowly.

Lissa huffed, pushing past Chrom to speak to me.

"What's her name?" she asked.

"Robin," I supplied, grinning at the younger girl.

"And what happened to your clothes!?" Lissa asked, suddenly aghast. "Are you hurt!?"

"Oh, there's bandits around here," I shrugged, lying through my teeth. "I'm fine. Got my ass kicked a little, but I sent em packing. After they took all my shit. My clothes copped the worst of it. It's why I'm worried about my friend, though."

"Then we have to find her," Lissa said, pointedly glaring at Chrom and Frederick.

"She's probably around here somewhere," I said helpfully.

"Then we will spread out and look," Chrom nodded.

* * *

We spread out and started combing through the light underbrush for nearly an hour, slowly making our way through the field. It was weird being around these people, who had been such a huge part of my life for so long, and having myself mean nothing to them. To them, I was a stranger. A weird, irreverent, random guy they'd picked up out in the wilderness.

Oh god.

I was a medieval hitch-hiker.

I had to quash a small feeling of resentment more than a few times at the idea that they didn't remember me. It wasn't really their fault. For all I knew, I'd gone back in time. Of course they wouldn't know me.

_Oh god, what does it say about my life when time-travel barely phases me anymore? _I thought to myself as we searched, shaking my head a little. _My life has become a fucking DC comic and I don't even care. Oh god. I came back to life. I was Jason Todd. _

Eventually, smack bang in the middle of the field, Chrom called out, waving his hand high to call us over. Frederick and Lissa both beat me there, the big knight even stopping to give Lissa a lift on his horse.

I looked down at the beautiful sleeping features of the woman that had once been my best friend as I approached, ignoring the opening cinematic as it played out right before me.

Robin lay in the long grass, her sleeping face peaceful and her chest rising and falling as if nothing were amiss.

"Well? What do we do?" Lissa asked, leaning over her.

"What do you mean?" Chrom asked.

"Well we can't just leave her there!" Lissa squawked.

I cleared my throat, grinning and ignoring the conflicting emotions I was currently feeling as I stepped forward.

"Allow me," I offered.

Chrom nodded as I knelt down next to Robin, gently brushing a few strands of hair from her face before, with a spin of my wrist as a flourish, I pinched her nose closed.

"Um, I don't think…" Chrom started, trailing off when I held up my finger for silence.

I heard Lissa stifling her giggles, and just as I began to grow concerned that Robin would suffocate due to some stupid joke, her eyes shot open and she sucked a huge breath in through her mouth.

"What!? What!?" Robin gasped, looking at the faces surrounding her.

I mentally braced myself for what I knew was about to happen. If this was way back at the beginning of the game, she'd still be amnesiac. Which meant she wouldn't remember any of us. She wouldn't remember me.

"Morning, sleepy-head," I grinned, leaning back a little. "Rise and shine."

"There are better places to take a nap than the ground, you know," Chrom added with his genial Chrom-smile.

I rolled my eyes, shouldering the younger man aside as I offered Robin my hand.

"C'mon, Robin, up and at em," I sighed. "We've got shit to do."

The white-haired woman looked up at me with vacant eyes, hesitantly reaching out to take my hand as if by reflex.

I felt another pang in my chest as I gently pulled Robin up. This Robin was so different from the one I had known. It was her eyes. So blank. So listless and dispirited. Her movements had none of the vital energy that had characterized the woman I had loved like family, like a sister. It hurt me to look at her, but if nothing else I had become an adept liar in Ylisse, and I smiled reassuringly at her.

"Th-thank you, but… do I know you?" she asked slowly. "And who… who is Robin? Is that me?"

"What?" I asked, dropping her hand. "What're you talking about?"

"I… I don't know," Robin mumbled. "I don't… remember? Who are you?"

A note of panic tinged her voice as her eyes widened and she took a deep, shuddering breath.

"Who am I?" she asked. "Why don't I remember anything?"

I stepped forward, not having to fake the concern on my face as I placed my hands on her shoulders.

"Robin. Stop. Take a breath," I instructed her. "Your name is Robin. You know that."

"No, I don't!" she cried.

"Oh! I've heard of this! It's called amnesia!" Lissa piped up from somewhere behind me.

"It's called a load of pegasus dung," Frederick grumbled. "Milord, milady, I believe we are being taken for a con here-"

"Shut the fuck up!" I snarled over my shoulder.

I felt Robin jump a little at my sudden shout under my hands, but, when I turned back to her, she was looking at me with open curiosity. She was just a shade taller than me, though, so she was looking down at me.

"Who are you?" she asked again, tilting her head a little.

"You know me, Robin," I told her, my voice becoming somewhat ragged. "It's Ben. I'm your friend, dammit."

Oddly enough, I didn't have to fake the desperation I was radiating. I realized that I really did want Robin to remember me. I wanted someone to remember what we had gone through together, what we had, all of us, already sacrificed. Even if we had to do it all again.

Robin looked down a little, and shook her head.

"I'm sorry… but I don't… remember…"

A crushing feeling of loneliness almost overwhelmed me but I clenched my teeth and stomped it down, hiding the borderline despair I was feeling by taking a deep breath.

"Well, I've heard of this kind of thing, but I've never seen it in reality before," I said, almost conversationally. "Did you take a blow to the head or something?"

Robin glanced back up, her fingers experimentally probing through her thick white hair to feel her head. After a moment she shook her head, frowning again.

"I don't think so," she said.

She seemed calmer. Robin had always been slow to panic or anger, but whenever she had it had always been easy to bring her back down with calm logic. Clearly, that was something intrinsic to her personality, rather than learned.

I nodded, cupping my chin and stroking my beard.

"Okay, then maybe it's magical?" I suggested.

I spun, as if I had just remembered the three Shepherds were there.

"Um. Princess Lissa, if it's not too much trouble…" I said, indicating her staff.

"Oh! Yeah, maybe it'll help!" the princess said cheerfully.

Frederick scowled and stomped forward towards me, glaring down the entire time.

"Very well, but you will be taking three steps back," he growled at me. "I still do not trust you."

"Frederick, you don't trust anyone but the Shepherds," Chrom laughed.

I smirked, too, as I stepped back the demanded three steps. But it was a cold, humorless smirk.

"Remember, if I wanted you dead…" I said, just loud enough so that only Frederick would hear me.

I swear, I heard his teeth grinding from a meter away.

If I knew Frederick, and by now I knew him pretty damn well, I wouldn't be able to enjoy being a higher level than him for long. So, I would just have to lord it over him as long as I could.

Lissa skipped up obliviously, Chrom sticking protectively close, and held her staff up to Robin. The tactician in question just blinked placidly, watching as if all of this were happening to someone else. A small, pale blue light emitted from the gem at the top of Lissa's staff, moving to envelop Robin's head for a moment. The taller woman smiled gently at the comforting feel of the healing magic, and all too soon it was done.

"There! How's that?" Lissa chirped. "Remember anything yet?"

Robin scrunched up her face in thought for a moment before sighing and shaking her head.

"No, it appears not," she said dejectedly.

"I did hear that sometimes a blow to the head could rattle some memories loose," I suggested, leaning around Frederick with a grin.

"I am not letting you hit me in the head," Robin frowned.

"Good, at least you're still as smart as you ever were," I laughed.

I leaned back, grinning up at Frederick.

"Permission to approach my friend?" I asked.

He just glared down at me, eyes narrowing.

"Ah! That's a yes!" I laughed, slipping around the taller man.

Once again, I was sure I could hear Frederick's rage. I was pretty damn sure I could feel it in his aura, too. Man, it felt good to finally be better than the pretentious jackoff, but I knew it wouldn't last.

And I would suffer for it eventually.

But right now, it was the only good thing about this whole kerfuffle.

"How're you feeling?" I asked, approaching Robin. "Any aches? Pains? Any sudden urges to destroy all of humanity?"

Lissa gave an amused, very un-lady-like snort as Robin smirked a little.

"No aches or pains, although that last one…" she trailed off.

"Yeah, I get that one, too," I shrugged.

On a whim I stepped forward, brushing the grass and twigs out of her hair. She just looked at me with that same blank, curious expression and I rolled my eyes as I tugged the lapels of her coat into place, before patting the dirt off it.

"God, look at you," I frowned. "You're a mess, girl. I see now you really have lost your memory to treat your coat this bad. You love this thing."

"You said you knew me," Robin asked, a slight hint of amusement coloring her tone. "Just how close were we?"

I gave her my best lopsided, cheeky grin.

"Close enough to constantly piss off your… father," I said, stumbling at the end.

I had been about to say 'husband'. This Robin, this version of Robin, didn't have a partner yet. They hadn't even met yet.

I smiled again, somewhat sadly this time, as I finished patting the dirt off her beloved coat, I gently rested my hands on her shoulders.

"It'll be okay," I told her gently. "We'll figure this out."

Robin nodded and smiled brightly.

"I believe you," she said.

As Robin stepped in and wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug, I couldn't help but wonder to myself _what the fuck am I even doing?_

"Aw, that's so sweet!" Lissa cooed.

"And just like that, the moment is gone," I laughed.

* * *

**AN2019: Well, this one ought to be a little interesting. This story, creatively titled Metallover's Self Insert Dark, is another 'Apocryphal Tale' style story. Only difference is the plot, this time, sees the SI!Ben running off to take over Plegia with the time-travelling Grima at the start of the story! You'll also notice that I titled the story a 'preview'. That's because this is a (P)atreon-first piece, and I'm just sharing the first two chapters here as advertising. Want to read more? I post a new chapter of this story there every month! **

**Follow me on twitter! -metalloverCAB**

**Please consider supporting me on (P)atreon! For just a dollar a month you get early access to chapters! An entire month in advance before I post them here! Five bucks gets you two, count 'em _two_, chapters of an exclusive Self Insert short (complete with original artwork in every chapter)! **

**There's a Discord channel you can join to chat, too! It's brand-spankin' new at this point! **

**Check it all out, links are all on my bio page! Thanks for reading, and Nagaspeed! **


	7. Self Insert Dark Preview 2

**Metallover's Self Insert Dark Preview: Chapter 2**

"Chrom, we have to do something!"

We stood on the hill overlooking Southtown as bandits ran roughshod over the populace, starting fires and breaking shit and just generally being a nuisance. Oddly enough, I remember the skirmish being a lot more chaotic than what I was seeing now. The gift of experience, apparently.

"We will," Chrom told her with a reassuring nod. "Ben, Robin, stay up here where it's safe."

"Sorry, Chrom, but I like Southtown," I shrugged. "I'm going in."

"Me too!" Robin piped up from my shoulder. "I have a spellbook! I can cast magic!"

"Your favorite spell is Thunder," I supplied helpfully. "Should be pretty easy for you to cast."

"Ooh! Thanks!" Robin smiled.

God damn this Robin's easy smile was like shards of ice in my heart. So similar, yet just… different. Wrong.

"Very well, I will not fault you for wanting to help," Chrom said slowly. "But, Ben, you are unarmed."

I shrugged and yanked the wicked, curved trench knives from their scabbards on the small of my back. Judging from the way Chrom and Lissa both stepped back, they hadn't noticed the weapons.

"Not quite," I said with a small grin. "Now, we doing this?"

"Very well, but stay behind me," Chrom conceded. "You're not wearing any armor, after all."

"Now where have I heard that before?" I muttered to myself with a small shake of my head.

We advanced down into the village with no real tactical order. I forcibly kept my mouth shut on the matter; Robin needed to be the tactician here, not me. My interference last time clearly amounted to jack shit, so perhaps this time letting events play out the way they were supposed to was the best thing to let happen? I didn't know. There was so much going on, so much I needed to sort through, that I was muddled and lost in my own head. The only thing really keeping me focused was the presence of the apparently-once-more-amnesiac woman behind me.

I glanced over my shoulder as casually as I could, and my gaze met with a very nervous-looking Robin's. She did her best to grin confidently, but even Chrom would have been able to see through it, the attempt was that weak. And Chrom was not the brightest tool in the shed, so that was_ really_ saying something.

"Whatever happens, don't leave my side," I told her in a low voice.

"Oh, trust me, I won't," she said shakily. "You, uh, do know how to use those, yeah?"

I glanced down at the knives in my hands, fingers tightening on the worn leather of the handles as my fingers flexed in anticipation. It felt natural, holding these two daggers. Even if I had gone back in time, even if I had started again, they had come with me, my one constant through the last time, and my one constant this time. Even still, I could almost smell the sour, metallic tang of all the blood I'd spilled with them, and it brought a frown to my face.

"Ben?" Robin asked, somewhat desperately.

"Yes," I said slowly, looking away. "I know how to use them."

Robin went silent, tagging along at the back of the group with Lissa as I became lost in my own thoughts. Just like I always did before a battle. I was interested to note that even Chrom looked a little nervous; focused, but nervous. Frederick didn't yet seem to carry that unflappable resolve we had grown accustomed to seeing on the man, and just looked grim. Lissa was an interesting shade of green. And I felt nothing. No fear. No apprehension. No nerves. This was just another day at the office for me, some rough and ragged bandits in need of a good ass-whooping. I'd done this a million times, and, apparently, I'd do it a million more.

We stepped onto the paved streets leading to the central fountain square where the majority of the action would be taking place, and automatically I hit that state of hyperawareness, that familiar quickening, that comes along at the start of a battle. Everything became clear, no time travel bullshit hanging over my head, no questions about multiverse theory or what was happening. Just me, my knives, and some bandits in need of slaying.

This, I could do.

So, when the first bandit came around the corner and Chrom was still fumbling with his sword, Frederick was busy putting himself between the enemy and Lissa, and Robin froze like a deer in the headlights, I was already moving forward.

Without so much as a grunt I surged forward, black-bladed daggers reflecting sunlight dully as I moved.

The poor bastard didn't even know what hit him.

Apparently, I was nursing some pent-up aggression from current happenings. The bandit that I fell upon didn't even get the chance to scream. One strike knocked his axe aside, one pierced his heart, and the backswing on the first strike opened his throat in a torrent of blood that suddenly made me glad I wasn't wearing my favorite jacket. The bandit dropped with a wet thud, and I wrinkled my nose in disgust.

"Agh, good god," I groaned, wiping the blood off my arms as I stepped over the body. "I do not remember this being so messy. I'm gonna need new clothes. Fuck's sake."

I stopped walking when I realized that none of the others were following me. I looked back to find four shocked, pale faces watching me. The fear on Robin's face was hurtful. The terror on Lissa's damn near killed me.

"What?" I snapped. "This is what we're here for, right?"

"R-right!" Chrom agreed, rushing to join me.

The others filed along behind us, Frederick keeping a watchful eye on his charges while Robin kept looking at me with newfound respect. Or possibly terror. Probably a mix of the two.

"You are… quite skilled," Chrom commented after a few moments of awkward silence.

"Occupational necessity, unfortunately," I shrugged as we walked.

"What was it you said you did?" Chrom asked curiously.

I glanced over at him, giving the young Prince a very dangerous grin.

"I didn't."

We came into the town square, where the tutorial mission took place, and I had to scoff at the piss-poor excuse for a raid these bandits were conducting. Really, it was like they'd never razed a town before.

I had.

Enemy camps in Valm the size of small towns; abandoned villages taken over by enemy soldiers; villages not yet abandoned that housed Grimleal elements… none of these eventualities were pretty. I still had nightmares about them. I still smelled the smoke, heard the screams. Every night.

But because of that hard-earned experience, I knew that this particular assault wasn't an attempt to destroy the town. If they were planning on destroying the town with numbers like these, it would have been much, much easier to block the main roads in and out and light the outer buildings on fire, then just kill anyone trying to escape; the fire would spread, doing most of the work for them. Some would probably get away, but there wasn't even an entire squad's worth of men here. No, this was an attack to sow discord, to create panic. A medieval terror attack, plain and simple.

"Robin, call it," I said over my shoulder.

"What?" came her confused reply as Chrom spun to face us.

"You didn't forget all that studying you did, too, did you?" I smirked. "Tactics should be ingrained in your brain, like muscle memory. So. Call it. What do we do?"

"I don't know if this is… I mean… I don't know if I can…" she stammered, put on the spot.

I rolled my eyes as Chrom and Frederick both glared at me. Clearly, I was pushing Chrom a little far, but realistically I hadn't even had a chance to unpack my own death yet, let alone the idea I would have to relive all the bullshit war and death and stuff again, so I was a little low on the tolerance level for their usual namby-pamby dancing around a problem bullshit.

"Robin," I said, getting her attention. "Look. Think. Feel. Tell us what you see. If you can't, I can. So, no pressure."

"Who are you two?" Chrom asked.

"Later," I snapped, before clearing my throat and adding "uh, milord."

Frederick made a sound like a woodchipper with a small horse stuck in it, but Chrom remained silent as Robin studied the soon-to-be-battlefield. She glanced over to me, and I gave her an encouraging nod.

"Okay, Frederick rides around the south and up the eastern edge of the square," she said. "While the rest of us push up the middle. I'd prefer to have a second flanking team on the west, but we don't have those numbers or the mobility, so…"

"Sounds good to me," I said. "Objections?"

"Yes-" Frederick started.

"No, it's a sound plan," Chrom cut him off. "We'll do it. We don't have the time to argue."

"Very well, milord," Frederick grumbled, swinging up into his saddle.

"Go!" Chrom ordered.

With a shout Frederick urged his mount forward, swinging his glinting silver lance through the air to get the bandits' attention. Chrom and I formed up, Robin and Lissa at our backs, and began to advance on the main bandit position as Frederick engaged the outliers, herding them back towards us.

The first of the bandits rushed us, an axeman that Chrom stepped forward to meet. I watched disinterestedly as they traded blows, Chrom taking a glancing hit before subduing the man. A second, sword-wielding man came in while Chrom was occupied, and I stepped aside to allow a visibly-nervous Robin a straight shot at him. Lightning crackled, paralyzing the bandit and forcing the man to his knees, the spell burning him but not quite killing him.

"Look away, ladies," I warned.

I didn't wait to see if they followed my advice or not, the steel tip of my boot crushing the bandit's neck in a whip-snap kick. I passed my knife over so I was holding them both in my left hand and bent to pick up the man's dropped sword, not even flinching as another flash of lightning magic passed over my back. I tested the weight, ignoring the fighting as Chrom moved to finish the bandit Robin had shot this time. It was a piece of crap, as far as swords go, little more than a sharp and pointy bit of metal, but if Robin could fight with a junky thing like this, she'd be able to fight with damn near anything.

I glanced up as Chrom shouted, colliding with a bandit that had been about to take a swing at me while I was distracted.

"You need to focus!" the prince snapped at me.

I shrugged, twirling the sword around in my hand and impaling the bandit in one smooth motion. It was a trick that Priam had taught me, one I liked a lot. The bandit twitched before falling backwards off the sword. I gave the weapon a shake to get the blood off before nodding. Now that the eminent threat was passed, Lissa and Robin jogged over.

"Somehow I feel like you're not taking this seriously," Lissa said as they joined us. "And that's terrifying."

"Yes, and it's going to get you killed," Chrom added disapprovingly.

I grinned at the man, which I knew for a fact would just honk him off more, and twirled the blade in my hand again. Then, I held the sword out to Robin hilt-first.

"Here, maybe you'll have more luck with this," I said.

She nodded without hesitating, slipping her spellbook into her pouch and taking the sword. We watched as she gave it a few practice swings and frowned.

"It's horribly balanced," she complained.

"Make do," I laughed, turning back to Chrom. "Alright, milord. You want serious? Keep up."

* * *

"Ugh. This is fucking gross. Do I gotta start wearing a Dexter raincoat or what?"

I wrinkled my nose, futilely trying to wipe the blood off my arms as Chrom and the others acted out the post-Southtown script.

After giving Robin the sword, I'm actually somewhat proud to say I went on to solo the rest of the map. Level one bandits are pretty pathetic, so it was fairly easy compared to endgame Risen. Chrom and Frederick both kept shooting me wary glances, now, though, while Lissa and Robin both seemed overawed by and somewhat afraid of my penchant for violence. If only they both knew just how dangerous they themselves would become…

I made another face, shaking my head and scoffing. Here I was, doing all the same shit and making all the same mistakes.

"Ah, what I wouldn't give for a quiet life," I sighed.

Maybe this time I would just stay in Ylisstol and write my serial. Blazing Blade was still pretty fresh in my mind, and it was fairly well received last time…There was a thought; actually live the life of a writer. I'd go insane from boredom within a week and end up drinking myself to death in a month.

I gave another sigh, giving up for the time being and settling for holding my arms away from myself. I glanced up as Lissa and Robin approached, a skip in the princess' step as she clearly tried to act unafraid. If I didn't know her as well as I did, I'd probably have bought it, too. Robin followed, more subdued, looking at my tattered clothes and blood-soaked hands with an apparent newfound respect.

"Wow, Ben, that was incredible!" Lissa declared loudly. "You really are amazing!"

I grinned a little, shaking my head.

"It was nothing," I said honestly.

"And so cool! So collected!" Lissa almost swooned.

I rolled my eyes as Robin chuckled. The truth was this skirmish had been such a cakewalk I hadn't even gotten my blood up. No rush, no adrenaline. Hell, I used to get more of a workout training the recruits.

Robin watched me carefully as I tried to hide the sour look on my face at the thought of all the work I'd have to do to make that army again.

"How did you say we knew each other again?" she asked quizzically.

"Old friends," I said immediately.

Shit, too fast, too obvious a lie. Robin's gaze narrowed, the woman's preternatural sense for this kind of thing alerting her instantly, but Chrom saved my ass by joining us with Frederick and the Village Elder.

"Milord," the old man said, bowing to me. "Thank you, thank you all, for saving our humble village."

"It's cool, I actually like Southtown," I shrugged.

"You honor us with your praise," the old man almost sobbed.

"The villagers have organized some new clothes for you, Ben," Chrom said with his usual winning smile.

"Think y'all could organize a bucket full of soapy water, too?" I asked with a distasteful face. "I… kinda made a mess."

"Yes, clearly," Chrom chuckled.

"It was so cool!" Lissa cheered, striking poses. "You were all like 'haa!' and 'snikt!' and 'pow!'"

"Was that even English?" I laughed when she was done.

"She's saying you were quite skilled," Chrom chuckled.

"As awesome as I am, Robin here's twice as badass," I said, circling around to put my hands on her shoulders from behind. "She just doesn't remember it right now."

"I-I am?" she stammered uncomfortably. "I don't… I mean, I don't think… I…"

"Hey, I'm just sayin'," I chuckled, stepping back. "But seriously, I need that bucket of water and I need it now before this gunk dries and my life gets even harder."

* * *

After getting a fresh shirt and washing off everything else had gone according to script. Robin and I had tagged along for the rest of the day as the Shepherds headed north back to the capital, and now we were sitting by the campfire as Robin listened raptly to Lissa describing Ylisstol to her.

I couldn't help but smile a little as I watched the two girls talk across the fire, the pair of them looking so carefree and so different from the women that they would eventually become; while Lissa and Robin were both still arguably two of the Shepherds with brighter personalities, war had a way of grinding even that type of person down.

A plan had been forming in my head for the better part of the afternoon, though; a plan that would ensure that the wars I had gone through wouldn't come to pass. Basically, a plan where I would do Lucina's job for her. Grima was coming back with the Princess, piggybacking off the spell that she and all our kids were using to travel back in time? No problem. I'd just kill her when she got here. By her own admission, Grima was weakened by the crossing. I could do this.

I could save the world, and no one would ever know.

And I was okay with that.

But then, what to do with Lucina and the others?

I could let them continue their little crusade; after all, just because the time travelling Grima was gone didn't mean that Validar and Gangrel wouldn't still be stirring up shit. It was a vague plan, really an outline at best, but those kinds of plans had seen me through Plegia twice and also Valm and Chon'sin's liberations. It would be enough.

I was going to save the world, and if I did it right no one would ever know.

Oddly enough, I found myself okay with that.

I glanced up sharply as Robin practically fell onto the log next to me, giggling and smiling as she settled next to me.

"Hey you," she said with a wide smile. "What are you thinking about all alone over here?"

"We're sitting at the same campfire, I'd hardly say that I'm 'alone'," I scoffed.

"There you go, being all evasive again," Robin sighed, poking my shoulder and pouting.

"Thinking about how best to save the world," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Okay, but how about you think about what we do when we get to Ylisstol," Robin said, going quiet for a moment before softly adding, "I mean, if we're going to stick together, that is. I don't really… know what else to do, and…"

I sighed theatrically, rolling my eyes again as I wrapped the tactician in a one-armed side hug.

"I've stuck with you this long," I said with a grin. "I'm not about to just up and ditch you. You won't get rid of me that easy."

Robin made a satisfied sound as she leaned her head against my shoulder.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I… think so?" she said slowly. "Why? Are we not… are we not this close?"

"Robin, we're practically siblings," I laughed.

"Good," she said with a relieved sigh, relaxing against me.

"But today can't have been easy for you," I persisted. "You sure you're okay?"

"I will be," she said, closing her eyes before adding, "You're really comfy, you know that?"

"Yeah, so you've told me before," I laughed.

Chrom chuckled a little off to the side as Lissa huffed next to him.

"How come you don't hug me anymore?" the sprightly princess asked him.

"Because you told me to stop treating you like a child," Chrom pointed out.

"That doesn't mean I don't want you to hug me!" Lissa said.

Chrom laughed, shaking his head.

"Alright, fine!" he said, throwing his arms around her.

Lissa shrieked, writhing and doing her best to escape from her brother's grasp.

"No! Chrom, you stink, get off me!" the princess shouted. "Frederick! Frederick, save me! Defend your princess!"

"I would never presume, milady," Frederick said from the other corner of the fire, not even looking up from his plate.

Lissa's cry of mock despair devolved into laughter as the rest of us cracked up, even Frederick cracking a small grin as we all relaxed. Eventually, as the conversation wound down and we all began to crash, I felt Robin settle more of her weight against me, her breathing becoming even as her eyes drifted closed. Again, I was unable to resist smiling a little as I scooped her up and set her down on the bedroll that had been graciously donated by the villagers in Southtown, closing her coat at the breast to ensure she stayed warm. As I moved to go to my own bedroll, though, she refused to relinquish my arm.

"Don't leave," she whispered, eyes still closed.

"I promise I'll be right next to you," I said.

I then proceeded to reach out with the toe of my boot, struggling a little before finally managing to drag my own bedroll over next to hers. As I settled on top of it, Robin shifted her grasp, settling for holding tightly to my hand instead of my whole arm.

I'd never realized just how much the whole amnesia thing had bothered her. Someone even acts like they know her and she just latches right on. Lucky for her, I wasn't trying to take advantage of her.

If I had had doubts about hunting down Grima while she was still weak from her crossing, they were dispelled as I watched Robin's sleeping face. I reached over, gently brushing a few stray white locks of hair from her face and silently promising to do what I could to build a safer, peaceful future for Robin. For her, and Lucina and for all of them.

And it would all start with the 'fireworks' tonight.

The thought gave me a small jolt of anxiety. I would be majorly fucking up the timeline by doing so, something I had actively avoided doing the first time.

As I brushed back her hair, though, Robin made a content little sound and nuzzled against my fingers, and I felt my resolve hardening.

Among other things.

"God damn you are still fucking adorable," I muttered into the ground.

* * *

One thing you learn when you're marching with an army? How to sleep legit anywhere, under any circumstances. A skill that came in handy as I actually managed to get a few hours of sleep before the big 'fire falling from the sky time travelers dropping from the heavens' event that was the first mission.

I woke suddenly as Chrom rose up from his own bedroll, exchanging his scripted conversation with Lissa in hushed whispers before they both wandered off into the trees.

I simply lay back and waited for the rumbling to start, closing my eyes and letting myself drift off again. My gear was all lined up and ready to go next to me, the last thing I'd done before I'd let myself get any rest. One handed, because Robin still even now had a death grip on my left hand.

When the ground did start to shake, I was up in an instant, snapping into a sitting position so fast I was worried I'd have whiplash.

"Robin, Frederick, wake up!" I said loudly. "This is no earthquake!"

The tactician by my side snorted, blinking bleary eyes a few times before the shaking seemed to register to her tired brain. Frederick was up in an instant, his horse eerily silent as it waited for its master.

"Where are-" the Knight started.

"They went for a walk, that way," I said, pointing after Chrom and Lissa.

The smell of smoke was strong now, and we could see the glow of the fire through the trees. I was already buckling my knife-belt back around my waist, Robin only managing to come up onto all fours before another strong tremor knocked her back down. I went down, too, falling to one knee even as my hands still worked my belt. Frederick swayed, but otherwise didn't react to the quake.

Was it this bad the first time, too?

"And you let them!?" Frederick growled.

"Hey, you're their keeper, not me," I shot back defensively.

I pulled my jacket on from where it had been discarded next to my bedroll, shrugging into the garment instantly. Robin was on her feet now, holding onto my shoulder for balance.

"What's going on?" she asked shakily.

"Don't know, but let's find out," I said with a grin. "Frederick, go find the Prince and Princess! We're right behind you!"

He didn't answer, already swinging up into his horse's saddle and urging the mount into the trees.

"I don't like him," I said, crossing my arms.

Robin snorted, buckling her own equipment belt back on and adjusting the pouch on her hip.

"So, I assume we're going to run towards the smoke and the fire?" she asked.

"See? You are smart!" I laughed.

Robin chuckled and shook her head, drawing the sword we'd snagged from the dead bandit in Southtown.

"Lead on, then, oh fearless leader," she said.

"Famous last words, girl," I laughed.

We laughed as we raced after Frederick, our spirits high despite the shaking ground and the growing fire in the distance. After all, if I wasn't worried, why would Robin be?

We found Chrom and Lissa right about the same time as Frederick, Robin and I having taken a more direct route through the thicker underbrush that the knight's charger couldn't race through. Lucina/Marth started in surprise as we exploded into the clearing at the same time as several more Risen.

"Well, shit," I growled.

"Hey, do I know him, too?" Robin asked, pointing to Lucina/Marth.

"No," I said, starting forward as Lucina/Marth turned to leave. "Don't even think about it, you skinny little prat! Front and center! I'm not taking any chances here!"

Lucina/Marth froze, blushing as she was caught in the act of trying to disappear.

"Ben, what's going on?" Chrom demanded. "Who is this person? What are these creatures?"

"Fucked if I know," I shrugged. "Let's ask."

"They don't seem very talkative," Robin pointed out.

"They are not," Lucina/Marth chimed in, her voice pitched low.

"Then may I suggest we kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out?" I said, drawing my knives.

"An agreeable plan," Lucina/Marth nodded.

"Form up!" Chrom ordered.

I gave a small sigh as I fell in next to Lucina/Marth, rolling out my neck. Younger, fitter and stronger than I'd ever been, and sleeping on the ground still gave me a kink in my neck. Go figure.

I caught Lucina/Marth shooting Chrom a glance out of the corner of her mask, and I smirked, bumping her shoulder with my own before I could stop myself. She started, and I laughed to cover my momentary flash of panic.

"Focus, kid," I said. "Yes, Chrom's incredibly pretty, but you can ogle him later."

Lucina/Marth gaped, cheeks reddening as Chrom laughed a little.

"I prefer to think of myself as 'handsome', actually," he said.

"And oh so humble," I laughed.

Lucina/Marth bristled a little, but focused instead on the Risen again and I gave another relieved sigh. This Lucina didn't know me, was nowhere near as close to me as her counterpart in my future. I must have still been half asleep; Robin I could get away with that kind of behavior with, but Lucina was another story entirely.

"Here they come!" Lissa shouted unnecessarily from behind us.

I glanced up, taking the Risen in. A couple grunts, a couple basic bitch hoodies, nothing we couldn't handle. I shook my head, reminding myself that, for the Shepherds, this would be a pretty decent fight. I decided to take a gamble, leaning over to Lucina slightly.

"Hang back, let Robin and Chrom get some experience against these things," I muttered to the princess. "We both know you and I have more than enough dealing with the small-fry. Pair up with Chrom, I'll watch Robin."

"H-how do you…" Lucina/Marth hissed before shaking her head. "Very well. But you will be explaining yourself later."

"Dollar for every time I've heard that," I chuckled, turning to the others. "Executive decision! Chrom, you're with mister mask here! Robin, you're with me! Frederick, keep an eye on Lissa! Robin, Chrom, you're the vanguard! Move!"

The authority in my voice had both Chrom and Robin moving before they even realized it, standing side by side as I cut behind them to take a position at Robin's shoulder. Lissa and Frederick crowded in behind, and I nodded as the Risen shambled closer.

"Much better," I said. "Go for kill shots. These things don't hurt easy."

* * *

"Well, at least I'm not covered in blood this time," I grumbled, coughing a little as I patted Risen ashes off my sleeves. "Seriously, fuck this shit. I need a sword or something."

"What are you mumbling to yourself?" Robin asked curiously, patting her clothes off, too.

"Something along the lines of 'fuck everything'," I sighed. "How're you holding up?"

"Gods but you worry," Robin laughed.

"Hey, one of us has to be the adult here, and with you with no memories…"

"My hero," Robin laughed, throwing her arms around me in a hug.

I rolled my eyes and returned the hug, both of us glancing up as someone cleared their throat not so far away. Lucina/Marth stood, a slight blush coloring her cheeks, looking pointedly at me.

I'm guessing now that the battle was done, she wanted to have a little talk. Given the fact that I just steamrolled a bunch of Risen with tactics that, by rights, shouldn't exist yet, she no doubt had questions.

"You wanna go pal around with Lissa and Chrom for a bit?" I asked Robin. "I gotta talk to Marth."

"Are you going to be okay?" she asked seriously.

"I'll be fine, I can take her," I laughed.

Robin smirked and nodded, stepping back and eyeing Lucina/Marth one last time before moving over to where Chrom, Lissa and Frederick were talking to Sully and Virion. I gave the Prince a wave and a grin, indicating everything was good, and he responded with a nod. I turned towards the forest and breezed right past Lucina as I started for the trees.

"Alright, let's move, we've only got a small window here," I said.

"To do what?" she asked suspiciously.

"To take one gigantic pain in the ass off the board," I said over my shoulder, stopping once we hit the tree line. "You and I aren't the only time-travelers, Lucina. Grima's here, too, but she's weak."

That was probably an information overload for the girl, but to her credit she only paused for a moment before pulling it together.

"Grima is here?" she asked, her voice returning to its normal range.

"Yeah," I nodded.

"Then everything else can wait," Lucina said, pushing past me. "But rest assured, we will be discussing this at length."

"No problemo," I shrugged. "You arrived around here, yeah?"

"I did."

"Then Grima should be nearby, too. We'll spread out, comb the forest," I said. "She can't have gotten too far in her weakened state just yet."

"I would ask how you know all this…" Lucina started as we began to search.

"Like I said, time travel, apparently," I said darkly. "And this bitch isn't getting away from me again. This time when I kill her, she'll stay dead."

Lucina was silent for a moment as we combed through the underbrush, looking for signs of our errant god of destruction, before she glanced up at me.

"Grima is… a woman?" she asked slowly.

"Long story, I'll explain later," I sighed.

"You will explain much, I hope," Lucina said seriously.

I smirked, giving the princess a nod in the gloom.

We separated then, moving out in a standard search grid that I had no doubt I had taught her in the future. It brought a small grin to my face, but one that didn't last long in the light of what I was doing here.

This was important. This was big. If we could remove Grima at this early stage, it would totally change the way the late-game played out.

Then all I'd have to worry about was what to do with Lucina and her merry little band.

I'd figure that out once we got there, though.

I still had a job to do right now.

I pushed through the scrub, getting further and further away from Lucina and from the others, until the light from the forest fire was a dull glow in the distance, between the trees. The night was still quiet, though, and it didn't take me long to pick up on the sound of ragged, heavy breathing. If I didn't know any better, I'd say someone was fuckin' out here.

But I did know better.

A predatory grin spread to my face, the first vestiges of bloodlust I'd felt all day coloring the edges of my vision with a red haze.

Finally, I was feeling something.

Finally, I'd get some closure.

I found her leaning back against a large tree, head lolling and eyes flickering open and closed as she spat blood to one side. I hesitated for a moment as Robin's face, albeit older, looked up at me. Then it clicked what I was looking at. The stomach wound. The cut on her face where I'd 'proved I could make her bleed', just below her left eye. This wasn't Lucina's Grima.

This was my Grima.

"So, I ended up dragging you back here, too, huh?" I asked coldly.

Grima looked up at me with Robin's face, her eyes dimly glowing red in the dark forest, and uttered a single word.

"Fuck," she breathed, letting her head fall again.

"So, where's the other one?" I asked, stepping forward.

"Already… killed her… consumed her…" Grima chuckled weakly. "I didn't… make it easy… for myself…"

"Well, thank you for making my job easier," I said, drawing my knives. "I'd say this was nothing personal, but we both know that's a lie, you psychotic bitch."

"How are y-you… not dead?" Grima asked, spitting up more blood.

"Don't know, don't care," I growled, advancing slowly. "But I doubt you'll res like I did. Goodbye, Grima. And fuck you."

She slowly turned her languid, barely conscious gaze up to me, and I will admit I hesitated a moment at her similarity to Robin.

And that hesitation cost me.

Deceptively fast, Grima waved her hand.

I had just long enough to think _'oh fuck' _before my head was enveloped in a beam of light and-

* * *

"Oh fuck. Oh my head. Ow. Ow. Ow."

I groaned, futilely raising a hand to shield my eyes from the sunlight.

My eyes widened as I froze, going rigid before dropping my hand.

A cheery mid-summer sky, a few wisps of fluffy white cloud drifting lazily through the blue, met my gaze. A cool breeze blew, the leaves above me swaying in the wind and causing the shade to drift with it.

I sat up, glancing around at the same clearing I'd seen when I'd woken up the first two times.

I processed this for a moment, before…

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu_uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUCK!_"

* * *

**AN2019: Well, this one ought to be a little interesting. This story, creatively titled Metallover's Self Insert Dark, is another 'Apocryphal Tale' style story. Only difference is the plot, this time, sees the SI!Ben running off to take over Plegia with the time-travelling Grima at the start of the story! You'll also notice that I titled the story a 'preview'. That's because this is a (P)atreon-first piece, and I'm just sharing the first two chapters here as advertising. Want to read more? I post a new chapter of this story there every month! **

**Follow me on twitter! -metalloverCAB**

**Please consider supporting me on (P)atreon! For just a dollar a month you get early access to chapters! An entire month in advance before I post them here! Five bucks gets you two, count 'em _two_, chapters of an exclusive Self Insert short (complete with original artwork in every chapter)! **

**There's a Discord channel you can join to chat, too! It's brand-spankin' new at this point! **

**Check it all out, links are all on my bio page! Thanks for reading, and Nagaspeed!**


	8. Head Over Heels part 1

**Head Over Heels Part 1 – A Metallover's Self Insert Apocryphal Tale**

_I gave a small, relived sigh as I spotted the barracks Lissa hadn't shut up about for the last twenty minutes, my aching feet screaming for a break. Walking everywhere was going to take more than a little getting used to, honestly. I was fit enough back home, but clearly I'd need to up my game here in Ylisse. _

_I had been in the world of Fire Emblem Awakening for about a week now, and all I had accomplished was kicking the shit out of a couple bandits, running screaming from some Risen, and walking. So. Much. Walking. _

_Lissa's little Charlie Brown trumpet noises slowly tuned themselves back into legible speech as I glanced at her, the young princess still talking animatedly as we walked. _

"… _and Sumia makes the best pies! Oh man, you're gonna love her rhubarb pies!"_

"… _the fuck is rhubarb?" I muttered. _

_We walked right up to the door, the two-story building looming above me as Lissa threw the door open. I won't lie, I felt the old social anxiety flaring up as I looked at that nondescript wooden door. I took a deep breath as Lissa struggled to get the heavy door open, running through ideas in my head on how to make a good impression. _

… _Sumia came rushing to meet Chrom here, or thereabouts, right? Maybe I could catch her when she fell, making the Shepherds all think I actually had my shit together when I clearly did not. It was worth a shot, anyway._

_I followed Lissa into the building, looking around with nervous eyes as the Shepherds all looked up in curiosity. _

"_Hi everyone!" Lissa called. "We're back! And we made a new friend!" _

_She practically dragged me through the door up next to her with that, her tiny limbs deceptively strong as the princess manhandled me. _

"_Uh… hi?" I greeted unsurely. _

_The present Shepherds, Virion, Sully, Maribelle, Vaike and Sumia all rose up and crowded around, Maribelle being quickest to the punch. The noblewoman practically bowled me aside in her haste to get to Lissa, sending me reeling and almost falling flat on my face. _

"_Lissa, my treasure!" she practically shouted in relief. "I was on pins and needles waiting for your return, my darling!" _

"_Hello, Maribelle," Lissa giggled. _

_Sumia came rushing forward next, and I perked up attentively. _

"_Princess Lissa! Are… uh, is… th-the Captain, is he…" she stammered, shuffling forward. _

_I stepped forward, just as she started to trip. I grinned a little, expecting to confidently catch her in my arms, maybe drop the suave 'hey' as I propped her back up. However, 'twas not to be._

"_Eeeek!" _

"_Whoa, caref-urk!" _

_Sumia's head came crashing down on my own at Mach-speed, a loud impact resounding through the barracks as the Shepherds all cringed. Of course, with Sumia's forward momentum she didn't stop, barreling into me with her molded chest plate to bruise my chest as she fell down on top of me. My own shout went up several octaves as, in one last effort to stop her collapse, Sumia thrust her knee down into my balls, obviously trying to catch herself before falling on me. _

"_Oh gods I'm so sorry!" Sumia cried as she jumped back off me._

_As the Shepherds laughed, I lay there, staring at the ceiling in a daze for a moment before curling up on my side and trying not to puke. _

"_I'm okay," I lied in a high, squeaky voice. "At least… I tried… oh god… please… kill me…"_

* * *

"The more things change…" I muttered to myself with a smirk.

I stood leaning on a practice lance, watching as Sumia bumbled her way around a training ground on foot. We were camped outside the Valmese capital, Chrom insisting that we not intrude upon the city and 'look like conquerors.' We'd only just finished curb-stomping Walhart the other day, so while Chrom and Say'ri took care of all the important political bullshit, Frederick and I were basically left in charge of the Ylissean League.

And because I was an actual competent manager and had underlings I could trust to not burn down the camp for a few hours, unlike my other half Fredward, I actually had free time.

Sumia tried to lunge at a target with her own training lance, her feet slipping out from underneath her and sending her falling flat on her face. I cringed, sighing.

"Holy crap, woman, do I need to actually put tennis racquets on the bottom of your boots or what?" I asked, walking over. "Still alive down there?"

"Yes!" Sumia sniffled, rising up a little on her hands and knees.

I rolled my eyes, helping her back up. We'd tried everything. She wore sensible flat-soled boots now, as opposed to the ridiculous heels that the other Pegasus Knights wore. We'd done yoga and Pilates to strengthen her core and work on her balance. Now we were just reduced to 'train long enough and hope you get over it'. Damndest thing was, though, that if you put the girl in a saddle, she was a terror on the battlefield. She wasn't the Commander of the Pegasus Knights, Ylisse's prestigious Wing Commander, second only to the Knight Commander and the Exalt, for no reason.

Take her out of the saddle, though…

Sumia let out another sniffle, wiping at the dirt on her face. I chuckled a little, producing a small handkerchief and doing it for her. At least her nose wasn't bleeding…

"Ben, please!" Sumia sniffled, glaring at me as she stepped back. "I asked you to help me, not laugh at me!"

"Don't be like that," I chuckled. "I swear, the harder you think about it the worse you get. You gotta admit, there's an element of divine comedy to this."

Sumia sighed, taking the handkerchief from my grip and going back to cleaning up.

"I know, I'm sorry," she sighed dejectedly. "It's just… I feel so useless-"

I reached out, cutting her off by flicking her in the forehead.

"Ah! You know you're not allowed to use that word!" I snapped.

"Ow!" Sumia groaned. "I'm sorry! Fine, but I still feel bad making you and Frederick run the dismounted drills all the time!"

I smirked as Sumia sighed, handing me the handkerchief back.

"You should feel bad," I laughed. "I work your girls as hard as I work my own troops. They fucking hate me."

"My knights or your troops?" Sumia asked, cracking a small grin.

"Yes," I said with a nod.

This proved to be too much for Sumia, and with a snort she let out a small chuckle. She shook her head, leaning her shoulder against my own and letting out another sigh.

"How do you do that?" she asked with a small smile. "How do you always cheer me up?"

"_Because I honestly wish someone had been there to pick me up like that…"_

Or so I wanted to say. I settled for a half-shrug, grinning at the brunette as she glanced sideways at me.

"Because I'm fucking awesome, that's how," I said. "Now stop distracting me. Break time's over, let's run some drills."

Sumia let out a little groan, her head lolling against my shoulder. I didn't enjoy this any more than she did, but she really did need the help.

And honestly, when else would I get the chance to practice with a lance?

* * *

That evening, as the sun sank low behind the Valmese capital and the moon began to rise I tromped back to the Ylissean camp after dinner. It had been a stuffy formal affair, in which Chrom and Say'ri had talked about mending the relationships between their nations and Valm and blah blah blah. Attendance had been mandatory for all the important people, so while Sumia had been cornered by a very curious Say'ri, asking about Pegasus rearing in Ylisse as opposed to Chon'sin, I'd gotten the hell outta dodge as fast as I could.

Now I was walking down the lonely, moonlit path to get back to my lumpy, hard camp bed where I'd spend all night staring at the canvas ceiling of my-

"Ho, evildoer!"

I froze at the shout, glancing over my shoulder. My hand automatically went to the hilts of the daggers hidden beneath my coat, but… I was still alone on the road.

"You dare face me!? I will show you why the Pegasus Knights of Ylisstol are feared throughout the land! Have at you, fiend!"

I smirked and dropped my hands from my knives, glancing over at the copse of trees beside the road.

"You will know the wrath of Cynthia, Heroine of Justice!"

I made my way over to the trees, quietly as I could in my formal getup, and leaned against a particularly large old oak. There, in a small clearing in the shadows, Cynthia was dueling with imaginary foes, swinging her lance around and striking heroic poses. She did a pretty good job of it, too; the small shafts of moonlight breaking through the trees glinted off her armor and lance as she spun and struck, her movements far too showy for a battlefield but impressive nonetheless.

Seeing her like this, all carefree and laughing, brought a small smile to my face. It was a far cry from the almost desperate hero act she had put on in her earliest days among the group, like she had been trying to prove that she was just as 'amazing as her parents were'. Now, watching her practice poses and lines for fun, no doubt to spring on Owain at breakfast in the morning, it was more like watching a normal adolescent girl.

Then a thought popped into my head, and I perked up.

I was carrying my sword, because it was part of the formal Army uniform…

With another grin I stepped into the clearing behind Cynthia, the time-travelling Pegasus Knight not hearing me until I yanked my sword from its sheathe in one smooth movement.

"Defend yourself!" I cried, lunging.

Cynthia let out a surprised little squeak, spinning and bringing her lance up to block on reflex. I tossed out a few slow, heavily telegraphed attacks before stepping back and flourishing my blade.

"G-General Ben!" Cynthia cried in surprise, blushing up to her roots. "What are you doing!? That's dangerous!"

I gave a slow, low laugh, laying it on thick.

"Long have I searched for a worthy opponent, girl," I said, stepping back into a ready stance. "Tell me… will the 'Heroine of Justice' be able to overcome the 'General of Chaos'!?"

Cynthia let out a gasp, her whole face lighting up as she caught on. It was pretty obvious what I was doing; I was standing in a one-handed dueling pose, which was an utterly useless style for battlefield fighting, and grinning like a bastard. We did this every so often, and I liked to spring this kind of little play on her and Owain from time to time.

Mostly Cynthia, because she knew how to gracefully end the session, unlike Owain, who had followed me around spouting lines for nearly an hour last time.

Flourishing her lance with an overexaggerated spin, Cynthia struck her most heroic pose and flashed me a winning smile as she threw her off-hand out.

"Justice always triumphs!" she declared, laughter in her voice.

"Prove it!" I challenged, failing miserably to keep my voice even.

We both shouted and charged, our weapons clashing in the darkness as we struck more heavily telegraphed blows at each other. Pretty soon Cynthia was laughing freely, a wide smile on her face matching my own goofy grin. We clashed again, pushing against each other's weapons and bringing our faces close.

"Is this the best Ylisse has got?" I asked.

"Just thought I'd slow down to your speed, old man," she shot back.

"Ha! You little bitch!" I barked out with a laugh.

I pushed the younger girl back, carefully sending her reeling into a clear patch of earth. She let out a yelp, and I circled my sword around before bringing it back to point up in a ready stance before my face. Cynthia fell flat on her ass, looking up at me with wide eyes as I posed and did my best smolder behind the sword.

"Oh my gods that was so cool!" the young pegasus knight declared, jumping back up. "You're the best, General! The! Best! So cool!"

I chuckled a little, lowering my sword before sheathing it and bending to pick up Cynthia's lance where she'd dropped it. The young brunette was still dancing around the small clearing, rambling about how awesome a match that was and how jealous Owain was going to be in the morning. She paused when she spotted me holding her precious lance out to her, and accepted it back with a wide smile.

Then, careful not to stab me in the face by accident again (that had not been a fun explanation to give Libra…), she wrapped me in a big hug, pressing her cheek to my shoulder.

"What's this for?" I asked with a laugh.

"For taking the time to do this with me," she said, stepping back. "I try to get the others in on it, but all I can manage is Owain and Morgan. I've even tried to get mother to join in, but… well…"

I dropped a hand on the kid's head, ruffling her hair a little.

"Yeah, your mom's more of a 'read about heroes' kinda gal," I agreed.

Cynthia giggled and beamed a hundred-watt smile at me, making me chuckle again. I had made attempts to get closer to most of the second gen characters since they had shown up. I trained with Kjelle, talked history and philosophy with Laurent and Nah, carried the bags when Severa went shopping, played wingman for Inigo, let Brady be my 'gofer', and so on. Of course, it helped that Morgan and Noire were my own kids, and I could get inside information from them.

The only one who still wouldn't have any part of my attention outside of an official capacity was Lucina. And, honestly, I couldn't blame her.

Of course, I also greatly encouraged the other parents to spend time with their own time-travelling children, but seeing as some of them couldn't remember who their fathers were, or refused to tell us, it became something of an awkward guessing game.

"Well, we should be getting back to camp soon," I said with a small yawn. "Behaving myself at dinner was exhausting. If I don't get out of these stupid dress blues and into some beer soon, I'm gonna have to kill someone."

"There's a scary thought," Cynthia laughed, falling into step beside me.

She bumped my shoulder with her own, much the same way her mother always did, and grinned up at me.

"Thanks again for the workout, old man," she said cheekily.

"Don't get cocky, kid," I scoffed. "Or I'll roster you for latrine duty for a month."

"You wouldn't abuse your power like that!"

"Ha! Have you met me!?"

And so it went, the whole way back to camp, the two of us trading pot shots at each other until we eventually stepped into the mess tent.

* * *

The next morning, I watched with glazed eyes and a blank expression as the soldiers around me prepared for muster.

We were marching on Chon'sin's capital, Ka'oki City, ahead of Say'ri's returning resistance forces to secure the route for the exhausted locals. It was a milk-run, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to put my best foot forward for the future Queen of Chon'sin and offer to handle the situation personally. No matter how tired I was.

It had been another sleepless night of watching the shadows play across the ceiling of my tent, which was currently being packed away by someone else because I was a General and could order my peons to do that for me, as I waited for sleep. I'd contemplated getting drunk and just passing out, as I had a few times during the campaign, but I knew from experience that the only thing worse than marching tired was marching with a hangover.

That had _not_ been a fun day…

"I gotta get me a horse one of these days…" I grumbled, suppressing a yawn.

"Yes, we do pay you enough."

I glanced over my shoulder at the sound of someone quietly chuckling at me, quirking a brow.

"Ah, my Queen, to what do I owe the pleasure?" I asked. "I'd bow, but… eh."

Queen Cordelia just chuckled a little more, shaking her head. Long, crimson hair swayed in the early dawn, casting a radiant fiery halo around her head, contrasting with her white dress spectacularly. The dress itself was form-hugging, yet split up the sides of her legs to mid-thigh, revealing the white leggings beneath. Her silver breastplate already on, it was pretty clear to see who would be flying with the pegasus knights today.

Yes, Queen-Consort Cordelia. You heard right. God, that had been a nightmare to make happen…

"Flying overwatch today?" I asked conversationally.

Cordelia nodded as she came alongside me, absently watching the ordered chaos of my men breaking camp.

"Yes, Palla is getting quite restless," she explained. "I think she's upset that we didn't do as much fighting as the other Knights."

"Cordelia, we've been over this. You're queen now, and too important to waste in every skirmish," I said, rolling my eyes. "God, you're worse than Chrom… at least he's overt about it!"

"Oh, shush, you," Cordelia said with a small smirk. "I was simply stating facts."

"Not trying to guilt me at all?" I asked, quirking my brow a little higher.

"Well, maybe a little," she admitted with a small grin.

"Called it," I scoffed, rolling my eyes.

We chuckled for a little at the old joke between us, before going back to companionable silence. Cordelia had no doubt been prepared for today's march since last week, and, like I said, I had peons, so we both had some time free now. It was some time before either of us spoke again, Cordelia waiting until after I gave a particularly long yawn to speak.

"I heard you did some training with Sumia and Cynthia yesterday?" she said.

"Oh, you heard about that, did you?" I said lazily.

"I'd be surprised if everyone hadn't heard," Cordelia said with a small smile. "And I would avoid Owain for a little while were I you. He's somewhat put out that you trained without him."

"Ugh. God damn. Control your nephew," I groaned, running a hand down my face. "Slap him like Lon'qu does. Just… keep him away from me until I discover coffee."

Cordelia gave a dainty, queen-like laugh behind one hand, her lips turned upwards in a regal smile.

Quite honestly, getting everyone in on it and forcibly getting Chrom and Cordelia together had been one of the best things that had happened to Ylisse since Emmeryn had taken the throne. Her perfectionism was like an ideal that the rest of the nation strove to match, and her calm bearing and even manner made her a perfect foil for Chrom's more hot-headed moments in his early reign.

"Do you honestly think any of us can control him?" Cordelia asked. "We just… point him and hope for the best."

"You have spent far too much time around me, and that frightens me," I sighed. "What happened to the perfectionist that wouldn't have stopped until Owain was a perfectly mannered young man?"

"She spent far too long around her husband's retainer, I believe," Cordelia shot back.

"Yeah, that Frederick's a real bad influence," I scoffed.

I smirked and glanced up as Cordelia laughed again, a familiar form came jogging towards us, the young man snapping to a smart salute when he reached us.

He was a pretty average looking in his late twenties like most officers in the army, his neatly ordered dark blue duty uniform bearing the stripes and stars of a Colonel on his shoulder. His straight, long dark brown hair, so similar to the majority of the northern Ylissean peoples, was loose and hanging brushed back across his shoulders, and his pale complexion made the fresh scar along his right jaw stand out even sharper.

"Sir! The outriders are awaiting your orders!" he said.

"Kaelind, we've been over this, you have runners to pass on these messages," I sighed, rolling my eyes.

"I also have soldiers to do all my work for me now, so I have the free time," the man said with a small grin, before looking over to Cordelia. "And good morning, your majesty. You look lovely today. Will you be riding with us?"

"Thank you, Colonel," Cordelia said with a small, bashful smile. "And yes, I will."

"I'll make sure the men clean up properly, then," he said with a nod. "Wouldn't do to have us looking shabby while we're escorting our Queen."

"Dude, I am literally standing here in my pajamas," I yawned.

Kaelind and Cordelia both chuckled and rolled their eyes again as I let out another large yawn, shaking my head and blinking when I was finished.

"Ugh. Seriously, how the fuck are we supposed to sleep on those stupid cots?" I asked rhetorically.

"I sleep on the ground," Kaelind shrugged. "It hurts less when I fall out of bed that way."

"My cot sinks so deep it's like a hammock, I don't think I even could fall out," I grumbled.

"You should try one of the couple's cots, then," Cordelia chuckled. "There's a bar running right down the middle. It's actually less comfortable than sleeping on the ground."

"A travesty! Not even the Queen can get a good night's sleep!" Kaelind laughed.

"Chrom's problem, not ours," I shrugged.

"All it would take is a word and I could have my husband make it his 'retainer's' problem, too," Cordelia pointed out.

I opened my mouth to respond, biting back a curse when I realized that she was, technically correct. Kaelind and Cordelia both laughed, and I shook my head, marveling at how different this regal woman was from the shell-shocked young pegasus knight I had snuck a vat of pudding with in Regna Ferox what seemed like a lifetime ago now.

"And now that I have ensured my Lord General's embarrassment for the day, your orders, sir?" Kaelind chuckled.

"Ah, it's a conspiracy at the highest levels of government, is it?" I drawled. "Fine. I'll remember this. Tell the outriders to get started, send a squad of To'shi's scouts out behind them. We won't be much longer here."

True to my words, the men around us were just preparing the last of the tents and crates to be picked up by the Third Platoon, groups of men simply standing around and shooting the shit while they waited for marching orders starting to form now.

"At once, sir!" Kaelind said, snapping to a smart salute that was utterly ruined with his smart-ass grin. "And fair skies, Queen Cordelia."

"Thank you, Colonel Kaelind," Cordelia smiled.

And with that, the highest-ranking officer of the Fruford squads turned heel and began to march away with his back ramrod straight, ever the model officer. Next to him, in my sleep-rumpled clothes and stubble-coated head, it was sometimes hard to tell who was in charge around here.

"I should get this lot moving, too," I sighed after a moment. "See you during the lunch break?"

"Of course," Cordelia nodded. "I would not miss it."

I grinned and took a step away, only to be halted by Cordelia's hand on my elbow.

"Thank you for training with Sumia," she said in a low voice. "I worry about her now that I cannot do it myself."

I smirked, shrugging. "You give her too little credit, you know. She's a total badass."

"In the saddle," Cordelia corrected.

"Hey, I'll make a decent infantryman out of her yet," I laughed, before catching myself. "Infantrywoman? Whatever, point is we're making progress."

"And I know she appreciates it as much as I do," Cordelia said.

I nodded and took a few more steps before hesitating and glancing back.

"She might appreciate a little more confidence from her best friend, you know," I added over my shoulder. "Think about it while you're flying, huh? I'll see you both at lunch."

With my piece said, I turned and began my morning ritual of cussing out all of the soldiers within shouting distance, urging them to get their asses in gear for the march today and internally looking forward to having an informal lunch with the pegasus-riding women in my life later that day.

Of course, life often has other plans.

* * *

"Dammit! Tell the fourth squad to tighten formation on the right flank! I do not want these fuckers getting behind us! You! Signal Colonel Kaelind and have him move his cannons back out of the range of the enemy archers! We don't have cannoneers growing on trees! And will somebody please tell me why the Pegasus Knights are still in the air while we've got so many fucking enemy archers on the ground!?"

I glared up into the sky, squinting against the late morning sun as I tried to pick out the darting figures of the Pegasus Knights. We straight up _did not_ have the Pegasus Knights to waste; Sumia knew better than this. So what…

"No… Cordelia, you wouldn't possibly be that stupid…" I muttered to myself.

Everything had been going fine until Walhart loyalist rebels had attacked us on the road, and in decent enough numbers to make me sweat a little. Clearly, someone had leaked information that the Ylissean General, Wing Commander and Queen would all be travelling together today. Of course, what they didn't realize was that the Ylissean General, Wing Commander and Queen were all travelling together, and were all total badasses. Still, though, it never hurt to be cautious, which was exactly the opposite of what Sumia's Knights were doing above us.

Sure enough, the girls in the sky moved into a new formation; an old-new formation. One that I hadn't seen since I'd started collaborating with Sumia in joint tactics. This was a text-book formation from Phila's days as Wing Commander, when the Ylissean ground forces had had oodles of mages to keep enemy archers preoccupied, one that would end in a brutal strafing run on the enemy ranks. Only problem was, the Ylissean Regular Army didn't have anywhere near the magical presence as the Shepherds or the Knight Orders did; the Mage Academy loaned their mages out to Chrom, not to me. Sumia knew that. Cordelia, clearly having taken command as was her right as Queen, obviously did not, or otherwise expected me to have come up with some sort of workaround.

And I had; it was a splendid workaround called 'the Pegasus Knights don't advance until _I fucking tell them to_'.

"Fuck! Runner!" I snarled.

A runner appeared, a thin young Chon'sinian expat, looking up at me with wide eyes.

"Signal Colonel Kaelind immediately, tell him to form up the cannons! The Pegasus Knights need cover!" I ordered, turning away before the man could even salute.

"Su'ko!" I called.

"My lord?" my second shadow asked, appearing as if out of thin air.

"Are you ready to help your Lord do something stupid?" I asked with a small grin.

"It is what I live for, my lord," she said with a small bow.

"Bitchin'," I grinned, all predatory teeth as I turned to the men around us. "First Squad, form up! We're gonna do something stupid!"

"Ooh-rah!" the men roared in approval.

I caught Noire's eye in the crowd, giving my daughter a small wink, which caused her to roll her eyes. Like I hadn't heard her shout along with the rest of the squad…

"Runner!" I called, turning as another signaler appeared. "Get back to Colonel Virion and Captain Robin, tell them to move reinforcements up from the reserve squads, we're moving to support the Pegasus Knights! Virion has command until I relieve him! Tell him to move the Fifth Platoon up, and I don't fucking care how tired Tennabree is, I want her perfect, tanned ass front and center! On the double!"

With that, I turned away again, stomping through the expectantly waiting soldiers and expecting both runners to do their jobs. Su'ko doggedly followed at my heels as the rest of the squad fell in, ten men and women that were the absolute best at what they did. I couldn't help but smirk a little, drawing my sword and holding it high.

"Men of Ylisse! Do you want to live forever!?" I asked loudly.

The resounding cry from my squad was louder than three squads put together.

"Then let's go kill some shit!" I shouted, to even greater approval.

Unfortunately, it would take some time to get the cannons into firing position. Time in which pegasai could easily be shot out of the air. Unless, of course, the enemy archers had something far more pressing to deal with.

Like a single squad of elite shock-troops, led by the enemy general himself, getting into their midst and tearing shit up.

Just long enough for Kaelind's men to get set up. Of course.

We charged through our own ranks, Kaelind's signal horns already blaring, the cannoneers already bringing the heavy ordinance around to bear on the enemy formations. However, I could already see some of the enemy archers taking pot-shots at my fliers, so we couldn't waste the time it would take for the cannoneers to load and ready their weapons.

I picked up the pace, the squad hastening to match it. The Ylissean line before us opened to let us pass, the rank and file shouting encouragement and challenges for us. The enemy before us seemed lost, utterly confused by this incomprehensible tactic. Which was exactly why it worked so well.

"Cordelia, I'm gonna kill you myself if you don't die up there," I growled to myself, chancing one last look up at the Pegasus Knights above us.

* * *

**AN2019: Here we are with another lovely Apocryphal Tale, courtesy of my lovely patrons over on (P)atreon. They've had access to this story for three months now (!?), so if you want early access like they get, please consider supporting me! Part two will get posted here this time next month, so look forward to that! **

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	9. Head Over Heels part 2

**Head Over Heels Part 2 – A Metallover's Self Insert Apocryphal Tale **

"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow! What's wrong with you!? 'Ow' means that fucking hurts!"

My head snapped forward as Lon'qu beaned me in the back of it, Lissa giving a small giggle as I glared back at the taller man whose wife I'd just sworn at.

"Thank you, dear," Lissa said, fluttering her eyelashes.

I just rolled my eyes as Lon'qu shifted, blushing a little.

Lissa was sitting at my side, her staff hovering over my right hand as she used her free hand to rotate the appendage so she could apply healing magics where they were most needed. I resisted the urge to flex my fingers as she worked, severed tendons tensing as magic flowed through them, forcing them back into the right spot…

Only to wince as they popped apart again, like a rubber band snapping in my wrist.

"Fuck's sake!" I growled.

Lissa sighed and leaned back, removing her staff from my hand.

"I'm sorry, but that's the best I can do," she huffed. "If I'd gotten to it as soon as it had been wounded, I could have saved it, but…"

I grimaced, looking down at my ruined hand. On the outside it looked fine, but I clenched the fingers into a claw, the closest I could get to closing my hand any more.

I'd taken a hit to my right wrist in the last battle that had severed some of the tendons in my arm.

I'd never jerk off again.

At least not with this hand.

Oh, and wielding a sword just got difficult.

But I was more concerned with not breaking my dick as I tried to learn lefty.

"I'm sorry," Lissa said, looking down.

I glanced up, shrugging. "Meh. I'm ambidextrous anyway. Just gotta teach myself how to do stuff left handed. Shouldn't take long."

I flexed the fingers in my hand again, tilting my head a little as I considered that I could probably still use my trench knife with it if I just adjusted the knuckle guard a little…

"You're taking this… really well," Lissa pointed out.

"Ambidextrous," I repeated. "Means I can use both hands as my main hand. It's a loss, sure, but this just means Virion has to do all my paperwork for a while."

"I thought you'd be more… angry," Lissa sighed, smiling in relief.

"Oh, I'm fucking furious," I chuckled truthfully. "But venting on you won't help any. Plus, Lon'qu made me forget math again with that last hit, so…"

"I've seen you count, you didn't lose much," Lon'qu drawled from behind me.

I rolled my eyes as Lissa snickered, turning to cast a weak glare at the man standing behind me with arms crossed.

"At least my people don't think mathematics is witchcraft," I pointed out.

"Technically I'm Chon'sinian," Lon'qu smirked.

"Yeah, when it suits you, ya bastard," I drawled in perfect Chon'sinian as I stood.

"You kiss your mother with that mouth?" Lon'qu shot back in the same language.

"And yours, too, when you're not looking," I grinned, stepping back out of the healing tent before I could get my ass kicked.

"I'll remember that!" Lon'qu called after me, switching back to Ylissean.

"That's what she said!" I shouted over my shoulder.

I turned forward again, almost walking straight into the kicked-puppy eyes of my second shadow as Su'ko looked up at me. The small, unassuming young ninja had the most stricken look on her face, like she'd been expecting me to keel over dead. I quirked a brow as she bowed her head, holding her sword up for me expectantly.

"Su, it was a flesh wound," I said, rolling my eyes and stepping around her.

She darted back out in front of me, holding her sword up again. I stopped and threw my head back with a very put-upon sigh.

"'Twas my greatest shame that I allowed you to be injured, milord," she said quickly. "I have failed in my duty. Please take my life as recompense."

"No," I said, stepping the other way around her. "Fuck's sake, Su. We do this every time I get so much as a papercut. Knock it off."

"Milord, honor must be-" she started, slipping in front of me again.

Only to find my hand waiting to descend on top of her head in a perfect karate chop. She let out a yelp, almost dropping her sword as one hand went up to cover the spot I'd hit.

"There, you've been punished, now put that away before you put someone's eye out," I said, leaning close to her. "And, for the last time, you're worth more to me alive than dead. If I want you dead, you'll be the first to know. Okay? Okay. Good talk."

I shook my head as Su'ko looked up at me with teary eyes before dropping her head again and nodding, sliding her short sword back into its sheathe.

"I do not deserve your kindness, milord," she said, her voice thick.

"I decide who gets my kindness, not you," I scoffed. "Now, where the fuck is the command tent?"

Su'ko quickly wiped the back of her hand across her face, her eyes still red and puffy as she looked up but her expression set in its usual neutral expression.

"Please follow me this way, milord," she said.

She spun on her heel, leading me without an ounce of hesitation through the chaos of the camp that was springing up in the cool evening air. Conscripts ran back and forth, carrying out duties and tasks without sparing me a second glance, but the Regulars stopped what they were doing as soon as they spotted me, all moving to watch my passage with worried expressions. As this went on for more than a few minutes I rolled my eyes and turned a glare on the assembled soldiers, crossing my arms to hide my crippled hand.

"What!?" I snapped.

A ripple of relieved laughter spread through the soldiers as they all relaxed, a few of the braver ones even calling out as Su'ko and I started walking again.

"Good to see our unkillable General back on his feet!"

"You had us scared, sir!"

"You must be getting old, Boss! A hit like that wouldn't have even slowed you down before!"

"Bring us with you next time you make a charge like that, Boss!"

"Immortals, hoo-rah!"

A low chant of 'Immortals' began to circulate through the men, and I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from breaking into a grin.

'Immortals' they called us.

Because, no matter what, we pulled off the craziest missions with minimal losses.

The Royal Ylissean First, Chrom's Immortals, were what every little boy and girl aspired to be these days, apparently.

I mean, apparently using actual tactics, superior training and halfway decent equipment made us 'immortal' to the eyes of the conscripts. But hey, it was good for morale.

The Ylissean conscripts had suffered a whopping sixty-percent casualty ratio under Chrom and Frederick's leadership. The Feroxi soldiers had fared somewhat a little better, scraping by thirty percent casualties, if my math was right.

The Ylissean First had barely taken ten percent losses, a fact I was very proud of. The elements of the Second and Third regiments had taken even less, although to be fair we'd brought a lot less of them with us than the First. The First Naval Regiment, the Mariners, were practically untouched.

Chrom was already in talks with Frederick and the nobility to institute a watered-down version of my training regime for the conscripts next time they were called to arms.

As we neared the familiar command tent, I raised my left hand, flipping the bird over my shoulder to a raucous cheer from the men and women under my command.

If only they knew how close we came, how close I had just come, to sullying the name 'Immortal'.

As Su'ko and I approached the command tent, the sounds of shouting voices reached us. We exchanged a glance, the diminutive ninja girl blinking in surprise as a shrill voice rose above the din. As we got closer, I realized it was Cynthia shouting, oddly enough.

"… could have gotten him killed!" she was screaming. "And for what!? For your own damned pride!?"

"Cyn, that's enough!" Severa's voice snapped.

"No, it's not enough!" Cynthia went on. "We have protocols! We have strategies! They change literally every single day! I know that Commander Sumia told you about them, I was there when she did! So why did you disregard them for an outdated maneuver that almost got us all killed?! Not to mention my… the General himself!"

I raised a finger to my lips as I drifted closer to the canvas of the tent, pointedly glaring at the two soldiers on guard at the door. Both were men from the First, my men, and nodded their understanding. I wanted to hear how this went.

Besides, it wasn't the first time I'd had my men on guard duty ignore me so I could eavesdrop.

"Cynthia!" Frederick's booming voice growled. "You forget yourself! That is your queen-"

"My liege is Lucina!" Cynthia cut him off. "And you know I'm right! I am! Tell me I'm wrong!"

"Enough," Lucina said, her voice dripping fatigue.

I chose that moment to make my entrance, deciding to not let things escalate any further. I nodded to Su'ko, who helpfully pulled the canvas flap open for me to stride in, hands clasped behind my back and looking for all the world like I owned the place. Which, given that it was the tent for the Royal First's commanders, I kinda did. I took two steps into the tent and stopped, exchanging glances and nods with Robin and Morgan, the latter of whom gave a subtle, relieved sigh when she saw me up and about.

Everyone stopped to look up at me as I crossed the tent, stopping right in front of Cynthia. I glanced down at her for a moment, quirking one brow.

"Uh, are-" she started.

My hand came up and my middle finger flicked her right in the middle of the forehead, earning a startled yelp and sympathetic winces from all who had suffered the dreaded 'flick of death'.

"I'm fine," I deadpanned, glaring at the assembled people around the room.

Chrom and Cordelia stood next to each other, with Lucina standing a small way behind her father. Severa huffed, still wearing her own silver pegasus knight armor and crossing her arms over her breastplate. Frederick frowned, the tall man glowering over the top of the royal family like a big, immaculately-dressed gargoyle. On the opposite side of the map table, Morgan and Robin stood, the tactician still leaning on the table as though she had been studying the local maps while the others had been arguing. Cynthia stood somewhere between the groups, wilting now as she stepped back, glaring a little at Severa and Cordelia.

"Ben, I…" Cordelia started, trailing off.

"Save it," I said. "I don't have anything to say that wasn't already said. Or shouted. By the last person I was expecting, too. Didn't know you had the cajones, kid."

Cynthia gave a little groan, blushing and shrinking away from my smirk.

"Just one more scar for the collection, right?" Robin asked absently, going back to her maps spread out on the table. "You know, most people just scrapbook if they want to keep mementos of the places they've been."

"Yeah, well, I'm not most people," I shrugged, turning back to Chrom's little group. "So… uh… what's up?"

Lucina sighed and Severa rolled her eyes, shaking her head as Chrom smirked a little.

"We were debriefing about the battle," the Exalt said in that infuriatingly calm Chrom-voice he had. "The rebels shouldn't have been able to get that close to the main road without help. We were brainstorming solutions when Cynthia came in with Severa."

"Huh. Okay," I shrugged. "It's an easy fix. Squads of soldiers, armed and ready, with all the supply convoys. Send mid-ranked officers to keep the conscripts in line, maybe some of the Shepherds or something. As for VIPs, aside from Say'ri and Sumia, they're pretty much all in this tent, anyway. Security in Ka'oki is Say'ri's problem, not ours, although making sure the camp guards are in proper order probably wouldn't hurt. Speaking of VIPs, where's Sumia?"

There was some awkward shuffling and averting of eyes before Robin spoke up from the map again.

"She's down by the river, washing her pegasus," the tactician supplied. "It took a hit, but Maribelle already saw to it. She wanted to clean the blood off. What's wrong with your hand?"

I froze as all eyes snapped back to me. Cordelia went pale as Chrom schooled his features into the neutral 'Exalt expression' he always wore when getting bad news, and yes, it's sad I know exactly what that expression looks like.

"Robin, you haven't even looked at me since I walked in," I said evenly.

The tactician shrugged, pushing a few little models around the map.

"Doesn't mean I didn't catch it," she said.

"What does she mean?" Morgan asked, stepping around the table. "Dad, I thought you said you were fine."

I rolled my eyes, holding my right hand out to Morgan.

"Take my hand."

She did so, hesitantly, gently gripping it.

"I'm not pulling your finger," she said weakly.

I scoffed, shaking my head.

"I'm going to squeeze your hand as hard as I can," I warned her.

My time-travelling daughter winced preemptively as I applied pressure. My hand shook, and all I managed was a small squeeze, softer than I usually shook hands. After a few seconds of this Morgan looked down, noticing the fresh scar on my arm, before looking back up with a confused expression.

"That's the best I got left," I said, releasing her hand.

"You're crippled," Morgan whispered.

I quirked a brow, letting that statement hang for a second before lashing out and punching her in the shoulder with my left hand. Hard.

"Agh! Dad, what the fuck!?" Morgan squeaked.

"I still got one good hand," I snarled, turning to glare at everyone in the room in turn. "And I'll use it to kick anyone's ass that calls me a cripple. Do I make myself clear!?"

"Okay, point taken, jeez," Morgan groaned, rubbing her shoulder.

"Indeed," Chrom sighed. "Although I assume this means you're going to abstain from combat for a time. What happened?"

"I took a hit," I said, turning my arm to show the new scar. "Left it too long before I went to see Lissa. It's my own damn fault."

"No, it's not your fault!" Cynthia snapped. "If Queen Cordelia-"

I spun, frowning and waving my finger under her nose.

"You. Out. Now."

"But-" the pegasus knight said.

"Out!" I thundered, before dropping my voice to a whisper. "Take a walk, cool off. Now. Before you do or say something I have to punish you for."

She blinked at me, eyes welling up, before snapping to attention.

"Yes, sir," she said, her voice thick.

Then, ducking her head low and wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand, she all but ran from the tent. I felt a familiar pang of guilt, but quashed it as I turned back to the assembled leaders with a small sigh out my nose. I'd have to go talk to her later, make sure she understood why I'd had to yell like that. Sometimes I had to be a General first, though, and a friend second.

Severa gave an all-to-familiar huff, flipping one crimson twintail over her silver pauldron.

"I'll go after her," she sighed. "We need to check our saddles and brush our mounts properly anyway."

"Yes, I'm sure it has nothing to do with you being worried about her," Morgan smirked.

"Sh-shut up! I'm doing this for the Pegasus Knights!" Severa snapped with a blush.

"Nice tsundere," Morgan, Robin and I all intoned.

Severa groaned, rolling her eyes and stomping towards the exit after the slight brunette. She stopped before leaving, standing right in front of me and giving me a sideways glance before looking away again.

"I'm sorry about your hand," she said under her breath, stomping from the tent.

I gave a sigh out my nose once she was gone, shaking my head and turning to Chrom.

"Was there anything else? Or did I just solve in five minutes what y'all were arguing about for an hour again?" I asked with a quirked brow.

Chrom smirked and shook his head, spreading his hands.

"Yes, once more the running of my army and my country could not possibly be done without you," he said good-naturedly.

"And don't you forget it," I fired back with a grin of my own.

"I am concerned about your hand, though," Chrom added, somewhat hesitantly.

I shrugged. "I'll do a full analysis on just what it's still capable of once we get to Ka'oki. We can go from there. Until then, business as usual. Sound fair?"

"If you think that's best," Chrom nodded. "I trust your judgement."

I turned to Cordelia, my glance and raised brow basically screaming 'see? That's how it's done' in her face for a moment before I turned towards the map table.

"I… I am sorry," Cordelia piped up, speaking for the first time since I arrived.

I glanced back at her, quirking my brow and considering how I should react here.

I was, admittedly, rather upset. But, this was still Cordelia, who was still my friend. And right now, she looked more like the shell-shocked kid I'd had to pull out of her own head than the regal Queen she had become.

With a sigh, I felt all the anger I'd been holding onto seep away, and I shook my head.

Sometimes, being the bigger person really sucked.

"Morgan?"

"Yes, Dad?"

"Do we have any more of the Officer's Manuals for this month?" I asked, turning to her.

"Yeah, I think Laurent was writing out copies for fun the other day," Morgan said.

As she spoke Morgan spun, grabbing a small black book off one of the side-tables.

Constantly updating and printing these things was probably one of the army's biggest cash-sinks, but good lord it balanced out in sheer operational efficiency. Morgan handed it to me, and I took a quick look inside to make sure it was the latest version.

"Good lord that boy needs to get laid," I sighed, pinching the skin between my eyes as I reached out to take the book. "We have printers. I paid a mint for the damned things. Why was he… oh, forget it, I don't care-"

I trailed off as the manual fell to the ground, the weak fingers of my right hand unable to hold it. On instinct I'd grabbed it with my now-crippled hand. Morgan's eyes went wide and she gasped as I groaned and rolled my eyes.

"Well, that's gonna take some getting used to," I sighed, grabbing the little book with my left hand this time and thrust it towards an unusually meek Cordelia. "Here. Read this. Memorize it. If you can't recall it from memory, then Queen or not, you'll never march with my men again. Clear?"

"Yes," Cordelia nodded, accepting the manual. "I will have it memorized by evening."

"Next time you want to take command, you clear it with me first," I added evenly, eyes narrowing. "You do not assume command during a combat situation unless the existing chain of command is utterly broken. That means unless Sumia is dead or dying. Under any circumstances. Am I clear?"

"Yes, General," Cordelia nodded solemnly.

"Same goes for you," I said, rounding on Chrom.

The bigger man laughed, holding his hands up.

"No thanks, that's why I pay you," he chuckled. "I have enough trouble with the Shepherds."

I opened my mouth to tell Chrom that he could expect a much larger bill from me than normal for medical expenses, but froze at a shout from outside. Or rather, a shrill, ear-piercing screech.

"BLOOD AND THUNDER! FATHER!? WHERE ARE YOU!? I DEMAND TO SEE MY FATHER! TELL ME WHERE HE IS OR SUFFER MY WRATH!"

"Uh-oh, sounds like Noire's on the warpath again," Morgan snickered.

I sighed, pointing towards the tent's exit.

"I should probably… take care of that," I said, smiling awkwardly as I backpedaled to the door. "You're all good in here, right? Luce, you good?"

"Just go," Lucina sighed.

"Right, you've just been kinda quiet, didn't want you to feel left out," I sighed, stepping out of the tent. "Noire! I'm over here! Noire- excuse me, little miss, you put that nice soldier down right this instant! Put 'im down! There! We do not take our anger out on the conscripts! Good girl, now- agh! Stop hugging, I'm fine! Morgan! Morgan, get your ass out here! Help me! Noire sto-ARGH!"

And I could hear them laughing at me in the command tent…

* * *

The sun was beginning to sink low in the sky, painting the surrounding forests and hills in a brilliant golden orange hue as I wandered down towards the river near where we'd set up camp. I'd say this for Valm, it was just a beautiful as Ylisse was. I mean, when you weren't schlepping through bloody ankle-deep mud on a battlefield, anyway. I took a moment to stop and admire the scenery, letting the cool breeze wash over me before continuing on my way.

War had a funny way of making you appreciate the little things like that.

It had taken me the better part of the afternoon to assure Noire that no, I wasn't dying and no, there was no one she could 'make suffer' for my injury. In the end, I had sicced Morgan on her, and the two girls had gone off to take inventory of the weapons damaged during the fight just to keep her busy.

The only person I hadn't seen today, since I'd been hurt, was currently sitting by the shore, knees drawn to her chest as she watched her pegasus slowly grazing on the long river grasses.

"Sumia," I called out.

Her head snapped up, eyes wide at the sound of my voice. She was up and on her feet so fast I was almost expecting her to faceplant again, but she kept her feet with only minor stumbling as she rushed over to me.

"Oh gods, Ben! Are you okay!? You were hurt and-"

She stopped when I clamped my good hand over her mouth, quirking a brow as she sucked a breath through her nose.

"I'm fine," I said, leaning forward a little more. "Not perfect, but I'll manage. I heard that your pegasus took a hit, he okay?"

I dropped my heand as Sumia nodded, smiling a little at me as she stepped back.

"He's fine, just resting now," she said. "Leave it to you to be more worried about my mount than yourself."

"Oh, don't get all starry-eyed," I laughed. "I did only come out here when I was assured I'd be fine."

Sumia smirked before snorting and laughing along a little. She grew somber quickly, though, her gaze dropping.

"I… heard from Cynthia about… your hand," she said, making me realize where she was looking.

I sighed, running said hand over my bald head.

"Kid just couldn't keep her trap shut, could she?" I muttered.

I sighed and shook my head, meandering over to where she'd been sitting by the shore. I settled on the soft grass, leaning back and flopping down to relax with my good hand behind my head. It only took a second before I heard Sumia settle down beside me.

"I'm so sorry," she said quietly. "This is all my fault. If I'd just… told Cordelia about the new maneuvers or…"

"I am not having this conversation twice in one day," I deadpanned, glancing up at her.

Sumia piped down instantly, looking at me with big, glassy eyes.

"This wasn't your fault," I said, languidly holding my ruined hand up. "This wasn't Cordelia's fault. If anything, it was my fault for trying to shrug it off and ignoring operational procedure myself. I should have gotten it healed right away, but I didn't. No one blames you, least of all me."

"Then why does it feel like my fault?" Sumia asked.

"Because you have low self-esteem and a perpetual state of anxiety?" I shrugged from the ground. "I was honestly more worried about you. And, now, apparently, Cynthia. Was she okay?"

Sumia sniffled, smiling a little self depreciatingly.

"She was hurt by what happened, but she understood she was out of line," Sumia said. "I'm-"

"If you try to apologize on her behalf, I will slap you with my useless, floppy hand," I warned, waving the thing for emphasis.

Sumia barked out a laugh before shifting and clearing her throat awkwardly. She looked down, pulling at the grass around us.

"I still feel responsible," she admitted.

"Well, I can punish you, if that'll help alleviate your feeling of responsibility?" I offered.

Sumia's head snapped back up so fast I was worried she'd give herself whiplash, and I grinned.

"I mean, I fucked up my writing hand, so that means…"

The Wing Commander let out a pained moan as she realized what I was getting at.

"… I won't be writing any more of my serial for a while," I finished with a grin. "That make you feel better, sunshine?"

"I hate you," Sumia half-groaned, half-sobbed, resting her forehead on her knees.

I laughed, grinning up at her. "You asked for it."

"No, I didn't! I just said I felt… oh, you're impossible!" Sumia protested with a side-long glare.

I just grinned triumphantly, my plan to distract her having worked perfectly.

We sat there for a while in comfortable silence, each leaving the other alone with their own thoughts as we watched the lone pegasus slowly meander about and chew on the thick Valmese grass. As the first of the stars began to shine through the darkening sky and the temperature began to drop, I slowly sat myself up, wary of letting myself fall asleep out here.

"I was really worried about you, you know," Sumia said.

"Hell, I worry about you every time we go into a fight," I scoffed. "That's what friends do."

"I know why you worry, though," Sumia said darkly.

"I worry because you're all the hell the way up there," I said, pointing at the sky. "Where I can't do shit if something happens except hope that if you fall there's enough left of you to fill a bucket. There's no one I'd rather have watching my back, but the best I can do for you is… what I did today."

"You saved all of the Pegasus Knights today," Sumia pointed out.

"Okay, I see us going around in circles about this again," I smirked. "But you give yourself way too little credit. Without you, there wouldn't even be a Pegasus Knights."

There was another few moments of silence, in which Sumia's mount gave me an odd look for a flying horse.

"I think you're wrong about that," she said finally. "The only reason there's a Pegasus Knights is because… of you."

"Wanna run that by me again?" I asked with a quirked brow.

"When Cordelia stepped down, you encouraged me to become the new Wing Commander," Sumia said, looking away. "You helped make the training regimes. You helped with duty rosters. You're always holding me up. And today… today you got hurt because of it."

Sumia reached over, taking my crippled hand in both of hers and gently holding it.

"So… no more," she said. "You won't have to hold me up. I can stand on my own now. I will stand on my own. I'll be… I'll be the best Wing Commander Ylisse has ever seen! Because… because you believe in me."

"Always have," I said when she went quiet again. "And I always will. Never doubt that."

"I don't," Sumia said with a small grin. "Even if I don't understand it."

"One day you will," I promised her.

Sumia smiled and held my ruined hand to her breastplate, bowing her head and smiling as the sun finally sank below the horizon. I leaned forward until my forehead rested against hers, and we stayed like that until the only lights were from the stars, and Sumia's antsy pegasus was pushing at me with its muzzle.

* * *

Two weeks later and the Ylissean First had settled quite nicely into the fort that Say'ri had loaned us. The Shepherds and the Pegasus Knights were sharing with us, while Frederick's Knights, a few Shepherd volunteers and the Conscripts from Ylisse and Regna Ferox were billeted at the small gateway village at the base of the mountain trail. Yes, unbeknownst to us, Ka'oki was nestled into the top of a mountain range, and it had taken the better part of a week to drag all our shit up here, where the elevation made it damn near freezing.

Snow still gathered in the corners of the courtyards, and the men were all complaining that the thin walls did nothing to keep the heat in.

Still, though, it made for some nice views. And the pegasai all seemed thrilled to have so much open sky.

One morning, after a long run along the mountain trails, I found myself walking through the courtyard where the pegasai and the other mounts were being kept, drinking the last of the water in my canteen as I walked. It was nice to have some downtime like this, I had to admit. Hell, I was even getting caught up on my leisure reading. Fortunately, Sumia brought a huge stack of books with her everywhere she went.

"Ben! General Ben!"

I glanced up at where Cynthia was waving from between Severa and Sumia, the three women stripped of their armor and wearing only their riding dresses as they performed their mounts' daily grooming. I lifted my right hand to wave back, smiling a little as I changed direction.

After some awkward apologies on both our parts, Cynthia and I were back to business as usual. Meaning she was back to amazing me with the fact she could be so peppy without any caffeine in her system, while I was back to humoring her weird little heroic idiosyncrasies.

"How's the hand?" Cynthia asked without preamble.

"Good," I said, reaching down to adjust the little brace that Ricken and Laurent had made for me. "Doesn't even slow me down anymore. I do still have to practice my letters with my left hand a little more before I can start writing again, though."

"Aw…" Sumia groaned quietly in disappointment.

"Where are the rest of the girls?" I asked curiously.

"Some went to town, a few others went to visit the shrine above the fort," Severa supplied.

"And what, y'all didn't want to go?" I asked.

"I had duty rosters to take care of," Sumia said, puffing up her chest a little. "And after this I'm going to look at the joint drill suggestions that Robin sent me."

"Well, good," I smiled. "Glad to see you taking your role so seriously."

"And we can't go because we had a pledge not to-" Cynthia started, before Severa shushed her.

"Gawds, Cynthia, do you have to blab everything to everyone!?" the redhead seethed.

"What? Why is it such a big deal?" Cynthia huffed.

I exchanged a curious glance with Sumia, and she shrugged.

"Well, now I gotta know," I said, a playful grin rising to my face.

"Oh, it's not that big a deal," Cynthia said, waving her hand dismissively. "We promised that we'd go see Ka'oki together after we were finished saving the world. And we're not done saving the world yet. So, we can't go or it'd be like lying to ourselves."

"Cyn…" Severa groaned, blushing.

"Aw, that's so sweet!" Sumia cooed.

"You know, if you did go and see it now it'd just be preemptive, right?" I laughed. "This world's getting saved, period. You may as well go have fun while you can. Save yourselves a little travel time."

"But we swore…" Severa mumbled weakly.

"Consider it extra incentive," I shrugged. "If you go now, it just means you won't have a choice; you'll just have to save the world."

Cynthia gave an excited gasp, clapping her hands together as she jumped up and down a little.

"I didn't think of it like that!" she said excitedly. "Sev! Sev! Please!?"

Severa reeled back from the sheer assault of adorable that was an excited Cynthia, Sumia and I both exchanging knowing grins as the redhead spluttered for a moment, before clearing her throat and cranking the tsundere up to eleven.

"F-fine!" Severa huffed. "I'll go, but only because you want to go so bad!"

"Awesome, here," I said, reaching into my pocket for the coins I had floating around in there. "Buy me some of those weird little cinnamon cookies they make in the market."

Cynthia gave a cheer, dancing around in a happy circle before enveloping a startled Sumia in a big hug while I pressed the coins into Severa's hand. The redhead gaped at me for a moment before recovering and frowning.

"Did you talk us into this just so you wouldn't have to go buy your own cookies?" she asked dangerously.

"Oh, Severa, please," I said, mock-offended. "You wound me! I thought you knew me better than that! Of course that's why I talked you into going to town."

Severa opened her mouth to respond, but before she could Cynthia had latched onto her arm and was already in the process of dragging her back towards the fort.

"C'mon, Sev, we gotta move! I wanna be in town in time to try that noodle place that the others were talking about!" Cynthia gushed excitedly. "We'll need our coats and our purses and do you think they'd have any cool armor designs in our sizes maybe we should bring our breastplates just in case…"

"Cynthia, take a breath!" I called out after them.

Sumia and I laughed as we could actually hear the younger Pegasus Knight loudly suck in a lungful of air, even from how far we were away. I glanced over to the Wing Commander, silently admiring the way the morning sun shone through her mane of light brown hair, how that hair fell about the shoulders of her riding dress. I couldn't help but admire the simple beauty that she projected.

Sumia glanced back at me, smiling a little in embarrassment.

"What?" she asked.

"Nothing," I shrugged. "So. Paperwork, huh?"

"No, actually, I got that done yesterday," Sumia admitted with a guilty smile. "I just wanted a little peace to do some reading in."

A grin slowly broke out on my face at her admission.

"Mind if I join you?" I asked.

Sumia perked up a little, blinking in surprised before she flashed her own radiant smile at me.

"Oh! Of course not!" she said happily. "I was going to go now, are you busy?"

"My place or yours?" I asked with a suggestive wiggle of my eyebrows.

Sumia hesitated a moment, quirking her head. "But… we're in the same fort?"

"That was a joke, Sumia," I chuckled. "Give me five minutes to clean up, and I'll meet you in your room. Sound good?"

"Of course!" she said, her smile returning in full force.

I hurried inside, conscious of making it look like I wasn't hurrying, because I'm tsundere like that, and back to my own room. I quickly wiped myself off so I smelled less like I'd been running through the mountains all morning, and pulled on a fresh shirt and some clean breeches. Then I pulled on some clean socks, grabbed my jacket and the book I was reading, and hurried towards the wing of the fort that the Pegasus Knights were housed in.

The book was an utterly terrible adventure novel that Sumia had loaned me, so bad it looped back around to good. _Tales of the Southern Island Heroes,_ part of a series of stories about a small, rag-tag group of adventurers who end up marooned on the Southern Archipelago between Valm and Plegia, and need to survive against both the wilderness and the cannibalistic natives. It was complete, utter, fantastical tripe, and I was totally hooked on the damn series.

Humming the opening tune to _Enter Sandman_ under my breath I made my way through the polished halls of the fort, letting my sock-clad feet slide on the hardwood at every corner just because I could.

Soon enough I found myself in front of Sumia's room, and I reached for the edge of the sliding door. Then I hesitated, recalling what happened last time I opened the door to a woman's room without knocking, and rapped on the edge of the door instead.

Seriously, Olivia still wouldn't make eye-contact with me three years later…

"Come in!" Sumia called out.

I edged the door open with a small grin, seeing Sumia standing in the middle of the room with a matching smile on her face, her own book clenched happily to her chest.

"Take a seat anywhere," she said.

I nodded and settled in against the only wall-wall in the room, the three rice-paper screen walls nowhere near strong enough to take my weight. Then, as I opened my book, Sumia settled in beside me. I glanced up just as a warm blanket settled over my lap, doing a double-take when I realized I was sharing it with Sumia. I didn't say anything as she nestled up against my shoulder, a soft smile on her face as she opened her own book.

"It's cold today, isn't it?" she asked with a small blush, not looking up from her book.

Resisting the urge to shrug, lest I disturb my reading partner, I settled for a smile of my own as I saw to my own reading.

"Yeah, but this isn't so bad," I agreed.

I felt some of the tension leave Sumia's shoulder where it was pressed up against me, and sitting together under her blanket we spent the afternoon reading bad adventure novels and basking in each other's warmth.

* * *

**AN: I won't lie, I totally forgot I was supposed to upload this three days ago. Whoops. Blame Three Houses for monopolizing all my time. So, this is part two of three, the finale comes out next month! Hope y'all have been enjoying it so far. **

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	10. Head Over Heels part 3

**Head Over Heels Part 3 – A Metallover's Self Insert Apocryphal Tale**

I took a deep breath of the crisp mountain air, looking out over the scenery with an appraising eye as I exhaled. Say'ri hadn't been lying when she had said that the temple near our fort had some of the best views in all of Chon'sin, and leaning against the railing as I watched the sun setting between the mountains, I believed her.

There was a sense of loneliness and isolation here, so far up and separated from the world. It almost felt like I was the last man on earth. If not for the matching deep breath and sigh from the woman beside me, that is.

"Wow, isn't in incredible?" Sumia asked, her voice hushed with awe.

"It really is," I agreed, before smirking. "And I don't usually appreciate nature, so when I say that shit, you know it's true."

Sumia giggled a little, and we stood there in companionable silence for a time, watching the sun slowly sink lower and the wind rustle through the trees. I leaned my elbows on the railing, content to watch the splendor of nature with a small smile on my face while Sumia stood enraptured beside me.

I leaned forward, meaning to rest my elbow on the railing and my chin on my hand, but I gave a small snort when I put my chin on my crippled hand and it slid right back off, the appendage refusing to hold the weight. I almost smacked my head directly into the railing, but caught myself at the last moment, much to Sumia's amusement.

"You forgot your brace again," she said.

"Yeah, I noticed," I sighed, shaking my head. "Still getting used to this shit."

Sumia cleared her throat, obviously trying very hard not to laugh if the grin on her face was any indication.

"Here," she said, pulling her scarf off.

I watched with a blank expression as she took my crippled hand and began to wrap the scarf around my hand and wrist, like a compression bandage. She tied the woolen scarf off near my elbow, patting my hand through the thick fabric.

"There, that should help," she said with a smile. "Just be careful. It won't be as good as the brace."

"My hero," I laughed, pulling her in for a quick hug.

We went back to watching the scenery after we separated, a little closer to each other now, each of us lost in our own thoughts. Well, I wasn't particularly thinking anything groundbreaking; just wondering when I'd gotten so comfortable with Sumia touching me. I still really didn't like to be touched, a fact that had irked Morgan to no end initially; the girl was a hugger. Thoughts of my daughter clinging to me to 'get me over it faster' brought another smile to my face as the sun set.

After a time, when the sky was beginning to fade from the brilliant fiery orange into a darker, twilight purple, Sumia sighed and leaned her head against my shoulder.

"What's up? Getting cold?" I asked.

"A little," she admitted, leaning into me and wrapping her arms around my own. "But this is nice. I don't want to head back yet."

"Want the scarf back?"

"No, you hold onto it."

"I mean, I can't hold anything and that's the problem."

"You know what I meant."

There was a brief moment as we both grinned a little at the comfortable banter.

"I think the monks might get pissed off if we stay here all night," I snickered.

"So let them," Sumia mumbled.

I scoffed and smirked, leaning my head on top of Sumia's, and we stayed like that a little longer.

We had a strange sort of connection, Sumia and I. Ever since I had freaked out when she'd shown me the pile of books she carried around with her, we'd become reading buddies; then, while we'd been setting Cordelia up with Chrom, we'd become friends. We worked well together as The Wing Commander and The General. I trusted her. And I really can't say that about a lot of people.

I loved her. I'd known forever, but had never said anything. She was too important to me, her friendship too valuable to me, to risk losing.

"It's like we're the only two people in the world right now," she said quietly.

"You know, I was just thinking that," I chuckled.

Sumia giggled a little, nestling closer to me.

"It's like something from the end of one of my novels," she sighed.

"I'll have you know that the ending of my serial will be much less clichéd," I scoffed.

"Sometimes I like clichés," Sumia pouted.

"Ah, yes, like the butler that was actually the murderer in _The Haunting of Midland Manor_?" I asked with a smirk.

"That one's a bad example and you know it," Sumia laughed. "Gods, but that book was terrible. It's like the author had never even had a butler before."

"Hey, neither have I," I pointed out.

"Yes, but you associate with Frederick," Sumia said.

"Okay. Point," I laughed.

Sumia nestled comfortably against me, a small flood of warmth blossoming through my chest as she did. The Wing Commander gave another contended sigh, closing her eyes and basking in the last dying rays of the setting sun.

"I like this," she said, her voice barely more than a whisper. "I like that I can just relax with you. That I don't have to be the Wing Commander. Or a royal retainer. I can just be Sumia with you."

"You're lucky I happen to like you," I scoffed playfully.

"And I…" Sumia trailed off, taking a deep breath before continuing.

"And I think I may have fallen for you."

I froze for barely a split second before what she had said registered. And then a smirk rose to my face, a throaty chuckle starting from my belly and making its way up as I registered exactly _how_ she had worded it.

"I'm serious!" Sumia said, pulling back and glaring at me.

With a stab of guilt, I realized she now had tears in her eyes.

"No! No, I'm sorry, I love you, too, I'm just… think about how you just said that," I said quickly.

Sumia went still, blinking a few times with a slack expression.

"You… you love me?" she asked.

"Uh… yeah? I think you're missing the point, though."

Sumia laughed a little, a thick, emotional sound.

"I'm sorry, I just… I always screw these things up," she said, looking down.

"Actually, I'd say this one's on me," I said. "I shouldn't have tried to make a joke… sorry… argh I'm fucking this up… see? This is why I didn't say anything earlier!"

"Earlier?" Sumia repeated, quirking her head a little.

"Shit," I muttered.

"So, all this time you've…" she trailed off.

"Been madly in love with you, yes," I admitted with a long sigh. "I didn't want to fuck up the good thing we had going, though. I mean, we have to work together and… well, you're one of my best friends. I didn't want to chase you off. I couldn't… couldn't risk losing you."

Sumia's eyes welled up, and she gave a pathetic sniffle as she clasped her hands over her heart. I reached up with my good hand, only hesitating for a moment before I ran my thumb over her cheek to wipe away her tears, cupping the side of her face as she leaned into the contact.

"I didn't… didn't think you felt the same way," she admitted. "I never thought you would. It's like a storybook ending!"

"Again, a little clichéd for me…" I smirked.

"It's not _totally_ clichéd," Sumia said, stepping forward. "You haven't kissed me yet."

I grinned, leaning down and pressing my lips to hers as she wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling herself up into my embrace. I held her close to me, wrapping my crippled arm around her waist and moving my good hand from her cheek to thread through her long brown hair.

As far as kisses go, it was fairly chaste. No tongue. Just a firm pressing together of the lips, a little nibbling. Nothing amazing.

And yet, as warmth spread from my lips through my entire body, I found myself thinking that it was probably up there with the best kisses of my life.

Sumia sighed as we separated, her eyes still closed as she leaned her forehead against mine.

The sun finally dipped below the mountains, the first stars beginning to come out now.

"So… uh… what now?" I asked after a moment.

"Now? Happily ever after," Sumia giggled.

"Well, okay, but… like, do we share a tent? Do we get married? Like… what now-now?" I elaborated. "It's been a while since I've been in an actual relationship, so… uh… yeah."

Sumia made a thoughtful sound before giggling again, pressing herself closer to me.

"You will marry me, right?" she whispered.

"Soon as I get a ring," I agreed quickly, an embarrassed grin rising to my features.

There was a small chiming sound of something hitting the polished floorboards at our feet, a small golden ring rolling to a stop beside my boot.

"Here! Give her this!" someone stage whispered.

"Cynthia, what the fuck are you doing!?"

"Blood and thunder, you're going to get us caught!"

"But it was so sweet! And now he has to propose!"

"Am I doomed to be a bastard in this timeline as well!?"

"You may be a bastard, but you still got to inherit the Duchy-"

"Shhhhhhh! They'll hear us!"

It was at this point I sighed and dropped my head, my chin resting on my chest, and Sumia started to giggle uncontrollably.

"Girls!" I snapped in my best dad voice.

Silence fell, like the jungle in the presence of a predator. Everything stopped for a few seconds before I heard Morgan's voice again.

"Shit. Busted."

"Get your asses out here," I said with an angry sigh.

There was another moment of silence, before one of the sliding screens opened and the girls all filed out onto the verandah.

Morgan and Noire both had the decency to look contrite, but Cynthia had that excited puppy look on her face again.

"Mother! I can't believe it! I'm so excited!" she squealed, bouncing over to Sumia.

Cynthia stumbled, though, slipping and faceplanting with an impressive thud.

"Ouch. That had to hurt. Like mother like daughter, though, right?"

I groaned again and looked up as a fourth person stepped out onto the verandah, Robin grinning with a slight pink tint to her cheeks.

"Robin, seriously?" I muttered.

"Hey, you're my best friend! I wanted to make sure you didn't mess this up!" the tactician grinned unapologetically. "And Cynthia, you literally knew this was going to happen."

"I didn't know it'd be right now though!" the younger woman said, rubbing her forehead.

"Yeah! We're all rooting for you, dad!" Morgan said excitedly.

Noire just nodded, stepping forward and picking up the ring still on the ground as Sumia helped Cynthia up. The younger pegasus knight attacked her mother with a fierce hug right away, resulting in much squealing and laughter.

"Is there anyone else behind that screen?" I groaned in exasperation.

The screen slid a little further, revealing Su'ko standing in the shadows with the ghost of a smile on her thin lips. We looked at each other for a moment before I sighed and rolled my eyes.

"You get a pass."

"What!?" Morgan squawked indignantly.

"Blood and thunder!" Noire growled.

Cynthia was still too busy gushing over a beaming Sumia to join in, her words long since lost any form of coherency.

"Well, I mean, she does already follow him around twenty-four-seven as is," Robin pointed out.

"I feel like we're getting distracted here," I ground out, turning a glare on my three daughters and my best friend.

They all froze, Cynthia stopping mid-sentence with her mouth open wide. They all looked around awkwardly before Cynthia huffed.

"I'm sick of pretending I'm not your daughter," she said. "I was ready to hang you over the railing until you admitted how you felt!"

"Yeah, you two have been dancing around each other long enough," Morgan added, emboldened by her (apparent) sister's words.

"I'm just here for moral support," Noire piped up. "Not that you weren't a great mom when I lost mine, Sumia, ah, mom- I mean, ma'am, b-but… uh…"

"Just stop while you're ahead," Robin chuckled.

Noire groaned and nodded, blushing as she tried to look as small as possible.

Sumia giggled as I groaned and ran a hand down my face. I gave her an apologetic look, the Wing Commander smiling sunnily as she bounced over and wrapped herself around my arm.

"It's okay, isn't it?" she laughed. "I mean, the order is backwards, but I'm okay with sharing this moment with… w-with our family."

She blushed as she finished, but didn't look away from me.

I sighed and nodded, holding my hand out to Noire.

"Ring."

There was an audible excited gasp from those present as Noire thrust the little gold band towards me. Cynthia's keepsake from her mother in the future, the ring I gave Sumia in the other timeline.

"This is just a placeholder until I get the real thing," I said, pointedly quirking a brow at Cynthia.

Sumia nodded and held her hand out to me.

I smirked, pulling the ring back from her.

"Actually, if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this right," I said.

I took a step back from Sumia as her brow dipped a little in confusion, before her eyes widened as I dropped to one knee.

"Sumia of Midland, I love you," I said, looking up at her with a heavy blush spreading across my own face. "I would give my life for you. Will you do me the honor of sharing that life and becoming my wife?"

"I do! I mean I will! I mean I love you!" Sumia half-sobbed, half-laughed.

I slid the ring onto her finger, and the four girls cheered again as I stood back up and rubbed the back of my head. Hugs were exchanged all around, and there was much laughter and smiling. Sumia gave me another chaste kiss on the lips, and I grinned down at her-

"Yes, yes, congratulations! Now will you please leave? Your noise is interrupting our evening devotions!"

We all froze again as we looked up to see a very incensed head monk glaring at us, his arms crossed over his robes as he tapped his foot impatiently, reminding me that this was, actually, a place of worship we were having this moment in.

"Heh. Uh. Sorry," I said.

* * *

"Seriously, six fucking eyes, why does Grima need six fucking eyes?" I asked no one in particular.

Of course, I was sitting alone in my tent, so no answer was forthcoming.

We were camped near one of the larger western oases in Plegia, having moved back up north-westerly from the Dragon's Table. After, of course, we'd gotten Chrom Awakened. And Lucina. And Owain. And even Lissa and Severa. I wasn't taking chances.

This was it.

Grima was here.

All my plans were now in motion, and I was stuck now playing the waiting game.

I hated the waiting game; patience was not a virtue I was in ample supply of.

I stared absently at the reports and orders spread out over my table, a small, soft smile rising to my lips as my fingertips brushed over Sumia's signature and seal. Only, it wasn't Midland's seal anymore; it was Baham's. It was mine.

We had been married just before leaving Valm, in a lovely little camp ceremony surrounded by our friends, presided over by Libra and witnessed by Naga's Voice herself (who had bawled like a baby the entire time, much to my silent amusement and Say'ri's embarrassment).

Or that had been the plan, anyway.

Word had gotten out, though, among the troops in the Royal Ylissean First, and literally every surviving soldier had shown up. More than a thousand men and women, all told. The roughest, meanest soldiers that had just finished marching through the hell that had been the Valm campaign, all cleaned up and decked out in their dress uniforms, many crying just as much as Tiki. I'd spotted Jeremiah tearing up a little, and Erutreya was pretty interested in the ground during the exchanging of vows. Even Tennabree had been a little misty-eyed, the Plegian woman smiling broadly the entire service. Olivia had cried, hiccupping and sobbing even as she stood at attention with a watery smile on her face. Ricken had stared in delighted wonder, and I had the feeling that Laurent would have been taking notes on the service if he'd been allowed. Virion had worn a smug grin every time I glared over at him, leaving no doubt to who the mastermind was.

At least Sumia's Pegasus Knights only numbered about twenty… and they'd all cried, too.

We would still be having a great big reception party for the nobility back home after Grima was gone, but it was official. I was off the market.

Nothing had really changed, though. Sumia and I had spent almost all our free time together before, anyway. Now we just shared a tent, too. And Cynthia and Morgan were both a lot happier now that they didn't have to pretend they didn't know who their Father or Mother was, respectively.

I suddenly felt a flood of warmth against my back as a pair of arms encircled me, my wife resting her chin atop my head.

Still sounded weird, even to me. 'My wife'.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked.

"Trying to figure out who the mystery hero is in _The Phantom Pegasus Knight_," I said reflexively.

"You still haven't finished that yet?" Sumia asked with a soft chuckle, the sound vibrating through her and into my back.

"You keep me pretty busy during what was once my reading time," I deadpanned, closing my eyes and leaning back into her embrace.

Sumia giggled a little, her hold on me tightening. We stayed like this for a time, and I took a brief moment to luxuriate in the feeling and warmth of the woman I loved. She had clearly just bathed, the scent of the floral soap she and all the women in camp insisted on using still strong in her hair and on her skin. The skin of her arms was still a little flushed from the hot water, smooth to the touch and warm beneath my calloused fingers where I idly traced them.

I always felt bad, touching her skin to skin. I hadn't taken care of myself in the years I'd been in Ylisse. My hands were rough, calloused, my face lined and weathered. Sumia still looked like she had all those years ago when we'd met; she was still bright and lively, still soft and silken to the touch, still… young. It made me feel guilty. But it also made me feel alive again in a way I hadn't since that first fight back in Southtown, if I were totally honest.

Sumia made a soft humming sound, nuzzling the top of my head with her cheek.

"You're nervous," she said softly.

I gave a small, self-depreciating laugh. "Promise you won't tell anyone?"

"Of course not," she said, and even though I couldn't see her I could hear the smile in her voice. "Bad for morale, right?"

"Immortals don't get nervous," I sighed. "What time is it?"

"It's late," she said. "Second watch just started."

"Shit, already?"

"You should be getting some rest," Sumia said.

"I know," I sighed again. "I'm not tired, though. We're moving on the coast. We're almost there. A few more days, tops, and then… it's the endgame."

"And you're nervous."

"I'm fucking terrified," I admitted.

Sumia shifted, her breath warm against my ear as she leaned forward, her lips pressing ever-so-lightly against my cheek.

"I am, too," she admitted.

I shifted, moving away just enough to turn and face her before pulling her sideways onto my lap. She automatically moved against me, securing herself with her arms around the back of my neck as I held her close and her head resting on my chest. Once she was settled, I placed a small, gentle kiss atop her crown.

"We're going to win," I told her. "There's no way we can lose. Not after all the effort that Robin and I have put in."

"I know," Sumia sighed. "It's just… the waiting."

"Ugh, god damn, I know," I groaned with a smirk.

Sumia giggled a little in my arms, shifting a little to press herself closer to me. The little camp chair squeaked in protest at the added weight. We ignored it.

"I have a fun idea," I said after a moment. "Let's run away. Ignore the end of the world. Chrom and Lucina and Robin can all deal with it. Let's just retire. Fuck it. I'm too old and tired for this shit."

"You're not that old," Sumia laughed. "Besides, I know you; you could never live with yourself if you walked away from this."

I couldn't help but scoff. "You sure about that?"

Sumia laughed again, the sound bringing an instant smile to my face. She tilted her head back, planting a kiss on my jaw.

"Yes," she said. "I know you. And I have a better idea."

"Does it involve beer? Because, if so, I'm all for it."

Sumia chuckled again, moving one arm off my neck to turn my head before kissing me hard. She pulled back after a moment, both eyebrows raised with a small grin on her face.

"Oh," I said.

"Uh-huh," Sumia laughed.

"I've ruined you," I said. "You were such a nice girl. And I've ruined you."

She just grinned, leaning forward for another harder, hungrier kiss. She parted my lips with her tongue, and I responded in kind. We continued like this for a time, before I eventually pulled back. I moved one hand beneath her knees, the other holding her tight against me as I rose to my feet. Sumia gave a startled laugh, her arms reflexively wrapping around my neck again to take the weight off my crippled hand. I only had to shuffle forward a few steps before we were at the bedroll we shared, the 'double cot' we'd been given having long since been traded for the marginally more comfortable bedroll.

Sumia laughed again as I knelt down, depositing her atop the sheets. She dragged me down with her, arms still around my neck, a trio of small kisses on my lips on the way.

"Yes, you've ruined me," she said, her voice taking on a husky tone. "You'd better accept responsibility."

Then she did something new, wrapping one leg around my waist and pushing, pulling with her arms and flipping me over. I gave a small grunt as she settled on my lap, leaning over me with an impish smile and a pink tint to her cheeks. Her eyes seemed to glow in the gloom of the tent, her teeth like a white slash in the darkness. I found myself swallowing heavily as the blood instantly started rerouting through my body.

"I have ruined you," I repeated. "And I am okay with that."

Sumia chuckled, the sound almost more like a purr low in her chest, and leaned down for another hungry, desperate kiss. I responded by leaning up, my head leaving the bedroll as we met halfway, my abs screaming in protest after only a few moments in this position. I ignored them.

Deciding to enjoy the passive role for a change, I placed my hands on the tops of Sumia's thighs, gently running them up until my fingertips brushed the bottom of her riding skirt. Even this was enough to elicit a response, Sumia grinding slowly against my lap in time with the movement of my hands.

Her hair fell over her shoulder and onto my face, tickling my nose.

"Gah! This is why I shave my head!" I muttered, taking my hands from her thighs and brushing her thick hair back.

Sumia chuckled a little, taking the opportunity to sit up and undo the clasp at the neck of her riding dress. With a few quick movements her dress was open to her waist, and she pulled the garment off over her head. With a quirked brow I realized that she wasn't wearing her usual chest bindings. Following suit, I sat up to pull off my shirt, only to find Sumia's hands already yanking the shirt up, exposing my stomach and chest, her breath coming faster now and her blush increasing. I lifted my arms, letting her pull the shirt over my head, then fling it aside carelessly into the tent.

Hopefully it wouldn't land on the lamp and start a fire again, but by the time I'd thought that I'd already pulled Sumia flush against me, breasts pressed firmly to my chest, our lips and tongues meeting again, and I honestly couldn't have cared less if the whole camp had burned down in that moment.

Now wearing only the small shorts she wore under the riding dress, Sumia ground her hips against mine, still on top of me. She gave a low moan into my mouth as we kissed, and I could feel my manhood pressing into her where she ground against me.

I turned my head away a little, Sumia following me with more kisses on the corner of my mouth.

"As much… as I like this… position…" I said around her lips. "How are… how are we supposed to get our pants off?"

The light of reason finally seemed to return to my wife's eyes for a moment as she pulled back, her breasts beautifully bouncing with the movement and making it very hard for me to retain what little composure I had left.

"Pants off," Sumia said, her voice breathy.

She slid off me, landing on her butt at my side, and we both rushed to get our pants off at the same time. By sheer dint of the fact hers were but a fraction of my own jeans, she finished first, and just as my pants found my ankles, I went rigid as Sumia wrapped her hand around my member.

"Whoa! Not while I'm-" was as far as I got before her first stroke.

_Holy shit I really did ruin her_, I thought, falling back onto my back and looking up at the amorous smile above me.

Wasting no time, Sumia swung one leg over me and was on top of me again, her entrance hovering just above my manhood as she got the angle right. With a heated moan she dropped her hips, and I was enveloped in in mind numbing warmth. Only, unlike usual, there was resistance. Not unpleasant resistance, but I didn't slide in as easily as usual. I took a deep breath, trying to collect my thoughts from the abyss of 'time to fuck' enough to form coherent words again.

"What's the rush?" I asked, lifting my head back up worriedly.

Sumia looked up from where we were connected, panting now, with a small, embarrassed smile.

"Was I that obvious?" she asked meekly.

I pushed myself up onto my elbows, and still inside her I sat up and pulled her against my chest.

"Little bit," I said. "Not that I mind. It's kinda really hot. But you don't usually miss an opportunity to let me pamper you a little."

She nodded against my shoulder, taking a shuddering breath before speaking.

"I'm… scared," she admitted. "These could be our final days, and I don't… want to regret anything. I want to spend as much time being with you as I can. However I can. I don't… don't want to even think a-about… losing you…"

I shushed her, running one hand through her hair as I pulled her closer with the other on the small of her back.

"I'm not going anywhere," I whispered to her, before leaning back again. "But I would like a second to finish taking off my pants."

Sumia snorted against my shoulder before laughing as I began to kick my feet a little to dislodge the jeans and trunks still around my ankles. Of course, due to the fact that I was still inside Sumia while I was doing this, her quiet laughter shifted to small gasps at my movements. I will admit I may have been rocking my hips a little on purpose. I kicked my pants away Sumia grinning down at me from my lap.

"Don't think I couldn't tell what you were doing," she said.

"Hey, you came on to me," I pointed out, grinning a little myself.

"Is that right?" Sumia asked, leaning forward…

… and grinding her hips against mine with the motion.

I grit my teeth to stop from groaning, Sumia still grinning down at me. Her blush had returned in full force, though, her breath coming out in small gasps she was clearly trying to hide.

"Hey, you ruined me," she said, copying my earlier tone.

I quirked a brow, giving a small push upwards with my hips. Sumia yelped, her eyes widening momentarily before she frowned down at my shit-eating-grin. The frown only lasted a moment before a matching grin broke out on her face, and she leaned down to brush her lips to mine.

Where her kisses before had been hungry and desperate, this time Sumia's touch was soft and tender, her pace far slower as she slowly rubbed herself against me. I brushed one hand up through her hair against the back of her head, deepening the kiss a little as our tongues met again. I reached up with my crippled hand, gently cupping one of Sumia's breasts, eliciting another soft moan out of her.

It was beginning to get hot in the tent now, a thin sheen of sweat coating us both as we both began to move faster. It didn't take long for Sumia's movements to go from grinding to small bounces on my lap, her forehead resting against mine as she began to gasp from exertion and pleasure in equal amounts. I leaned back, supporting myself with my good hand as the other steadied her on top of me, Sumia giving a cry and arching her back as she continued to bounce. I began thrusting upwards, our hips meeting with a perverse slapping sound, Sumia's gasps becoming moans now with every movement.

"Harder," she gasped.

With a mental shrug, I dug in my heels and thrust upwards harder. Sumia screamed, throwing her head back, and if not for my hand steadying her back she probably would have fallen off of me.

"Like that, keep going," she moaned.

"Weren't you… supposed to… take the… lead?" I asked between thrusts.

"It feels so good though…" Sumia moaned, bobbing in time to my movements.

I grit my teeth and sped up, much to Sumia's approval if the rising pitch of her voice was any indication. I could tell she was getting close, though, from the way she was tightening around me, and from the cute little gasps she gave in between every moan (it was a tell I'd figured out pretty early on). I wasn't exactly going to last a whole hell of a lot longer myself, so with that in mind I took my hand off the small of Sumia's back and wedged it between us. She had just long enough to lean back forward, resting both hands on my shoulders, before I began to vigorously rub at the most sensitive part of her anatomy, earning a pleased shriek right in my ear for my troubles.

She clenched like a vice around my manhood, her legs going rigid as her core trembled, Sumia trying to muffle her cries by biting down on my shoulder. I thrust upwards a few more times, eager to finish myself right now, and with one last growl and a rush of release I buried my face in her hair and unloaded inside of her.

Sumia trembled a few more times before collapsing on my chest, both of us gasping for breath in the afterglow. We sat there for a time, probably no more than a minute or two, simply catching our breath.

"I'm going to need… another bath now…" Sumia panted with a weak chuckle.

I fell backwards, dragging her with me and draping her on top of me. I groped around at our side, looking for the corner of the blanket before flipping it up and over top of us.

"In the morning," I said, wrapping both arms around her.

"But we'll both stink in the morning!" Sumia laughed.

Despite her protests, she wriggled off my top and melded herself to my side, nuzzling her cheek against my shoulder until she was comfortable.

"Then we'll have to just bathe together, won't we?" I asked, lifting my head just enough to plant a kiss on top of hers.

We lay like that for a time, Sumia absently tracing her fingers across my chest as I ran my own through her hair.

"Thank you," she whispered finally.

"Don't mention it," I smiled.

"Mm. I love you, Ben," she said with a yawn.

"I love you, too."

"What about the lamp?"

"Fuck the lamp, I ain't getting up again."

"You shouldn't waste lamp oil while we're in the field."

"Ugh. Fine. Su! Su'ko!? It's okay, we're done now! Come turn off the lamp for us! Su- argh, what!?"

"Will you…! Stop! Stop shouting!" Sumia giggled, swatting me weakly on the chest, torn between humor and outrage.

I couldn't help but offer her a tired grin, and the both of us laughed until we fell asleep.

At some point after I closed my eyes Su'ko must have ninjaed her way in and out of the tent, because the lamp was out and still half full in the morning. The mess we'd made under the blanket was hell come morning, too, but for that night we both slept soundly.

* * *

I sat on a crate looking up at Origin Peak from the beach we'd landed on, catching my breath. Just making landfall had been ridiculously hard for us, and there was still fighting in the southern corner of the beach, where Virion and Ricken were taking care of a group of particularly nasty Risen that had dug in. Chrom's boat had just landed with the majority of the Shepherds, and they were unloading up on the Northern stretch of the beach, under the careful watch of the Pegasus Knights and Sumia. Cordelia was flying with them, as were Gerome and Cherche, so there was more than enough oomph if they needed it.

Leaving me to sit and wait with the rest of the men as the VIPs made their way off the boats.

Behind me I could practically hear Noire wringing her hands around her bow as she looked up at the mountaintop. Morgan was somewhere in the press acting as my adjutant, shouting orders and trying to distract herself any way she could.

I glanced up as a shadow passed overhead, an old pegasus swooping low and only narrowly missing slapping the top of my head with its wing. Cynthia reined the flying horse into a trot before jumping from the saddle and rushing over to me.

"Didn't your mother tell you not to land so close to other people?" I drawled.

"Didn't mom tell you to stop sitting around where the soldiers can see you?" Cynthia shot back.

"I'm the boss, I do what I want," I said, quirking a brow.

"C'mon, dad! Heroes don't sit around!" she laughed, pulling me up. "Besides, I'm here to tell you that the landing is finished! Exalt Chrom and the Shepherds are ready to go."

"I'm coming, I'm coming, stop yanking at me!" I groaned, letting her pull me up. "Morgan! Morgan, is everything-"

"Ready and waiting your word, sir," my second-born said, suddenly appearing at my side.

"Ugh. Stop hanging out with Su'ko," I groaned. "Signal the troops, get em moving. We're just the escort for this part, so make sure the unit commanders-"

"Know to follow the Exalt's orders? Already done," Morgan said, turning away and hefting a small signal flag above her head.

I quirked a brow at her for a moment until the signal horns started honking, the ordered rows of the Ylissean Royal Regular Army moving out.

I swear, she was gunning for my job…

"Alright, Cynthia, go tell your mother…" I started to say.

I trailed off, though, when Cynthia wrapped her arms around me in a big hug, burying her face in my shoulder.

"Be careful today, okay?" she asked without looking up.

"Um. Sure? I'm not even in the front ranks today," I said, patting her on the back.

"But you are coming with us when we face Grima, right?" she asked, looking up at me now.

I gave her my best lopsided Han Solo grin.

"You bet your ass I am," I told her. "I'll be right there in the thick of it, holding up the heroes of the story, just the way I always have."

"You gotta start giving yourself more credit than that, dad," Morgan said, frowning as she turned back to us. "You know how Chrom gets when you talk him up and talk yourself down."

"I wasn't talking about Chrom," I said. "I was talking about you three."

"Aw. Blood and thunder, dad," Noire sniffled.

Cynthia made a weird, keening squeak and redoubled her hug, almost picking me up.

"I love you so much, daddy!" she squealed. "I'll make you proud today, just you watch! That scaly bastard won't know what hit him!"

"Language, missy," I laughed, patting her on the head. "Alright, get outta here. Go tell your mom we're coming."

"Right!" Cynthia said, hopping back from me and striking a pose. "Pegasus Knight Cynthia, on the job!"

I smiled as I watched her practically skip back to her mount, leaping up into the saddle and urging it back into the sky before she was even settled. Once she was gone, I turned to my other two daughters, smiling broadly.

"Let's go show that scaly bastard what happens when he fucks with my family," I said.

"Dad," Morgan sighed. "Language."

* * *

**AN: Here it is, the last _Apocryphal Tale_ for a while. I initially debated cutting the sexy times from the middle of the chapter and keeping it as a '(P)atreon exclusive' kinda thing, but honestly, it was the first bone-town scene I've ever written and didn't immediately delete while blushing like a schoolgirl, so I figured I'd let it ride. I also found it incredibly difficult to write. My editor can attest to that fact. As can the multitude of IMs he got along the lines of 'I'm a hack', 'I should give up', 'I never should have agreed to this', etc, etc. **

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